Venting Want to ctb but too scared to

[RedRaven]

Hey all, my life has been pretty shit but this year has been especially shitty for me. My dad died from a heart attack and my closest friend also abandoned me. My life is stuck in a rut, I don't enjoy the things that I used to and I have nothing to look forward to anymore. Feels like there's no point making friends or maintaining friendships 'cause they'll just up and leave too like all my other past relationships.

Up until now, I always thought things would get better but so far it hasn't. And when things do look up, they were just momentary and end up being shitty again. I'm so tired of hurting, and feeling like nothing matters. I've been suicidal before but it never got so bad until now. I tried talking to my friend about it because I still had some hope left, that I could be wrong about some things. So I told them how I feel like no one -- my friends -- actually cares if I were gone and how I don't bring anything to the world and they went on about how I'm too focused on the negatives and that I'll find new people... I've already gone through so many people and they never stay or care if I'm there. I'm sick of it. Then they told me to find someone to date as if trivializing the whole thing to just me wanting a partner.

I'm so tired of it all. I have SN in the fridge, and I want to end it but I'm still scared. Why is it so hard to just do it?

 

[WornOutLife]

Being scared is absolutely normal, after all, you're ending your own life.

Not only your mind is preventing you from leaving with haunting memories but also your SI. We are born to SURVIVE until there's no other choice. It's as if our body couldn't understand that we just wanna "stop existing"

Anyway, wish you the best with whatever decision you make.

Hugs and love

 

[RedRaven]

Being scared is absolutely normal, after all, you're ending your own life.

Not only your mind is preventing you from leaving with haunting memories but also your SI. We are born to SURVIVE until there's no other choice. It's as if our body couldn't understand that we just wanna "stop existing"

Anyway, wish you the best with whatever decision you make.

Hugs and love

Thank you. I just wish there was a way I could turn it off and just do it. I hate this indecisive feeling of wanting to go and not wanting to go because of fear.

 

[KleinerWolf]

Imo if there's hope and you still have questions to ask yourself and feeling uncertain about suicide,

there's probably something else that could be helpful,
take some time to re-evaluate, process things and go from there.

 

[Steamm]

Don't be, suicide is the new deal

 

[KleinerWolf]

Thank you. I just wish there was a way I could turn it off and just do it. I hate this indecisive feeling of wanting to go and not wanting to go because of fear.

I'm not forcing you to stay,

but I think if people kill themselves,
they should be okay with it for the most part.

it shouldn't involve anxiety or uncertainty about the decision.
Regrets and uncertainty about nonexistence is common however.

SI is another thing but you have to stay true to yourself what is right for you.

 

[JackTheStripper]

I'm really sorry for your loss and that you have to go through all of this. I know how it feels like of being tired of living and wanting to end all of this so my heart goes out to you.
I hope you find your peace with whatever decision you may chose is the best for you.

 

[user667]

I'm not forcing you to stay,

but I think if people kill themselves,
they should be okay with it for the most part.

it shouldn't involve anxiety or uncertainty about the decision.
Regrets and uncertainty about nonexistence is common however.

SI is another thing but you have to stay true to yourself what is right for you.

this ^^
examine yourself and determine if your uncertainty is just SI, or if a small part of you really has hope. a little uncertainty is fine, but if you are really unsure if it's the right option hold off.

 

[fred farkle]

I do not want to live,it is hopeless,but I dont want to die. I am stuck in this on between type of hell.When you die,you die forever.

 

[ovaltinee99]

I'm sorry you are tired and hurting. Sending you love and hugs.

I think finding suicide hard and scary can be a good thing. It forces us to think if this is what we really want, if there really is no other way.

 

[mini_weeny]

Hi, so sorry to hear about your dad. I went through the same and also had no friends, I also lost interest in all things that I used to like, even reading became difficult for quite sometime but as the time passed I found I could enjoy life again and regained enjoyment for the things I liked before, had some beautiful 5 years until my health went to hell and now My life is totally destroyed. I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes there's still a lot to live for, being alone is boring but better than having bad company. My life would still be nice if I hadn't fucked up :( I wouldn't be here, I wish I didn't need to be here. I just want to be happy and healthy again. I'm orphaned and it's something that is very hard to overcome but happiness is still possible, please try and see if you can find meaning before doing something as permanent as suicide. It can take a while but it's not impossible.