I'm starting to get scared of death. it feels weird cause I didn't feel anything for a while but now thinking about dying makes me afraid. and I can't stop thinking about it. maybe it's because I was close to ctb and it got real. but now even the perspective of dying in the future scares me because no matter what I do now I will age and die. and it keeps popping up in my head during the day and I have this somewhat paralyzing feeling that I just wont exist in next couple decades.
but nothing changed. I'm still miserable and not happy. now with this fear of death I don't even know if I'll be able to ctb and get peace.
Very similar experience. I was experimenting with a rope and trying to find the carotid arteries. I started feeling the effects. After trying multipe times my brain for some reason triggered this deep primal existential panic that took days to recover from.
At that moment I saw that I NEEDED to recover and stop what I was doing, but no matter where I looked for a path to recovery it was a dead end, so I thought about death again which triggered that panic even more. I was in this loop for a while where death which is the only solution to my problems was gut wrenchingly terrifying, but living gave me extreme amounts of loneliness, helplessnes, despair and anxiety.
At that point I knew that the only way that I would be able to escape is with a quick CTB method. SN and hanging wouldn't have worked since it takes too much prep and my mind was eating itself alive at that point. If I ingested SN my brain would've forced me to call for help since logical thinking goes out the window. Because of this I remember even making a thread here asking for quick CTB methods.
After a week this panic/anxiety subsided and I returned back into my depressed/dissociated state. I know objectively that my mind are beyond recovery and that I need to end it, but yeah once you get down to it and your brain believes it is going to die, you are not going to have a fun time. My plan is to now either go for hanging that is prepared before or for a shotgun to the head.
