Venting Feeling like an imposter...

[cupcakesandmilk]

A part of me wonders if I am even truly suicidal to begin with; after all, if I really wanted to off myself, I'd have done it already, right?

Now, I'm aware that's just a gross oversimplification of the topic; if someone sitting in front of me told me that I'd have definitely told them that their feelings were valid and all that, and it goes way beyond that, I fully understand that, but when it comes to myself, I often feel as though I'm merely faking all of it; heck, I sometimes feel as though I'm faking my entire damn life, lol.

Last month, I was on a bit of a high and even went to my CTB spot a couple of times just so that I could get a bit more comfortable. I decided that I would wait for the perfect moment around my birthday, but then I fell sick and was pretty much bedridden for a week. What did I use that time for? Well, to fucking research more about my method (train), and what did it bring me? All that time I spent getting more comfortable with my method went down the drain, and here I am back at square zero again. I don't think I can bring myself to lay my head on the tracks anymore; there's just something about seeing a failed attempt and then realising that it could very well be my own fate, even though the odds of it happening are really low.

I did aim for partial when my mum and dad went out for a few days last week, but God gave me a middle finger and I fell sick again, and a part of me didn't really want my sister to come back home to my hanging corpse...

All of this just makes me wonder if I'm even truly suicidal to begin with. If I had spent so much of my time contemplating my method, then surely I would've done it already or at least tried to, and being completely honest, all those times I was nearby the tracks, I never felt ready. I'd consider that tiny scratch on my wrist I put a few months ago as more of an attempt than all those times, lol.

Anyway, I'm not here to ask for validation or anything of that manner, and I'm sorry if it came off like that; this is just something I wanted to get off my chest for quite some time.

 

[LittleCupcake]

You've done your research and found a spot. your not faking it :)

 

[Coconteppi]

Sorry if it's off topic. But if you don't mind what made you decide on a more gruesome method of CTB? You mentioned you'd hope your sister not come back home to a hanging corpse. Do you hope that she will instead not have to see your body at all by making the method too gruesome for her to ever be allowed to see your body?

 

[cupcakesandmilk]

Sorry if it's off topic. But if you don't mind what made you decide on a more gruesome method of CTB? You mentioned you'd hope your sister not come back home to a hanging corpse. Do you hope that she will instead not have to see your body at all by making the method too gruesome for her to ever be allowed to see your body?

You see, my ideal method would either be SN or jumping. The only reason I've even been contemplating this method is because I have no other methods accessible to me; if I had SN, I'd have probably taken it on impulse months ago. And regarding the second part, I've kind of accepted that no matter what method I decide to go with, the sight of my body afterwards would be unpleasant, to say the least. With train CTB, there's a good chance that I'd already be in an ambulance or maybe covered by the time my family discovers my body, but it's not something that affects my choice of method...

 

[Coconteppi]

With train CTB, there's a good chance that I'd already be in an ambulance or maybe covered by the time my family discovers my body, but it's not something that affects my choice of method...

Thats understandable, preffered but not required.

 

[UKscotty]

Being suicidal is more in waves, depression comes and goes for me anyway.

We can also have different levels of being suicidal, it's not on or off. You can be suicidal and live a moderately normal life for example.

It is my firm belief that we can be suicidal but not ready to let go. Once we are ready, we will leave this world. Until that point something is keeping us here, hope, guilt or something else.

There are definitely frauds who are pro-death though, I don't know their agenda but they are subtle in telling people there is no hope and life is pointless etc.