Venting I want to kill myself before my parents ruin my life for good

[satanpixidreamgirl]

My parents have been a constant source of agony and I cannot take it, I wish so much that they never would've had me holy fuck. They talked me into going to homeschool when I was a freshman in high school just because I was a depressed teenager and I never graduated bc they wouldn't take me for year-end testing. and now that I'm trying to get my HiSET they will not take me to classes for that except for once a week and I'm fucking struggling in algebra, I can't take myself because they flat out never taught me to drive nor will they, if I ask them my dad gets violently aggressive with me or threatens me. Everyone I know doesn't live that close to me (blessings of living in a rural era). My dad's always been violent and I genuinely cannot do anything about it because If I call the cops on him, because I live in the American south, they will just side with him for hitting me, I called the cops for him hitting me when I was a young teen, with a giant bruise on my face and they just said "well, you just listened to him, And when I was 18, I was trying to get away from him and he grabbed me, while I was holding my blind cat and I pulled out my self defense knife and cut him and Im currently on probation for it (the state pressed charges, not him, but he threatened to fire the lawyer he hired if I told him that It was in self defense and I was forced to plead guilty by him) All of my friends said "He had it coming" but still, I am trapped, I went to a mental hospital not long after it happened and even the psychiatrist said "sounds like your dad had it coming" but the thing is, I'm twenty now and still live with him and my mom because I'm on probation and that limits me from getting jobs and nobody will take me to a fucking job anyways! I had a job where my mom works and she didn't take when we had a death in my family and I got fired, my dad will get explosively upset because of something stupid, hit me, threaten to kick me out and then without me saying anything to him he'll get all "I don't want you to go baby I love you, you can stay as long as you want. And I fucking listen to him because I am and an idiot I guess. But the last time he was screaming at me he brought up the man who raped me out of nowhere just to push my buttons "Have *my rapist ex* come get you", he's so evil and manipulative and so is my mother, she nods along with him, they make want to die and they make me feel so trapped and hopeless.
I've applied for jobs, my angel of a boyfriend is going to help my drive this summer but I have little to not hope when they look to tear me down so quickly.

 

[Old Friend]

Easier said than done but you need to leave.

Can you not move in with your boyfriend or crash at friends?

Your parents are never going to change and so it's never going to get better if you stay there.

 

[satanpixidreamgirl]

I know I do, I'm working on it, I crash at my bfs dorm when I can but it's on the other side of the the state

 

[mainlanders_son]

Please give yourself a chance to live independently of your parents before you CTB. Your life is super tough right now but you may still have a chance.

PS your dad sounds like a dick.

 

[actualfemcel]

You have a bf so you still have hope at escaping your abusive situation. Can you convince him to let you stay with him for an extended period until you can get back on your feet? You are over the age of 18, so your parents legally cannot force you to stay with them unless you are disabled.

 

[BrainShower]

You gotta get out of there.
Are there any women's shelters/advocates in your area? Please try to contact one of these if you're able. They may be able to help.