Discussion Nervous, excited, or scared - which bests describes you as your "deadline" (no pun intended) approaches?

[Onomatopoeia]

Today has been the most real day in this CTB journey. I closed our bank accounts and set up small trusts for our nieces and nephews when they turn 18. It's not much, but something. They won't even know until they reach 18. And if they don't reach 18, it goes to their parents. I paid my electric bill for the next six months so my lights will stay on in the house so nobody will suspect I'm dead in the garage. The thermostat will be at a neutral 68 degrees Fahrenheit so I don't stink through the garage door. I stopped receiving mail at home months ago, so mail won't pile up and look suspicious. I prepaid a landscaping company to mow our lawn once so it doesn't get all crazy-looking. There are a few more things to take care of. But now it seems real.

I'm both nervous and scared that I might fail, even though I've read everything about SCUBA CTB, then read it again 10+ times. I'm excited because I won't have to wake up ever again in this world. I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared for some of my former students, who were traumatized when my husband, who was their football coach and science teacher, was suddenly deceased. Now 18 months later, I'll be deceased. I'm nervous about how long it will take for someone to discover my dead body. I want to be there for months, so I'm a skeleton.

I guess I'm mostly scared. But I know this is what's best for me.

 

[strangelife]

At times when my physical pain becomes too unbearable, I am ready to accept SN without hesitation, but my mind stops, because not everything is done in this world yet. But of course, when you approach the final preparations, you start to get nervous, I think this is a normal reaction. I wish you peace

 

[Onomatopoeia]

But of course, when you approach the final preparations, you start to get nervous, I think this is a normal reaction. I wish you peace

If I fail, I'm screwed. Wish I could find SN as a backup real quick, just-in-case plan if nitrogen fails.

 

[strangelife]

If I fail, I'm screwed. Wish I could find SN as a backup real quick as a backup, just-in-case plan if nitrogen fail

I wish you luck and peace. You have a good equipment, I've seen it somewhere here
I remember your sad story, It's a pity you don't see any other exits.

 

[divinemistress36]

I'm happy for you that you will get peace and reunite with your soul mate

 

[theboy]

anxious

 

[cantthinkofusername]

Last time I got close to my deadline, I just felt numb and tired, but eventually came around to acceptance. I don't think it's abnormal to feel nervous. It's a leap of faith. I hope you find peace.

 

[Onomatopoeia]

Last time I got close to my deadline, I just felt numb and tired, but eventually came around to acceptance. I don't think it's abnormal to feel nervous. It's a leap of faith. I hope you find peace.

Yes, it's about acceptance. I only have enough money to live for another two weeks. And once I shave my head right before CTB, I definitely cannot leave the house. It's just scary, the unknown.

I've read numerous cases of people doing nitrogen via SCUBA, they lose consciousness in 10-15 seconds, and then die in 3-4 minutes. And that SHOULD happen. But I've never done this before. It was weird looking at photos of all the components necessary to do this, then having them in my house. Now I'm letting go of all elements of this human existence. I'm not leaving the house again before I CTB. And if I don't die, I'm still never leaving the house. I will be carried out of here dead one way or the other.

Whatever comes next, I accept.

 

[Endofit]

Very anxious. But I guess its a whole process to get to the point where it become real and inevitable

 

[Charcoal]

What´s your CTB method, SN?

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Ecstatic! Though I'm also a bit angry I can't do it sooner on account of me being lazy and procrastinating on the preparations I need to do.

 

[thinvy]

acceptance... and defeat. I'm done, worn to the bone. I'm happy that I'll be done with the pain and suffering and making myself miserable with every thought, but at the same time, the end of me means the end of anything I enjoy.

I'm kind of bummed about the fact that I've gotten back into an unfinished game I liked before my last big episode. it will probably not be finished for a good while yet, so I won't see the end of the series most likely.

mostly, though, im just ready. ready and waiting. just a few more months probably.

 

[sserafim]

I still haven't decided on a date yet because I'm scared to attempt and fail just to be left with permanent damage. I wish that dying was as easy as pressing a button and didn't have any complications or risks of failure

 

[Onomatopoeia]

I still haven't decided on a date yet because I'm scared to attempt and fail just to be left with permanent damage. I wish that dying was as easy as pressing a button and didn't have any complications or risks of failure

In those Phillip Nitscke nitrogen chambers, it actually IS that easy! ;) But I think you have to be a certain age to even sign up for that.

I know you've seen those videos of people who try to blow their brains out on this forum, they fail, and society tries to keep them alive with their faces and heads completely disfigured. For god sake, let them die. Kill them peacefully. But that whole pro-life politics stuff has power.

Hope you're feeling good these days or working towards absolution. I know this world and this existence suck!

 

[LuvMeMusic]

Nothing, really. It's the same as always, and the day I ctb will be a day like any other. I don't have any strong emotions about it.

 

[iloverachel]

Good luck my friend
I don't know when i will CTB, but i do feel a mix of peace, excitement and fear
I wish you the best and that you are reunited with your husband

 

[lucas28481]

thinking about ctb doesn't bring any emotion, but it somehow leaks it's way into my dreams, i don't think i'll feel anything when i drink the lethal dose of SN

 

[Onomatopoeia]

thinking about ctb doesn't bring any emotion, but it somehow leaks it's way into my dreams

Crazy you said that. I dreamed last night that I executed my whole CTB (nitrogen SCUBA), died and ended up in some sort of celestial wormhole. If you've ever seen the movie "Contact" with Jodie Foster and Matthew McConaughey (I highly recommend it if you haven't seen it), it looked like that, when she was dropped in that wormhole. I kept seeing and feeling memories from childhood and my marriage...then I woke up. It was very weird and I cried for an hour this morning when I woke up. It felt so real.

 

[Lostone47]

I was feeling very calm about it when the first method was here and my partner and I were aligned. Now that it's close and I'm alone in the act again I've been getting extremely anxious. Hopefully it will pass and I can make the right decision for me.

 

[juna]

I have a date decided but I doubt I will be able to get my hands on SN, I am desperate, I hope I get my hands on something.

 

[Naked Weapon]

No emotion. I used to be afraid, anxious, and the like, but now I feel content and have since moved past the distress of it all. My death is in my hands; I can finally have something of my own.

 

[xmissellax]

I was desperate at first, even considering methods high on the agony scale like drowning or train jump, but after painstakingly acquiring all the components needed for SN and preparing myself with anything I can think of to make me more comfortable, I got really happy, then I got very very anxious and cried a lot thinking of leaving my bf and family. Now I just keep yo-yo'ing between feeling scared af, calm, excited, confused. I booked a hotel but cancelled. So I'm all over the place atm and going to delay my CTB until I feel truly ready. I planned so much but it doesn't mean anything if I can't bring the cup to my lips and drink it when I need to.

 

[lucas28481]

Crazy you said that. I dreamed last night that I executed my whole CTB (nitrogen SCUBA), died and ended up in some sort of celestial wormhole. If you've ever seen the movie "Contact" with Jodie Foster and Matthew McConaughey (I highly recommend it if you haven't seen it), it looked like that, when she was dropped in that wormhole. I kept seeing and feeling memories from childhood and my marriage...then I woke up. It was very weird and I cried for an hour this morning when I woke up. It felt so real.

damn my dreams are all so random and all over the place, i could never have a dream like that

 

[Onomatopoeia]

damn my dreams are all so random and all over the place, i could never have a dream like that

I have more to say. But I'm crying, sad and a mess right now. Do you have a means of downloading or watching the movie "Contact"? This clip doesn't do it justice. Watch the whole movie. It's so interesting. But this is the "wormhole" scene. "They" know.

And I'd love to hear what you think.