Discussion Wanting people to hate me

[livingwishtodie]

Hi,
Right now I'm fine literally I just am normal I didn't have any panic attacks in the last week or so but rn I want to feel what felt when I wanted to kms, the feeling of being mesirable, fearing everything and everyone, being cornered, and having anxiety attacks has become my addictions. Whenever I am OK for a long time I want everything to go down and think im better of being hated then loved, tortured rather than being cared for.

Also right now I am searching for triggers to make me feel depressed. And stuck in this viscous cycle for so long.

I ask myself now "do I even want to be happy", "did I ever wish to be or do I not even know what is happiness to me?"

I never knew what I wanted nor do I know now. I just wait for my death everyday like a fool, thinking it will come at my door and take me away. But when I come to senses all this rubbish self pity takes my time and I regret it.

I never wanted anyone to love me. I never want anyone to remember me. I also wanted that my family hated me once (rn I dont care about that).

I dont know if ill ever be able to fit in this society. I may live if im alone. But I cannot with people.

Because of this I push people away make them hate me and bully me, and I dont even care about it at all.

Am I weird to want all of this? I never met anyone whose like me who wants this, never even read thoughts like this.

So if someone can relate to this could you please tell me im not different and there are people like me.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I personally can't relate to wanting people to hate me as I don't really want to be acknowledged at all but there have been people on this site (and there still are people on this site) who probably want people to hate them. Hope you find these people soon but I'm sure that they do exist

 

[Red Moon]

I can't relate because I would rather not have people hate me before I die (even on this site)

 

[livingwishtodie]

I can't relate because I would rather not have people hate me before I die (even on this site)

: )

 

[yxmux]

i've pretty much felt this as young as i can remember, since i was a toddler, maybe? felt like i should be a villain, not a badass one or anything like that though, just an incredibly unpopular outcast. i better a mixture of intense sadness but some pleasure or satisfaction from feeling hated, like everything was right in the world because i deserve to be sad and defeated.

antidepressants haven't seemed to change that behavior either, even with the ones that were considered most optimal for me from a dna test. i take the same ones as my dad.

(unrelated but sometimes i feel like people with mdd shouldn't reproduce.)

 

[Iris Blue]

A lot of what you put I can also relate to and understand what you mean.

I feel like wanting people to hate me sometimes comes and goes. For example, a while back I tried purposely being mean to my best friend because she's the only reason I'm here and although it is only for her than myself (and I do hate her for it) the only way I could possibly feel somewhat ok with ctb is knowing she doesn't want or need me. I kind of stopped doing that but if there was any way to make it easier on the both of us me no longer being here I'd take it. But other times I don't think I try to purposefully be liked by other people like I don't try to be rude I can see why when I go I'd rather at least show them I do love them so they can feel less guilty and that our last time wouldn't be so negative and cold but I guess it depends for me and I don't exactly know why.

I'm sorry you are feeling like this and feeling alone. Although at the moment there may not be many people who can relate right now I promise there are others out there who do feel the same. And I know that isn't helping in the moment but I just hope you'll be ok.

 

[livingwishtodie]

A lot of what you put I can also relate to and understand what you mean.

I feel like wanting people to hate me sometimes comes and goes. For example, a while back I tried purposely being mean to my best friend because she's the only reason I'm here and although it is only for her than myself (and I do hate her for it) the only way I could possibly feel somewhat ok with ctb is knowing she doesn't want or need me. I kind of stopped doing that but if there was any way to make it easier on the both of us me no longer being here I'd take it. But other times I don't think I try to purposefully be liked by other people like I don't try to be rude I can see why when I go I'd rather at least show them I do love them so they can feel less guilty and that our last time wouldn't be so negative and cold but I guess it depends for me and I don't exactly know why.

I'm sorry you are feeling like this and feeling alone. Although at the moment there may not be many people who can relate right now I promise there are others out there who do feel the same. And I know that isn't helping in the moment but I just hope you'll be ok.

Thank you <3

i've pretty much felt this as young as i can remember, since i was a toddler, maybe? felt like i should be a villain, not a badass one or anything like that though, just an incredibly unpopular outcast. i better a mixture of intense sadness but some pleasure or satisfaction from feeling hated, like everything was right in the world because i deserve to be sad and defeated.

antidepressants haven't seemed to change that behavior either, even with the ones that were considered most optimal for me from a dna test. i take the same ones as my dad.

(unrelated but sometimes i feel like people with mdd shouldn't reproduce.)

Thats a new info. Thanks : )