I've been on and off depressed for most of my life that I can remember. The first time I really wanted to CTB was in 7th grade and I'm now 27 - 28 next month. Any outsider would see me as a pretty successful person - college degree and working my dream job, no debts, fairly smart and attractive. Unfortunately my "dream job" is a nightmare and has destroyed me as a person over the past year and a half. My live-in left me, I have 0 interest in anything in my life, I am a shell of the person I used to be.
I am really trying so hard to not CTB. I think about it daily and I know I could do it. My dog is the main reason I haven't. He's 3 years old now and I got him right after I moved here for my job. I'm very close to my family and 3 younger siblings but have been working on pushing them away. I haven't spoken i my parents outside of a few exchanges for two months.
From this description, it seems like the obvious answer is to just quit my job and I am at my breaking point and will be on May 10th for strategic reasons. I haven't been able to since I have some chronic health issues and being in the US I haven't wanted to risk losing my healthcare. My specific industry is not doing amazing and the other major companies have had layoffs.
I finally have enough saved up that I'm quitting anyway. I've stockpiled my meds a bit so I can be without health insurance for awhile if I need to. Back in October, my parents came to visit and I had just gotten to this level of depression and I felt like I was at the end of my rope (now I'm more numb to it/smoke a lot more weed). I was close to my saving goal but not at a level where I was confident I could be unemployed for more than 3 months. I put together all my financial info and my plan to present to my parents in a "Shark tank" like fashion to ask for a max of $10k if I was still unemployed after 3 months and exhausted my savings (which I would ideally repay to them at a later date). When I mentioned the potential of them supporting me to my mom the first day of their trip she told me not even to ask my dad so I didn't. I had to hear them complain about how hard it is house shopping in my state because "a million dollars doesn't get you as much here as it does in (their midwestern state)" which was just upsetting.
I've been pulling back from them a bit since because that's their right to not support me, I'm the same age my mom was when she had me, but it just hurts to know that they aren't even willing to sign onto support I need when they knew everything happening. I still went home for Christmas and tried to put on my best happy face with my siblings and family though I still felt so hollow and like an outsider looking in. Im so proud of my siblings, they're all doing so well and I'm just me. I feel like the depression has eaten away my soul. In late January, I was on the phone with my mom and brought up something I was hoping to do at work to get some recognition that was completely in-bounds, my mom laughed at me and I hung up and haven't spoken to her since outside of a few text exchanges.
Two Mondays ago I was running late to work because I couldn't stop crying getting ready and knew my boss was going to rip into me as soon as I was there. I hadn't been able to sleep the night before stressed about the next day and ended up getting 2 hours of actual sleep. I send a Snapchat of me sobbing walking from the lot to my building and captioned it something dramatic and in a moment of just pure frustration sent it to my mom as well. She messaged back and asked "what are we going to do?" I told her I asked for help and they said no so I'm going to do my May 10th plan and I just have to stay alive til then. She acted dumb and asked when they told me they wouldn't help and I reminded her about October. Last Monday she texted and said her and my dad have been brainstorming and want to call to talk options. I tried to put it off til this weekend so I could spiral in bed afterwards but they were traveling. Now I have to call them to talk tomorrow after my brother heads back to college and I'm so anxious and upset even thinking about talking to them.
Part of me is just so upset that even if they agree to what I had originally asked now that they could have just agreed in October before I got to this place. I feel like I've reached such a level of severe depression since then that I don't know how I will ever come back. Like I'm barely functioning at this point I am so miserable and just like gone. Anyway, just needed a place to write this all down. If anyone has any helpful thoughts or ways to handle the conversation or in general let me know.
I am really trying so hard to not CTB. I think about it daily and I know I could do it. My dog is the main reason I haven't. He's 3 years old now and I got him right after I moved here for my job. I'm very close to my family and 3 younger siblings but have been working on pushing them away. I haven't spoken i my parents outside of a few exchanges for two months.
From this description, it seems like the obvious answer is to just quit my job and I am at my breaking point and will be on May 10th for strategic reasons. I haven't been able to since I have some chronic health issues and being in the US I haven't wanted to risk losing my healthcare. My specific industry is not doing amazing and the other major companies have had layoffs.
I finally have enough saved up that I'm quitting anyway. I've stockpiled my meds a bit so I can be without health insurance for awhile if I need to. Back in October, my parents came to visit and I had just gotten to this level of depression and I felt like I was at the end of my rope (now I'm more numb to it/smoke a lot more weed). I was close to my saving goal but not at a level where I was confident I could be unemployed for more than 3 months. I put together all my financial info and my plan to present to my parents in a "Shark tank" like fashion to ask for a max of $10k if I was still unemployed after 3 months and exhausted my savings (which I would ideally repay to them at a later date). When I mentioned the potential of them supporting me to my mom the first day of their trip she told me not even to ask my dad so I didn't. I had to hear them complain about how hard it is house shopping in my state because "a million dollars doesn't get you as much here as it does in (their midwestern state)" which was just upsetting.
I've been pulling back from them a bit since because that's their right to not support me, I'm the same age my mom was when she had me, but it just hurts to know that they aren't even willing to sign onto support I need when they knew everything happening. I still went home for Christmas and tried to put on my best happy face with my siblings and family though I still felt so hollow and like an outsider looking in. Im so proud of my siblings, they're all doing so well and I'm just me. I feel like the depression has eaten away my soul. In late January, I was on the phone with my mom and brought up something I was hoping to do at work to get some recognition that was completely in-bounds, my mom laughed at me and I hung up and haven't spoken to her since outside of a few text exchanges.
Two Mondays ago I was running late to work because I couldn't stop crying getting ready and knew my boss was going to rip into me as soon as I was there. I hadn't been able to sleep the night before stressed about the next day and ended up getting 2 hours of actual sleep. I send a Snapchat of me sobbing walking from the lot to my building and captioned it something dramatic and in a moment of just pure frustration sent it to my mom as well. She messaged back and asked "what are we going to do?" I told her I asked for help and they said no so I'm going to do my May 10th plan and I just have to stay alive til then. She acted dumb and asked when they told me they wouldn't help and I reminded her about October. Last Monday she texted and said her and my dad have been brainstorming and want to call to talk options. I tried to put it off til this weekend so I could spiral in bed afterwards but they were traveling. Now I have to call them to talk tomorrow after my brother heads back to college and I'm so anxious and upset even thinking about talking to them.
Part of me is just so upset that even if they agree to what I had originally asked now that they could have just agreed in October before I got to this place. I feel like I've reached such a level of severe depression since then that I don't know how I will ever come back. Like I'm barely functioning at this point I am so miserable and just like gone. Anyway, just needed a place to write this all down. If anyone has any helpful thoughts or ways to handle the conversation or in general let me know.
