Unmasking the facade

[sadgirl2002]

Ever since I wasn't able to go home back at the start of December... especially from mid-february until now, I've been putting on the facade making it look like I'm fine. Fake smiles and talking "normally". If I was home I wouldn't even be doing anything like that.

But since I'm at my aunt and uncle's house from February, I've been faking myself mainly because I was wanting to ctb. No one can suspect me. Plus I don't want to be sent to therapists or any bullshit. I couldn't even had the chance of killing myself at my other aunt's house where I stayed from December to mid-February. For the past two days I just couldn't be bothered to fake it. I'm tired of the facade. But now my aunt just spoke to me asking what happened to me and I lied saying I don't know why I'm feeling down. I don't even know if I should quickly get back and put my mask back on or just continue as I am now.

When I went to the therapist two weeks ago because he wanted to see how I've been doing since February, I put on such an act like I was fine. I was talking confidently and when we were discussing my life and everything that happened, it didn't seem to bother me. It's like I started believing my own facade.

I just wanna go home. I want to go back to August. Staying in bed all day and never leaving my room. Never having to talk to anyone. Being on my phone all day and listening to music and crying. Thinking about suicide with joy.

Fuck my life, I wanna ctb but stupid mind and feelings won't let me. I'm able to buy N I think, it'll be so easy for me to end it but this stupid heart is holding onto some hope and shit. Ugh I'm frustrated now, they all want me to get better but I don't want to. I deserve all the pain and suffering. I just need someone to kill me, that way I won't feel guilt of leaving him all alone even though I feel like he's fine without me... like always I assume the worst.

Why won't it just get easier?

 

[been_there]

You're in a very upsetting situation. Am sad to read about you hurting yourself over your strength of feeling for someone else. Other people will do what other people do, you cannot change that.

Its impressive that you are able to put up a facade at all. That in itself shows a lot of inner strength that many people don't have. Have you tried turning that facade to what YOU want or activities you like to do. Not masking for other people's benefit. Try to stop allowing other people sidelining you in your own life.

Please consider taking any help that is on offer. Therapy and meds can be helpful, look at the many posts here that advise how to be in charge of those processes.

If you're staying with others, that is difficult in itself. Maybe once you've identified what helps you, look to change that? You don't deserve pain and suffering, so find the music or activity or whatever that gives YOU some pleasure. You have to be thick skinned to rely on others as they tend to let you down.