too scared of death

[Tionally]

I'm starting to get scared of death. it feels weird cause I didn't feel anything for a while but now thinking about dying makes me afraid. and I can't stop thinking about it. maybe it's because I was close to ctb and it got real. but now even the perspective of dying in the future scares me because no matter what I do now I will age and die. and it keeps popping up in my head during the day and I have this somewhat paralyzing feeling that I just wont exist in next couple decades.
but nothing changed. I'm still miserable and not happy. now with this fear of death I don't even know if I'll be able to ctb and get peace.

 

[Lobster_Toast1281]

I had a similar experience a few months ago. For me, I just waited and eventually, the fear slowly faded. Though, it still comes back a few times once in a while.

 

[unabletocope]

What scares you more, life or death?

 

[theboy]

fear of death is normal in human beings because it is something painful and strangely unknown and we do not know how to confront death in the best way. Being close to death as a CTB can change your perspective about death so I understand you.

 

[Tears in Rain]

I'm starting to get scared of death. it feels weird cause I didn't feel anything for a while but now thinking about dying makes me afraid. and I can't stop thinking about it. maybe it's because I was close to ctb and it got real. but now even the perspective of dying in the future scares me because no matter what I do now I will age and die. and it keeps popping up in my head during the day and I have this somewhat paralyzing feeling that I just wont exist in next couple decades.
but nothing changed. I'm still miserable and not happy. now with this fear of death I don't even know if I'll be able to ctb and get peace.

Sounds like your S.I. has triggered existential angst/dread.

 

[DesperateOne]

I'm starting to get scared of death. it feels weird cause I didn't feel anything for a while but now thinking about dying makes me afraid. and I can't stop thinking about it. maybe it's because I was close to ctb and it got real. but now even the perspective of dying in the future scares me because no matter what I do now I will age and die. and it keeps popping up in my head during the day and I have this somewhat paralyzing feeling that I just wont exist in next couple decades.
but nothing changed. I'm still miserable and not happy. now with this fear of death I don't even know if I'll be able to ctb and get peace.

Very similar experience. I was experimenting with a rope and trying to find the carotid arteries. I started feeling the effects. After trying multipe times my brain for some reason triggered this deep primal existential panic that took days to recover from.

At that moment I saw that I NEEDED to recover and stop what I was doing, but no matter where I looked for a path to recovery it was a dead end, so I thought about death again which triggered that panic even more. I was in this loop for a while where death which is the only solution to my problems was gut wrenchingly terrifying, but living gave me extreme amounts of loneliness, helplessnes, despair and anxiety.

At that point I knew that the only way that I would be able to escape is with a quick CTB method. SN and hanging wouldn't have worked since it takes too much prep and my mind was eating itself alive at that point. If I ingested SN my brain would've forced me to call for help since logical thinking goes out the window. Because of this I remember even making a thread here asking for quick CTB methods.

After a week this panic/anxiety subsided and I returned back into my depressed/dissociated state. I know objectively that my mind are beyond recovery and that I need to end it, but yeah once you get down to it and your brain believes it is going to die, you are not going to have a fun time. My plan is to now either go for hanging that is prepared before or for a shotgun to the head.

 

[Onomatopoeia]

I'm starting to get scared of death. it feels weird cause I didn't feel anything for a while but now thinking about dying makes me afraid. and I can't stop thinking about it. maybe it's because I was close to ctb and it got real. but now even the perspective of dying in the future scares me because no matter what I do now I will age and die. and it keeps popping up in my head during the day and I have this somewhat paralyzing feeling that I just wont exist in next couple decades.
but nothing changed. I'm still miserable and not happy. now with this fear of death I don't even know if I'll be able to ctb and get peace.

Of course you/we are scared. of course you/we feel weird about death.

But you are so right. Getting close to the actual act of CTB makes your heart beat different, makes you shake. It's scary. I've been like this for a while now.

I am not "pro-life." But I will NEVER try and convince someone younger than me (32) to commit suicide. I wouldn't try to convince someone older either, just to be clear. But wow. I'm still relatively young in my early 30s. And I have no hope for this world.

Can you have a journal and write about what makes you happy, and what makes you suicidal, and battle yourself with your own words, with your own writing? Try it.

 

[thewalkingdread]

People like to think that they would easily press the "Magic Button" and cease to exist... But even that would be a very hard thing to do...

Facing death and knowing the finality of it all is really hard to cope with...

 

[AresCohere]

Same thing here tbh, hence why I put my "CTB date" so far out, I'm widdling down my SI and fears, along with working to lessen the blow for my family, if they even care by that time lol.

 

[slightoverlooked]

yeah i understand that. growing up religious definitely put fear in me but nowadays I am just scared about how my corpse will look like. Death isn't pretty and I don't want anyone to see me in that state. Ig it will be unavoidable but I hope I can spare my mom from seeing me like that.

 

[cantthinkofusername]

death is rlly scary,, but what helps me get through the fear is knowing that when i do die, itll be my choice, and ill be okay with it. and when its over everything will be okay