Venting Update on my misery

[MrHyde]

So... Heh, guess I failed with "not living up to christmas" plan. I even managed to gaslight myself into believing life isn't so bad, that maybe there's something around the corner but... I was wrong, a happy story wasn't planned for someone like me. The worst part is that I got so broken that I don't have any fear anymore, I might as well choose something stupid and painful because I'm so full of apathy that I don't really care about anything anymore. My anger issues made me alone again, my personality made me alone again, again again and again. I'm living in an endless cycle of pain and anger. I'm just a funny addition to someones life for a couple of seconds just to get abandoned, to get cheated on and now I'm just... Laughing... Laughing on how pathetic I'm, how everytime I trust people so easily in hope that something will change. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? IT NEVER FUCKING ENDS, I was never meant to be, some sort of mistake, some sort of abomination that was never meant to be, an outcast, extra puzzle piece that fits nowhere. My life is nothing better than a vegetation except that a vegetating person in their bed usually receives care for others. I'm alone. Will always be. I don't care anymore, I just started doing stupid, dangerous stuff. Rolling a dice everytime to check if it will be my end because simple CTB is too boring for me. Let this message be manifest of my suffering, the manifest of what society created and how it broke me over and over again.

I don't know how long I'm gonna live, I will keep updating from my dark and empty room. Just me, bottle of whiskey and my beloved pills.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

@MrHyde I can relate. I feel like I was never destined for a happy life. I'm too bitter. I would never do anything terrible but people close to me have bore the brunt of some horrible words. I think I always knew I would end up alone-it was kinda a self-fulfilling prophecy to protect myself from pain. Although I do wonder how much of a good life I ever really could've had. I got ignored by practically everyone even as a kid. Hard not to be bitter really.

Sorry you have had similar experiences-you are not alone in this. I have no idea if you're being too hard on yourself but I know society can be extremely harsh. It doesn't take much to make some of us feel completely alone in the world. Posters tend to be a lot nicer on here as we know how vulnerable we all are. So feel free to post and I'm sure you'll get lots of support even if you're not getting it in the outside world.