Venting Urge to recover vs sabotage

[attackingvertical]

I guess this is a vent/discussion? I'm sure there are others on here who also flip-flop between wanting to get better and not wanting to. I think I've started sliding to not again. It feels selfish. Especially after all the effort my parents and those around me have put into supporting me.

At the same time, I keep getting impulsive urges and thoughts. Like to buzz all my hair off or run away and never talk to anyone ever again. I wanna drink and cut and just ruin my life. I think the only thing holding me back is anxiety. I care really deeply about what others think, even when my mom and friends tell me I shouldn't. I miss when I was on zoloft, or when I was on Prozac. I felt so distant and numb. Nothing was holding me back then.

I don't know why I get the urge to just ruin everything. And a part of me doesn't want it to get better. Especially when the future seems so bleak. Sometimes I think I need to go to therapy again. Or just someone to talk to and hug.

 

[whybother2002]

The most cliche therapy quote, but it's cliche cause it's true: one day at a time. Don't think about the future, don't overthink about your urges. Live day by day. Everyday is a victory agains sabotage.

I'm not suitable to really say this, as my life is shit. But this is what I think a therapist would say. Virtual hugs.

 

[monetpompo]

I guess this is a vent/discussion? I'm sure there are others on here who also flip-flop between wanting to get better and not wanting to. I think I've started sliding to not again. It feels selfish. Especially after all the effort my parents and those around me have put into supporting me.

suuuuppppeerr relatable. it's good that you're able to get support from your parents and people around you. my parents don't really care (would rather send me to a ward or give me money if i started screaming about suicide again) and my friends feel bad for me but they can't offer me that much comfort when i can't see them in person. the last time i had a mental breakdown all my dad did was buy me mcdonalds. awesome.

I don't know why I get the urge to just ruin everything. And a part of me doesn't want it to get better. Especially when the future seems so bleak. Sometimes I think I need to go to therapy again. Or just someone to talk to and hug.

you know that you can ruin it, i guess. that's how i approach it. i don't want to get better either. i feel too irredeemable too, i guess, even if the people in my life tell me i'm a good person. people recommend therapy for a good reason, even if it can sound dismissive. you can find ways of coping with it, and have someone that actually understands what you're going through. i've never been able to afford it and i find people recommending it to me irritating since i'd have to blow a bunch of money on something that might not even work. one of my friends told me she can only go if she has enough money to do it. it's not really fair to people that don't have money, since cheapo therapists also suck a lot. having someone to talk to, even just on the phone, makes me sleep better and feel better. i don't have anyone in my life like that anymore. i used to see friends as something that made life worth living, but it can also drive me straight to hell if i lose the people i'm close to.

like @whybother2002 said, live day by day. sometimes all i can do is live life in 10 minute increments. sometimes all i want to do is puke or cry because i feel sad. then another 10 minutes passes, and i'm still alive.

 

[attackingvertical]

The most cliche therapy quote, but it's cliche cause it's true: one day at a time. Don't think about the future, don't overthink about your urges. Live day by day. Everyday is a victory agains sabotage.

I'm not suitable to really say this, as my life is shit. But this is what I think a therapist would say. Virtual hugs.

Thank you. They would say that cause its true. I keep doomscrolling and thinking about how i'm gonma buy a house or groceries or whatever. Even just living in an apartment now is hard. Overthinking isn't doing any good though.

I hope things can get better for you. Maybe we'll both improve someday. It's easier to hope when I can hope for other people too.

suuuuppppeerr relatable. it's good that you're able to get support from your parents and people around you. my parents don't really care (would rather send me to a ward or give me money if i started screaming about suicide again) and my friends feel bad for me but they can't offer me that much comfort when i can't see them in person.

I'm sorry they're not caring. I know it's not much since we're strangers on the internet, but I'll be rooting for you. If you ever need someone to ramble to, I'm willing to listen. Even though I can't really offer anything helpful to say -^-

If I'm able to afford therapy then I'll go. I've been before, before i moved out, cause my parents paid for it. It's a trial and error process. The last one I was going to was always trying to lowkey convert me to christianity. Talking to people on the phone is nice though, like you said. And free.

Also- incredibly off topic, but i lovr your madoka icon.

 

[wantingdignity]

I feel this so much. I feel like I'm kind of paralyzed in it. Like I don't want to make too many promises in my life in case I end up killing myself. Why start a new project or reach out to people if it's all going to crash and burn in a bunch of pain? I'm trying to break out of that mindset, but I'm back in it at the moment.

Why do you want to run away? I have similar urges

 

[attackingvertical]

I feel this so much. I feel like I'm kind of paralyzed in it. Like I don't want to make too many promises in my life in case I end up killing myself. Why start a new project or reach out to people if it's all going to crash and burn in a bunch of pain? I'm trying to break out of that mindset, but I'm back in it at the moment.

Why do you want to run away? I have similar urges

Real. Keeping up with class is hard cause it's like: why bother? It is comforting to know there's other people feeling the same way.

I think I'm running from the expectations of myself and others. It's so anxiety inducing to be known by others. Ive considered dropping out of college to do trade school, but i don't want to disappoint my parents. I feel like i always need to be okay so they and my friends don't get worried. I do love and appreciate that people care, but its also hard for me to accept. I just want to never talk to anyone ever again. It'd be lonely but freeing.