[venting?] i think im addicted to this site........

[raindrops]

I mean coming here doesn't mean you ctb, being on this site is helpful, the community is amazing, if anything it is just a social platform where you can have a real, adult conversation about leaving this hell hole called earth. I love the freedom of speech here and I wish it wasn't considered taboo.
You have the recovery section which is brilliant too. But when is it enough?
Like when I'm down and feel my worst I come here. I feel comfort from it, yet I have made no "friends" I don't communicate with anybody here, I dont have a problem with that because if I did make a friend I'd be distraught if I lost them, not only that I have some paranoia about making friends, like what if they ctb and it comes back to you? That would be horrible either way.

I'm thankful for all of my replies, that is somewhat friendship, community spirit, I love that. I joined in March, I was at my lowest and I had no one to speak too about my thoughts, still now they're sort of secret, I have acted childish and told people when crying but it just sounds like that usual depressed stuff to them, they don't think I'm serious about ctb. But... even when I did speak here about what I was going through I felt guilty, some people here have a worse situation, but I come up with this saying once, (i hope its not too insensitive) so yeah here it is... say I had a paper cut, and you had a broken arm, the broken arm is considered worse, yet my paper cut stings like hell, I can't feel your broken arm, I do not know that pain, yet we're both in pain and that feeling is the worst too you. You really can't compare situations or reasons for coming here.

Most days I will feel great like yes! I can conquer the world! then I remember how I feel most days, I mostly live in fear of the future. I'm scared to feel happy, but I do want to be happy, I feel that feeling of happiness coming back and it is sort of back again, but then something says "but what about this and that, remember?!"
They say once you're at your lowest point the only way is up again, so what happens when you reach the top...again.
I know life is full of ups & downs, I just want to find comfort, truly. Happiness, truly. I want to feel like an adult. I want to be able to stop checking SS, I want to function normally to some degree. Like I don't want to leave here because I think it's bad, I want to look back and think yeah, SS helped me or was there when I needed it.
I just can't.....yet I can.

 

[Water-Lily]

I can relate to this

I used to have an old account. SS gave me the freedom to explore suicidality in a way other websites didn't. Instead of an emphasis on living regardless of ones situations, the idea of choice is valued here. Becuase of that I felt understood and validated

However, I had a situation where I ended up deleting my account. I thought "I can stand on my own without SS" only to join back about a month ago.

Though I am not sure what to say, know that I too can relate.

 

[Deleted member 94]

I mean coming here doesn't mean you ctb, being on this site is helpful, the community is amazing, if anything it is just a social platform where you can have a real, adult conversation about leaving this hell hole called earth. I love the freedom of speech here and I wish it wasn't considered taboo.
You have the recovery section which is brilliant too. But when is it enough?
Like when I'm down and feel my worst I come here. I feel comfort from it, yet I have made no "friends" I don't communicate with anybody here, I dont have a problem with that because if I did make a friend I'd be distraught if I lost them, not only that I have some paranoia about making friends, like what if they ctb and it comes back to you? That would be horrible either way.

I'm thankful for all of my replies, that is somewhat friendship, community spirit, I love that. I joined in March, I was at my lowest and I had no one to speak too about my thoughts, still now they're sort of secret, I have acted childish and told people when crying but it just sounds like that usual depressed stuff to them, they don't think I'm serious about ctb. But... even when I did speak here about what I was going through I felt guilty, some people here have a worse situation, but I come up with this saying once, (i hope its not too insensitive) so yeah here it is... say I had a paper cut, and you had a broken arm, the broken arm is considered worse, yet my paper cut stings like hell, I can't feel your broken arm, I do not know that pain, yet we're both in pain and that feeling is the worst too you. You really can't compare situations or reasons for coming here.

Most days I will feel great like yes! I can conquer the world! then I remember how I feel most days, I mostly live in fear of the future. I'm scared to feel happy, but I do want to be happy, I feel that feeling of happiness coming back and it is sort of back again, but then something says "but what about this and that, remember?!"
They say once you're at your lowest point the only way is up again, so what happens when you reach the top...again.
I know life is full of ups & downs, I just want to find comfort, truly. Happiness, truly. I want to feel like an adult. I want to be able to stop checking SS, I want to function normally to some degree. Like I don't want to leave here because I think it's bad, I want to look back and think yeah, SS helped me or was there when I needed it.
I just can't.....yet I can.

This site is like a bus stop not everybody who joins up catches the bus. It serves many purposes just look at all the different threads and sections, it's evolved over the years and continue to evolve I come her to share problem I might be having irl and believe it's therapeutic because a problem shared is a problem halved.

 

[140 bpm]

I can relate to your words 100%. It's not just about your bus. It's about understanding of reality and acceptance of your schedule. It's about sharing parts of you and learning on other ppl's experiences. It's about dumping your grief bucket and helping others who need it.
It's about life.

 

[Sherri]

I am too, it's my companion when I'm alone, and I've "met" amazing people here.

 

[DocNo]

I can relate to your words 100%. It's not just about your bus. It's about understanding of reality and acceptance of your schedule. It's about sharing parts of you and learning on other ppl's experiences. It's about dumping your grief bucket and helping others who need it.
It's about life.

thanks. couldn't say it better.

it's about real life. sometimes the world outside feels like fake life cause some topics are hidden in the dark. but for me real life is to allow us to look everywhere cause if suppressed it grows like cancer. for me this observation is valid for individuals as it is for society.

edit: and yeah - i also did think yesterday that i really spend too much time here. it really became my social life somehow.