Venting I both want to die and don't want to die so badly I'm scared.

[sulkygirl]

I'm so scared... My depression's back... I don't know what to do... I'm three weeks behind on college I'm going to fail so badly. What the actual fuck is wrong with me? I just lost my motivation to do anything. I haven't told anyone either. I've been an all-A's student all my life. I can't let them down now. I want to die so badly. I can't drive anymore. Every time I do I get the urge to swerve. I don't have any meds that I can die quickly and painlessly on. But I'm so fucking tired. And I haven't even done anything. I don't even deserve to be tired.
My ex-girlfriend would threaten to kill herself if I ever left her... And she kept blocking me to punish herself... And years later came back only to leave again and again. She blamed it on her alternate personalities. I just need someone to rely on... I miss her so badly. I think she broke me pretty badly.
I listen to erotic audios now. The one's where the listener gets violated by another woman. It scares me that this turns me on so much. I don't know if it's because of her. But it makes me feel a little more in control.
I've never been a religious woman but I'm praying. If only to pretend like there's someone out there to listen. To show me mercy in this chance I've fucked up

 

[blue-moon-miki]

I'm sorry, I've been there too. I was also a straight-A student before depression got the better of me. Grades aren't who you are as a person, you're much more than that. I know it can be hard to believe especially if they've been a big part of your identity, but it's true.... You deserve to be treated well and I'm sorry that your ex did that to you. I don't think it's wrong listening to that kind of stuff, either. We all have our ways of coping, and it's definitely a less harmful one as opposed to other stuff (no judgment to other stuff in any way, but harm reduction is a really great thing to focus on). Sending peace and love, you can pull through this

 

[RawRX3]

Failing a college course isn't the end, there's lot of ways to recover from that. But many colleges let you retake the course and will change the grade from what you had to what you get next time. Not much of a comfort but it gives hope that things can be mended later if you want them to be

It's okay to feel tired too, not that you deserve it but sometimes that's just how the body responds, especially to lots of stress for a long time. The thing with your ex really sucks, def not fair to you and sounds like really frustrating and difficult to work through

If you need some support and help working through college stuff or whatever else I don't mind trying my best to assist. Sometimes it's easier to work through hard things when you don't have to do it alone <3