Venting I feel sorry for my parents...

[DesperateOne]

I really really want to go, but I feel like I'm obliged to live for my parents. They are both hard working and have been beaten down by life again and again and again. Even though the parenting was absolutely horrible, they've given me everything materially and tried the best way they can to show love. I feel like I'm owed to live for them. If I go I know it will absolutely destroy them, possibly beyond repair, but I can't live anymore. Are these feelings valid and correct? I really just want to leave, I don't feel like a human anymore, I'm too far gone.

 

[Ligottian]

Both of my parents are dead. I took a vow to wait for that.

 

[divinemistress36]

Yes. I don't want to break my Dad's heart

 

[SnackNinja]

I can relate, I hate that parents not only bring us into this world of hell but then guilt trip us into staying otherwise it will make them feel sad so not only do they create a life of suffering but they imprison it with their guilt Trip from escaping it. F****** evil. Bringing life into this nightmare world is the most evil thing a person can ever do.

 

[DizzyFolfy]

Love, or however you'd like to define it, is a funny feeling. Somehow and sometimes it can and does transcend death. You're in quite the crossroad right now. Though I imagine they may not like the idea of you going, have you tried talking to them?

Your feelings are as valid as they can get. They're literally... you.
I suppose for ease of mind, don't think of it as an obligation. If being there for them makes you happy, or brings a spark in your heart, then that's what that is. If it doesn't, then that's also okay.

 

[hopeless08]

I really really want to go, but I feel like I'm obliged to live for my parents. They are both hard working and have been beaten down by life again and again and again. Even though the parenting was absolutely horrible, they've given me everything materially and tried the best way they can to show love. I feel like I'm owed to live for them. If I go I know it will absolutely destroy them, possibly beyond repair, but I can't live anymore. Are these feelings valid and correct? I really just want to leave, I don't feel like a human anymore, I'm too far gone.

I have the same dilemma it would absolutely destroy my mother and it's so unbelievably painful to even think about it.I wish we could shut off our emotions before ctbing. Unfortunately I can't help you z'with an answer I'm in the same boat

 

[february in alaska]

Same boat. I plan on pushing through it. Maybe it makes me a bad person, doing it anyway.... I sure admire people who are able to hang on. But I just can't anymore, and I have to hope they'll understand. As messed up as it is, I'm glad I won't have to deal with any of the fallout... no guilt once you're gone

Don't beat yourself up about feeling any of it. But no matter what, it's your life, and its a choice you get to make for yourself, even if that means being "selfish". I don't think there's really a right or wrong answer. Good luck and lots of hugs, I know exactly how hard this can be

 

[restlessdream3r]

It makes me feel guilty too. My sister died of brain cancer in 2009. She was 20 but suffered for a long time and it damaged them. I know that losing another child will kill them but my mom is a narcissist. My dad is the only person that I feel sorry for. I'm disconnected from my family and children anyway.

 

[AllMyDreams]

I think the fact you still have empathy for your parents proves that you are a human and a considerate one at that.

Are you an adult, or do you still live with your parents?

 

[hug]

I can relate, I hate that parents not only bring us into this world of hell but then guilt trip us into staying otherwise it will make them feel sad so not only do they create a life of suffering but they imprison it with their guilt Trip from escaping it. F****** evil. Bringing life into this nightmare world is the most evil thing a person can ever do.

my mother had the option to abort me, but if she did that, I would never meet my brother, I feel alive around him and I know he feels the same and we see each other like that so....it's not that bad, at least for me

 

[karmaisabitch]

I really really want to go, but I feel like I'm obliged to live for my parents. They are both hard working and have been beaten down by life again and again and again. Even though the parenting was absolutely horrible, they've given me everything materially and tried the best way they can to show love. I feel like I'm owed to live for them. If I go I know it will absolutely destroy them, possibly beyond repair, but I can't live anymore. Are these feelings valid and correct? I really just want to leave, I don't feel like a human anymore, I'm too far gone.

I can't tell you enough how painful it's without my son. My life just shut down completely I don't see lights anymore. Since my son passed away I lost my happiness and my well to live. My son was the air I breathe he was my beautiful small family and now I'm just a thing waiting to be buried. When I'm driving home from work I go to see him at the grave yard I take flowers and I sit there until it's dark because I feel home by him. I only go home to shower. And I don't sleep anymore..

 

[GreenOctober]

my mother had the option to abort me, but if she did that, I would never meet my brother, I feel alive around him and I know he feels the same and we see each other like that so....it's not that bad, at least for me

AHHHHH fuck it I'm happy for you two

 

[DesperateOne]

It makes me feel guilty too. My sister died of brain cancer in 2009. She was 20 but suffered for a long time and it damaged them. I know that losing another child will kill them but my mom is a narcissist. My dad is the only person that I feel sorry for. I'm disconnected from my family and children anyway.

I've been disconnected from my parents and other people in general for a very long time. I was drowning in my own world and isolation for the past 10 years, without any friends or serious intimate contact with anyone. Somehow I've kind of snapped out of it, but it only lasts a few seconds. When it happens, I should be getting happy feelings and joy for life, but instead the entirety of reality that I've been running away from for so long starts crashing down. It's too much to bear every moment and emotion that I've dissociated away from and it's definitely way to late to fix. I guess I might write something like this in my note and hope that they understand.

 

[tbroken]

I really really want to go, but I feel like I'm obliged to live for my parents. They are both hard working and have been beaten down by life again and again and again. Even though the parenting was absolutely horrible, they've given me everything materially and tried the best way they can to show love. I feel like I'm owed to live for them. If I go I know it will absolutely destroy them, possibly beyond repair, but I can't live anymore. Are these feelings valid and correct? I really just want to leave, I don't feel like a human anymore, I'm too far gone.

There are many ways to break parents heart, imo suicide is a bad thing, but not that bad if you compare that to sexual crimes or worst.
How old are they if i may ask? Mine are almost 70, so the thing is getting easier by that point of view.

 

[DesperateOne]

There are many ways to break parents heart, imo suicide is a bad thing, but not that bad if you compare that to sexual crimes or worst.
How old are they if i may ask? Mine are almost 70, so the thing is getting easier from that point of view.

They are in their 40's (I'm 23). Mom had me at 18. I mean when you look at it, overall my parents didn't even have a normal proper child. I got addicted to escapism through the internet when I was 11 and afterwards I kinda just spent most of life in my own room staring at a monitor without any major social contact. Practically grew up online in English cultural environment, so my own country is completely foreign to me lol (yes it is that extreme). My brain is completely fried and I can't function normally at all, with a bunch of mental illnesses to top it off.

I think my parents think that I'm still a normal person, just a bit shy lol and severely depressed, but if they saw me how I interact with people it would give them a reality check. Their son is a major weirdo. Better to save them all this embarrassment and heartbreak when they truly find out how much of a fuck up I am... Ending it is definitely better from that point of view. At least they could blame it on depression and not themselves.

 

[tbroken]

They are in their 40's (I'm 23). Mom had me at 18.

F*ck... they are still pretty young to handle it imo.
Btw... I perfectly understand you, even if ppl were not so cruel to me, i just can't breath the same air of some guys,it is just stronger than me, yet I was incapacitated by CTPSD and had to make double the efforts to change my fate.
You asked for opinions and mine is that if you ctb and you didn't even to talk to them about this, you will break them for sure.

 

[DesperateOne]

F*ck... they are still pretty young to handle it imo.
Btw... I perfectly understand you, even if ppl were not so cruel to me, i just can't breath the same air of some guys,it is just stronger than me, yet I was incapacitated by CTPSD and had to make double the efforts to change my fate.
You asked for opinions and mine is that if you ctb and you didn't even to talk to them about this, you will break them for sure.

Thanks for the replies. They kinda already know. I ordered SN to Croatia and when it came the police seized it at 4 in the morning, and they were there for the entire thing. I was also diagnosed with depression and suicidal tendencies in the mental health ward, so they know that I'm sick. Maybe they have somewhat come to turns with it because of that? Maybe they will blame the illness (depression) instead of themselves and it will make the entire thing easier...

 

[tbroken]

Thanks for the replies. They kinda already know. I ordered SN to Croatia and when it came the police seized it at 4 in the morning, and they were there for the entire thing. I was also diagnosed with depression and suicidal tendencies in the mental health ward, so they know that I'm sick. Maybe they have somewhat come to turns with it because of that? Maybe they will blame the illness (depression) instead of themselves and it will make the entire thing easier...

Now that i read all the story(i already did in some previous posts) we share a lot of things, because i also live in Europe(Italy) and Computers were both my passion and my way out when i felt desperate.
I Italy there are a lot of guys like these, and it is not viewed as an addiction or problem anymore, it is just evolution.
The real sad thing is seeing ppl still speaking local dialect and go to church or do strange jobs and screw globalization, while instead globalization and technology are the only way for a normal and prosperous life.

 

[TapeMachine]

I completely relate. Compassion for my parents is the only thing keeping me tethered to life.

My parents are flawed people. They have done and said things in the past that have been hard to forgive; BUT- and this is huge- they both have shown sincere remorse for their separate blunders. Their misdeeds seem to cause them relentless feelings of shame and grief, almost to the point of eating them alive at times...and it breaks my fucking heart.

I feel a great deal of respect and sympathy for people with self-awareness and the determination for growth and atonement, because no part of such a transformation is ever easy.

My parents are the opposite of those revolting Fix-the-26 parents; my mom and dad blame only themselves for the recent death of my brother. And I don't want to heap on even more guilt by taking my life. I just don't think they'd be able to bear the weight of having lost two of their children to suicide. They don't deserve all of that trauma and sadness...

 

[lucmucpuc]

Thanks for the replies. They kinda already know. I ordered SN to Croatia and when it came the police seized it at 4 in the morning, and they were there for the entire thing. I was also diagnosed with depression and suicidal tendencies in the mental health ward, so they know that I'm sick. Maybe they have somewhat come to turns with it because of that? Maybe they will blame the illness (depression) instead of themselves and it will make the entire thing easier...

how did police know you ordered sn? im also from cro so im curious if theres any risk ordering it