Wanna know the hypocritical thing about me being on the site?

[Gnip]

That's something my current therapist told me. She leaves work at work. I just can't wrap my mind around how. Again because it's her job and her self care. She said she had her own therapist before as well. To this much I understand. But again, I can't imagine trying to what I could for other broken people, and in some cases, they ctb. Professional or otherwise, it must be a lot like losing a friend or someone else you've known. Which again, is why I myself wouldn't be able to handle it. I pondered psychology and at one point was interested in it as a career path. Ultimately? I understood I am one of those who would break under it all. It hurts me on a deep level just reading other's goodbye threads on SS. Complete strangers whom some I never spoke to once. I can't imagine investing in a client for months, and boom, they're gone.

I really like my current therapist. She's nice, and it feels good to be able to get the darkness that is my own thoughts off my chest. I can say she's good at what she does, because It's hard for me to like most professionals. I feel calm during the short time I have with her. But yet it still will not be enough come my own CTB. The illusion that we're not just clients to be dealt with for one's own gain or whatever is just something nice to have. At least for me. But I would never ask any of them to break under the pressure like I would. It's sad that some do.


My thoughts are random and everywhere, most likely unfinished. I ramble a lot, so take all of this with a grain of salt.

Caring isn't self sparing. Many therapists don't care, but are good at acting like they do, and as long as their clients believe they care, that's all that matters. They can't afford to be emotionally invested in their clients, because their clients can leave at any time, and not just via suicide.

Since my former psychiatrist began her medical career as an ER doctor, patient deaths were already a routine thing for her before she ever considered switching to a mental health career. Among the deceased patients who passed through her ER were relatives, friends and co workers. Actually, that goes with the territory for anybody who works in these fields. (Hospice workers take it a step further. Everybody dies, but their patients have imminent expiration dates.)

A pretty 16 year old girl I was friendly with interviewed for the same hospital job I got hired for. Less than a year later, she was killed in a car crash. I cleaned up around her gurney in the ER, then around her exposed mangled corpse in the morgue. Around the same time, a neighbor and former classmate of mine was killed in a light plane crash just short of the local airport runway. I found out about it before it was even reported in the news, when I entered the morgue to clean it, and there her body was. If you're a small town hospital worker, EMT, cop, firefighter or other patient contact employee or volunteer, this is likely to happen, and even become routine if the community's small enough.

For a teenage boy, it was at first a harrowing shock. I got over it because I had to, and coworkers provided examples to follow. It did give me insight into surviving fields like that. (However, I quickly knew for an absolute fact that this wasn't a field I wanted for a career.)


What incompetent therapists SHOULD be worried about is being able to continue their careers though. I don't care so much if they don't feel for their clients, if they don't hurt for their clients, but I definitely don't want incompetent ones being able to rip off people with impunity if client after client after client (or I should say victim) attempts suicide. (I saw this repeatedly in my hospital. Patients would repeatedly wind up in the mental health unit, then ultimately in the morgue after a suicide, yet their psychiatrists would continue practicing for decades until retiring or leaving on their own terms, like lawyers who make a fortune for failing to win for their clients, or incompetent CEOs who make hundreds of millions in severance pay after bankrupting their companies, leaving hundreds of hard working employees out of jobs.)


You describe your therapist positively. What she's really thinking or feeling is immaterial. And for her to care so deeply that she burns out and can't continue does neither her or yourself or her other clients any good.


Certain people seem born to be soldiers. Others are caregivers and others have innate predispositions towards other fields. We should strive more to be what we are, and encouraged to be whatever that is. You recognized that psychology wasn't for you.

I never did anything which spoke to any dream I ever had, but at the end of my working life, I did enjoy motel auditing a bit. The motel would be sold out so I didn't have to deal with any customer service. The day's numbers would either add up or not, and I was always able to figure out any discrepancies. Each day was a self contained event. It was peace of mind, priceless and in a quiet setting without supervision. (As a toddler, I was attracted to bright colors like males typically are, and also attracted to fragrances. My mother's best friend came from a family of florists, and my mother likes flowers, so it's easy to imagine that's the trajectory my life might've taken if I hadn't been poisoned by a rural school system strictly geared towards churning boys out for local industrial work and the military draft. My father's eyesight is color muted and his sense of smell is very weak, so he couldn't relate to me in basic ways. To this day, the stench of his Polo aftershave could knock over a horse, and even his physician's complained that his cologne arrives five minutes before he does.)

 

[_Kaira_]

Caring isn't self sparing. Many therapists don't care, but are good at acting like they do, and as long as their clients believe they care, that's all that matters. They can't afford to be emotionally invested in their clients, because their clients can leave at any time, and not just via suicide.

Since my former psychiatrist began her medical career as an ER doctor, patient deaths were already a routine thing for her before she ever considered switching to a mental health career. Among the deceased patients who passed through her ER were relatives, friends and co workers. Actually, that goes with the territory for anybody who works in these fields. (Hospice workers take it a step further. Everybody dies, but their patients have imminent expiration dates.)

A pretty 16 year old girl I was friendly with interviewed for the same hospital job I got hired for. Less than a year later, she was killed in a car crash. I cleaned up around her gurney in the ER, then around her exposed mangled corpse in the morgue. Around the same time, a neighbor and former classmate of mine was killed in a light plane crash just short of the local airport runway. I found out about it before it was even reported in the news, when I entered the morgue to clean it, and there her body was. If you're a small town hospital worker, EMT, cop, firefighter or other patient contact employee or volunteer, this is likely to happen, and even become routine if the community's small enough.

For a teenage boy, it was at first a harrowing shock. I got over it because I had to, and coworkers provided examples to follow. It did give me insight into surviving fields like that. (However, I quickly knew for an absolute fact that this wasn't a field I wanted for a career.)


What incompetent therapists SHOULD be worried about is being able to continue their careers though. I don't care so much if they don't feel for their clients, if they don't hurt for their clients, but I definitely don't want incompetent ones being able to rip off people with impunity if client after client after client (or I should say victim) attempts suicide. (I saw this repeatedly in my hospital. Patients would repeatedly wind up in the mental health unit, then ultimately in the morgue after a suicide, yet their psychiatrists would continue practicing for decades until retiring or leaving on their own terms, like lawyers who make a fortune for failing to win for their clients, or incompetent CEOs who make hundreds of millions in severance pay after bankrupting their companies, leaving hundreds of hard working employees out of jobs.)


You describe your therapist positively. What she's really thinking or feeling is immaterial. And for her to care so deeply that she burns out and can't continue does neither her or yourself or her other clients any good.


Certain people seem born to be soldiers. Others are caregivers and others have innate predispositions towards other fields. We should strive more to be what we are, and encouraged to be whatever that is. You recognized that psychology wasn't for you.

I never did anything which spoke to any dream I ever had, but at the end of my working life, I did enjoy motel auditing a bit. The motel would be sold out so I didn't have to deal with any customer service. The day's numbers would either add up or not, and I was always able to figure out any discrepancies. Each day was a self contained event. It was peace of mind, priceless and in a quiet setting without supervision. (As a toddler, I was attracted to bright colors like males typically are, and also attracted to fragrances. My mother's best friend came from a family of florists, and my mother likes flowers, so it's easy to imagine that's the trajectory my life might've taken if I hadn't been poisoned by a rural school system strictly geared towards churning boys out for local industrial work and the military draft. My father's eyesight is color muted and his sense of smell is very weak, so he couldn't relate to me in basic ways. To this day, the stench of his Polo aftershave could knock over a horse, and even his physician's complained that his cologne arrives five minutes before he does.)

I apologize that I'm not the best at describing things. When I said 'self care' I was referring to doing things for her own happiness (e.g: Watching movies, taking a walk, etc). None of them should be expected to care. Cause you're right. Their time with us can be short or long in any way, and I do feel like some of the good ones are taken for granted (treated like a robot to just talk to with no thoughts). I guess what I've been trying to say is that it does take an exceptionally strong person to be able to A) do a good job and B) at the very least PRETEND that it's more than just a job. As I've said, I sympathize for the ones who wish they could do more but simply can't. I am impressed with those who are capable to be so strong in an emotionally demanding line of work.

Doing good work is important, especially in this field. Even if they are emotionally neutral, I think for a lot of people do get better services from those who can pull off (even if they don't really) high levels of caring. At least for me, I can sense when a professional is BSing with me and don't give a damn about me and my life. It's a big turn away to keep me seeing them... I agree 100%, those who fail in every sense of the job, caring or otherwise, should be re-evaluated on how they got the position to begin with...


To that, I am sorry for what you have had to go through in your life.

 

[Despondent]

Then there are also patients where I'm like yeah, if I were you I'd kill myself too, it makes sense.

I know you don't mean anything ill by this but I had a good chuckle
(The way you worded it, not that others wanting to ctb is funny to me, I'm going to add).

 

[Gnip]

I apologize that I'm not the best at describing things. When I said 'self care' I was referring to doing things for her own happiness (e.g: Watching movies, taking a walk, etc). None of them should be expected to care. Cause you're right. Their time with us can be short or long in any way, and I do feel like some of the good ones are taken for granted (treated like a robot to just talk to with no thoughts). I guess what I've been trying to say is that it does take an exceptionally strong person to be able to A) do a good job and B) at the very least PRETEND that it's more than just a job. As I've said, I sympathize for the ones who wish they could do more but simply can't. I am impressed with those who are capable to be so strong in an emotionally demanding line of work.

Doing good work is important, especially in this field. Even if they are emotionally neutral, I think for a lot of people do get better services from those who can pull off (even if they don't really) high levels of caring. At least for me, I can sense when a professional is BSing with me and don't give a damn about me and my life. It's a big turn away to keep me seeing them... I agree 100%, those who fail in every sense of the job, caring or otherwise, should be re-evaluated on how they got the position to begin with...


To that, I am sorry for what you have had to go through in your life.

No sweat, and no need to apologize, especially for having a conscience and sense of responsibility! (For decades, my elementary school principal father has bragged and boasted about telling me that suicide would be a good thing for me, while two of my guidance counselors and my school psychologist told me I'd never amount to anything, so nobody online has any potential to offend me in any way.)

My anger and bone spur pain in the neck is too great for me to articulate things well either (endless headache), and I still have a ways to go before I settle in here (assuming I stick around SS long enough to become a significant contributor here).

Strength? From an overly intellectual perspective, I tend to lean more in favor of resilience. I've seen large strong oak trees break in hurricanes while blades of grass remain intact. When an ER nurse's boyfriend who popularly volunteered in the ER and worked as an accountant in the business office was killed in an accident while she was on duty, she fell apart, and should have (as did the rest of the ER staff, who had to be replaced by the staff from a patient room floor in that crisis). But by their next ER shift, it was back to business.

For that guy's friends in the ER to remain strong when he was brought in with a fractured and bleeding skull would have been more disturbing than falling apart in that instant. (It may have been individually worse when an ER physician's golfing buddy came in with a fatal heart attack late at night. To begin with, there was absolutely nobody to relieve him even if he was willing to step aside, then he absolutely refused to give up on his friend, continuing to try saving that life over half an hour after time of death would have normally been declared. That doctor was still trying when my shift ended at 11 PM. I found out later that he only gave up when another emergency came through the door with a case which could be saved.) Nights like these could be hell. Nothing on television describes that kind of thing accurately (and I have a physician who actually has been the medical consultant for multiple prominent television dramas).


So far as being sorry for what I've had to go through in my life, that's hardly your apology to make, and those who should be sorry either don't have a conscience (or like my father wish they could do it to me all over again) or are in Hell (if such a place exists, which I'm beginning to doubt with the lack of justice in this world).

 

[_Kaira_]

No sweat, and no need to apologize, especially for having a conscience and sense of responsibility! (For decades, my elementary school principal father has bragged and boasted about telling me that suicide would be a good thing for me, while two of my guidance counselors and my school psychologist told me I'd never amount to anything, so nobody online has any potential to offend me in any way.)

My anger and bone spur pain in the neck is too great for me to articulate things well either (endless headache), and I still have a ways to go before I settle in here (assuming I stick around SS long enough to become a significant contributor here).

Strength? From an overly intellectual perspective, I tend to lean more in favor of resilience. I've seen large strong oak trees break in hurricanes while blades of grass remain intact. When an ER nurse's boyfriend who popularly volunteered in the ER and worked as an accountant in the business office was killed in an accident while she was on duty, she fell apart, and should have (as did the rest of the ER staff, who had to be replaced by the staff from a patient room floor in that crisis). But by their next ER shift, it was back to business.

For that guy's friends in the ER to remain strong when he was brought in with a fractured and bleeding skull would have been more disturbing than falling apart in that instant. (It may have been individually worse when an ER physician's golfing buddy came in with a fatal heart attack late at night. To begin with, there was absolutely nobody to relieve him even if he was willing to step aside, then he absolutely refused to give up on his friend, continuing to try saving that life over half an hour after time of death would have normally been declared. That doctor was still trying when my shift ended at 11 PM. I found out later that he only gave up when another emergency came through the door with a case which could be saved.) Nights like these could be hell. Nothing on television describes that kind of thing accurately (and I have a physician who actually has been the medical consultant for multiple prominent television dramas).


So far as being sorry for what I've had to go through in my life, that's hardly your apology to make, and those who should be sorry either don't have a conscience (or like my father wish they could do it to me all over again) or are in Hell (if such a place exists, which I'm beginning to doubt with the lack of justice in this world).

Also have poor word diversity . Articulating is among my many weaknesses, even on a forum. You explained some of my thoughts a little more clearly, when it comes to describing strength.

And that's why I struggle to believe in anything. I find it very hard to believe that any god we live under would be this cruel. But that's a whole 'nother topic for a different thread. And something I don't really want to get into.

Regardless I am sorry, hearing other's horrifying experiences is truly saddening. Makes me wonder if I really should be feeling so sorry for myself when there's others out there who have and are suffering worse.

Anyhow, since I never really answered OP. No, I don't think it's that hypocritical. People who understand on a deeper level sometimes are easier to talk to. Least for me.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

parkour lol

 

[justpeachy]

I am a therapist and have worked as someone who does the legal paperwork for sectioning so I would really piss some people off. My job and being in the mental health field is really the only thing that keeps me going. I have all the same issues other users do...I just happen to be a therapist too.

 

[Boart]

Well, the ward needs to exist, doesn't it. Problem is it's not working like it's supposed to.

 

[lofistos345]

This is a really good discussion. Following it.

 

[Antigonish]

I work in a psych ward. I am both the thing this sub hates and one of yall.

If you're asking why I'd do that, I do care about people and I do have an interest in mental health. There are some people who DO want help, those are my favorite patients.

Then there are also patients where I'm like yeah, if I were you I'd kill myself too, it makes sense.

I'll literally be on a 1:1 with someone who actively wants to die and I'll be sitting there fantasizing about my own death. Am I hypocrite? Am I just a person with dual sided views? Idk, maybe both.

I think I just fell in love, marry me.

 

[justpeachy]

Also have poor word diversity . Articulating is among my many weaknesses, even on a forum. You explained some of my thoughts a little more clearly, when it comes to describing strength.

And that's why I struggle to believe in anything. I find it very hard to believe that any god we live under would be this cruel. But that's a whole 'nother topic for a different thread. And something I don't really want to get into.

Regardless I am sorry, hearing other's horrifying experiences is truly saddening. Makes me wonder if I really should be feeling so sorry for myself when there's others out there who have and are suffering worse.

Anyhow, since I never really answered OP. No, I don't think it's that hypocritical. People who understand on a deeper level sometimes are easier to talk to. Least for me.

I think that as a therapist having been an addict and having been through mental health issues myself and currently clearly going through them that it really does help me with my patients and understanding and building a good and trusting foundation.

 

[AutoTap]

I work in a psych ward. I am both the thing this sub hates and one of yall.

If you're asking why I'd do that, I do care about people and I do have an interest in mental health. There are some people who DO want help, those are my favorite patients.

Then there are also patients where I'm like yeah, if I were you I'd kill myself too, it makes sense.

I'll literally be on a 1:1 with someone who actively wants to die and I'll be sitting there fantasizing about my own death. Am I hypocrite? Am I just a person with dual sided views? Idk, maybe both.

It actually makes sense. Lots of people go into a field they relate too or a feel a passion for.

 

[NodusTollens]

I work in a psych ward. I am both the thing this sub hates and one of yall.

If you're asking why I'd do that, I do care about people and I do have an interest in mental health. There are some people who DO want help, those are my favorite patients.

Then there are also patients where I'm like yeah, if I were you I'd kill myself too, it makes sense.

I'll literally be on a 1:1 with someone who actively wants to die and I'll be sitting there fantasizing about my own death. Am I hypocrite? Am I just a person with dual sided views? Idk, maybe both.

Lived experience is monumental in the field, clients tend see through you otherwise. You're not a hypocrite- ex suicide chat responder here (needed a break)... I feel you. Helped the ones I could, empathized with the ones that just needed an ear. Criticized for being overly empathetic with their pain. *shrugs* It is what it is.

Take care.