Twitchy and peaceful at the same time

[pete_x]

So this is my favorite razor out of my collection


It's just about 3am, owls aren't chattering tonight
i love the night, i should've been a vampire [ugly and non sparkly]
except for my socks maybe
moodwise i'm somewhere between fuck a nazi and scrap a hippie
everyone deserves a lame fuck and a little irrationality
every once in a while, i think so
i just want to go, but i can't, that's a mantra right?

atm this site is keeping me alive
isn't it alanis ?

i climbed up to the lookout point one time at night during a blizzard
and found a katana sticking out of The Rock, it was mine but i don't remember leaving it there

sat for a few hours just thinking and saw the most amazing thing
lightning, bloody red lightning
precious rubies

i want to go, but i can't, not yet.

 

[Sadkitty]

Beware False Couplets !!!

that there jesus be a tasty snack
i keep some bits in an old rucksack

i cart him down to the bodega to flip some stamps
and curse his abs when i'm wracked and cramped

i see his sillouhette in stains and places
where fools doth rut with bloody chins and pious faces

father forgive me but that fabric is tight
perhaps i should linger and play for you tonight

but ding ding ding it's time for zeal with a side of unreal
but my that there jesus is a tasty meal !



This should be in this journal,

The ones that scared me.

When i was a kid about 9 or 10, my mothers poodle, an evil little beast, would regularly go under my bed and keep me awake making gross dog noises, and that damned collar. Finally i had enough and went after it. She was backed up against the wall and growling at me, and when i reached for her she bit me. I walked from my room down the hall to my parents door and knocked to wake up mom so she could get her dog. When she opened the door the dog was behind her looking at me.

I woke up from a nightmare once and had three long bloody scratches from the base of my scalp down to the middle of my shoulder blades. mom said i did it to myself but i always kept my nails short.The scratches stung for days.

Another wake up, i saw a tall thin elderly white man in sweater and slacks walk out of a wall and disappear on the other side of the small hall connecting my room and my brothers'. I got up to follow the man and when i turned the corner to look in the recess of the small hall, my mother votive candles had exploded and flames were crawling up the wall to the ceiling.

About ten years ago we had relations up from P.R. , my aunt and her husband [not my uncle just to be dickish about it]
it was the first time i had met the man, it was at the bottom of the stairs of the new house, when i looked him in the eye i realized he was going to die soon, i freak silently most of the time and as such proceeded to do so. About 2 days later he began to die in moms bed and did die by the time he got to the hospital, it was some kind of intenstinal thing.'

In the old house [kid again] i would lose hours sometimes when the secadas would start buzzing [chirping?]
The sun used to shine weird into the dining room and the light reflecting of the chandelier always moved wrong, i don't know how else to describe that one.

In the back yard of the old house i just knew the spot to dig and found tons of small ceramic dolls that belonged to the old woman who used to own the house.

In state hospital when i was taken my birthday walk with my shrink we sat down on a bench and i realized i knew what was in the building across the way and she confirmed it. That sounds a little thin but it's what came before that that explained the ease of acceptance she displayed. earlier that month i had been called into her office without explanaition, and when she asked if i knew why i had been called there, i said without hesitation, "My biological mother is dead." My shrink visibly freaked but kept her composure. When she asked if i knew how i said, "Heroin overdose." She looked at me for a bit and then asked how did i know. i said, "I just know, can i go now?"
It was this one that got me and got me thinking and listening more.

There are others but even diamonds loose their lustre.



I would like to come back as a 6'2" sentient cheeseburger with an impressive package, a cape and job security.

I really enjoyed reading this. It reminds me of an Andrew Wyeth painting.

 

[pete_x]

Thank you. Originally i wanted my family to find this but now i think it would just bring danger to the site.
before i leave i'm going to make sure to wipe all my drives and devices. I also like the interactivity of it.
It paints the full picture.

 

[pete_x]

this should be in this journal

1999 pastel charcoal sharpie cardboard panel burned

Good medicine.

 

[K-O]

My thought process is fractured and so i thought my note should reflect that. I't more an offering to the cosmos that to my family.

Is rage the ultimate emotion or the death of all emotion ?

! absolutely beautiful thread and art! music choices, poems.. just all of it.
(could also be a cheeky treat to listen to you play?)
thanks a lot for this.
cheers x

 

[pete_x]

! absolutely beautiful thread and art! music choices, poems.. just all of it.
(could also be a cheeky treat to listen to you play?)
thanks a lot for this.
cheers x

Thank you, e had mentioned site limitations concerning load/bandwith so i hesitated to put any cello vids here, i kind of started the other thread already in OT Cello Holler, if i ever pull my head out of my ass [sweet darkness] i'll hopefully put something else up. with the way things are in murica right now, i spend more time being vigilant. I've actually started re-learning classical guitar since i've been here so, if i put anything up in this thread it would be that.

Had to edit this post a bit due to unintentional cross out.


photo some burn emboss edge detection pastel and oil filters and slight increase in saturation; pre-brain event

 

[pete_x]

my cousin lies on his deathbed and i have nothing genuinely comforting to say. this bothers me.
the entry level stuff sure but, otherwise, i'm empty.

 

[pete_x]

I'm too hostile today, need to cool out, but the tremors feel right and good.
if i had sexy anime powers, i would be sitting at the center of a few square miles
of utter destruction. More of a bullet to the brain day. No grace, no art, no rhyme.
Just something brutal, definitive.

 

[pete_x]

okay, i don't know anything about this bit beyond "Gypsy Solo from Maritza"
It's my favorite practice thingee. =P I suppose one cello trip won't hurt.
View attachment videoplayback.mp4

 

[pete_x]

my life for you

i set down the chalice
and pick up a cigar

and head out to see
my inner dialogue pestering me

sounds like trying to be quiet
while getting out of a car
i don't walk far

as the lamps allow
i scan far and steady

remind my self of good and right
will i have to kill a fool tonight ?
am i ready ?

the yard the driveway
all is clear

the gate is closed
as i draw near

the night is cold
and i feel old

dissolute, violable

i stand at the gate
"...no.", i think
i question the stars of late
but they don't blink

they just stare, hard
it burns

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
artefact, what i remember

...a dismal vagrant
another fashion statement
on a soapbox

the silver plated skull
looking over your shoulder speaks
with more conviction than
you ever could But,

they are fine lines and mocha cream
her breasts, his thighs
oh my but,
wait !

distraction

an inquiry outside on
the meaning of misogyny

or was it frustration
or could it be a 'misunderstanding'
or was it or is it or could it be
wooooo dreaded sexuality
in a conversation/conversion in
the car on the way to the crack in
the doorlight reminiscent of
a cell

and [GASP!!!]
Blasphemy !!!!!

*We* must shield the masses from
people like you faggot
doesn't mean i'm limp-wristed
weak
or passive
Agression
retalliatioN

no vacancy for contemplation

"Oh the humanity.." or the ignorance
it all looks the same in the eyes
of a.....

distraction
tik,
distraction
tik,
distraction
tik...
distraction....

 

[pete_x]

------------------------------------------------------------------------
greene cafe

street ONE WAY
bum beat drum
beat bum street drum
beat nick beat nick
beat Nick he say
he go
ONE WAY
straight I AM damn
cuz i gotta getta gotta getta
gotta getta JOB MAN

glad I ain't black or tan,
you know
that shit don't fly in
the promised land

ahhh sweet utopia.......
---------------------------------------------------------------

 

[pete_x]

just cuz




----------------------------------------------------
so, mostly this is my case for
laid out
some things
i just won't talk about

i feel like i'm obligated
to make the other case
but no, maybe, probably not

----------------------------------------------------

 

[pete_x]

I'd like to thank everyone.
I'll be self banning, it's not time yet, I just want to do some clean up.

I feel my case is solid/sensible/responsible.

This site needs to be protected.

I wish you well on your journey
whichever way you choose.

 

[K-O]

pete i will miss you mate! thank you for everything you have shared here!
our lovely cello fellow

 

[K-O]

i miss you
hard to say goodbye
love you
peace

 

[Deleted member 23374]

So to minimize the mess i'm going to pick this thread back up since i apparently don't have good enough sense to drop dead already, probably gonna be a little more gnarly and nasty for a bit as my guts are twisted again.

I'm down to bouncing between 203 to 211 pounds. Increasingly i can't shit so, increasingly i go without eating.
My gut seems to be getting hard which is probably not smurfy. I might actually drop from "natural" causes. Should be a scream. So on that uplifting note, poetry drop !!!

I love this poem, i don't feel it anymore but it remains a beautiful thing.
Politically speaking, I'm aware of the irony. xD

People
Yevgeny Yevtushenko

No people are uninteresting.
Their fate is like the chronicle of planets.
Nothing in them is not particular,
and planet is dissimilar from planet.
And if a man lived in obscurity
making his friends in that obscurity
obscurity is not uninteresting.
To each his world is private,
and in that world one excellent minute.
And in that world one tragic minute.
These are private.
In any man who dies there dies with him
his first snow and kiss and fight.
It goes with him.
There are left books and bridges
and painted canvas and machinery.
Whose fate is to survive.
But what has gone is also not nothing:
by the rule of the game something has gone.
Not people die but worlds die in them.
Whom we knew as faulty, the earth's creatures
Of whom, essentially, what did we know?
Brother of a brother? Friend of friends?
Lover of lover?
We who knew our fathers
in everything, in nothing.
They perish. They cannot be brought back.
The secret worlds are not regenerated.
And every time again and again
I make my lament against destruction.

God, i need to have sex but i can't stand being touched by anyone anymore.
Dumb gripe but it's real. =(

 

[Deleted member 23374]

 

[Deleted member 23374]

 

[Deleted member 23374]

Working on a playlist.

 

[Deleted member 23374]

@K-O
Hey K, do you follow traditional music at all ? Israeli/Jewish tradition ?
I'm looking for music that moves and that i can handle. The classical stuff is getting on my nerves lately.

Stuff like this,

 

[K-O]

@K-O
Hey K, do you follow traditional music at all ? Israeli/Jewish tradition ?
I'm looking for music that moves and that i can handle. The classical stuff is getting on my nerves lately.

Stuff like this,

ill ask my sister she and her husband they are musicians, theyd probably have more interesting stuff to offer than me, ill get back to you that love x

 

[Deleted member 23374]

ill ask my sister she and her husband they are musicians, theyd probably have more interesting stuff to offer than me, ill get back to you that love x

Okay , thank you ! I can't read music but if i can find it on youtube or the like i can work with that.

 

[K-O]

Okay , thank you ! I can't read music but if i can find it on youtube or the like i can work with that.

actually ill just check with my old violin builder! hes da master !! (that would take more time though ill have to find his contact but i will promise)

 

[Deleted member 23374]

actually ill just check with my old violin builder! hes da master !! (that would take more time though ill have to find his contact but i will promise)

I'm greatful for any help you can give, thank you. I don't have any access to other musicians where i'm at.

 

[Deleted member 23374]

I took a shower today and i feel disgusting. YAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.... !!.. !,,,, !

OKAY, done shaking that off, ANYWAY,

THIS !!!!! =) Had this on loop for like an hour now.



Fascism is a human failing. Full stop.

I'm not sure where i'm going with that thought, it popped into my head.

 

[Deleted member 23374]

And THIS !!!!



I find myself in a klesmer mood from to time and it never occured to me to learn how to play, this stuff kicks ass.


okay so i'm a little manic, should be fun.
i like this one it moves through this deep cosmic intensity and then morphs into a kind of insouciant joy, wish the vid was longer. =/
Watching the kid hopping around is kind of bringing me down a little, thinking of what this world is and how it breaks so much and so many and i can't find the sense in it. I think Job told god to fuck off and the official line is a lie.
i know, i'm projecting, but, i'm fucking mad, i want a fucking answer that makes sense.

and by break i don't mean an obvious thing, talking about the deep sinister cuts that claw at me in my sleep, when i catch myself in a moment of peace, when something good and simple is happening and that ethereal hand reaches out and digs it meathooks into my neck and says kneel, suffer, your worth it. and i lost it.

 

[K-O]

right so taking a counter cultural leap towards our current times..
Balkan Beat Box (check out their channel)

Habiluim

HaBiluim

HaBiluim. Israel.

habiluim.bandcamp.com

 

[Deleted member 23374]

And and This this !!! !!! =P

 

[Deleted member 23374]

I just remembered this poem !!! With all the things that have been slipping away, this managed to stay. =)


"Still Life with Potatoes, Pearls, Raw Meat, Rhinestones, Lard, and Horse Hooves"
From Loose Womanby Sandra Cisneros


In Spanish it'snaturalezamuerta (natural death) and not life at all.
But certainly not natural. What's natural?
You and me. I'll buy you a drink.
To a woman who doesn't act like a woman.
To a man who doesn't act like a man.

Death is natural, at least in Spanish, I think.
Life? I'm not so sure.

Consider The Contessa, who in her time was lovely
and now sports a wart the size of this diamond.

So, ragazzo, you're Venice.
To you.To Venice.

Not the one of Casanova.
The other one of cheap pensiones by the railway station.

I recommend a narrow bed stained with semen, pee, and sorrow facing the wall.

Stain and decay are romantic.
You're positively Pasolini.
Likely to dangle and fandango yourself to death.

If we let you. I won't let you!

Not to be outdone I'm Piazzolla.
I'll tango for you in a lace G-string
stained with my first-day flow
and one sloppy tit leaping like a Niagara from my dress.

Did you say duress or dress?

Let's sing a Puccini duet–I like La Traviesa.

I'll be your trained monkey.
I'll be sequin and bangle.
I'll be Mae, Joan, Bette, Marlene for you–
I'll be anything you ask. But ask me something glamorous.

Only make me laugh.

Another?

What I want to say, querido (my darling), is
hunger is not romantic to the hungry.

What I want to say is
fear is not so thrilling if you're the one afraid.

What I want to say is
poverty's not quaint when it's your house you can't escape from.

Decay's not beautiful to the decayed.

What's beauty?

Lipstick on a penis.
A kiss on a running sore.
A reptile stiletto that could puncture a heart.
A brick through the windshield that means I love you.

A hurt that bangs on the door.
Look, I hate to break this to you, but this isn't Venice or Buenos Aires.

This is San Antonio.
That mirror isn't a yard sale.

It's a fire. And these are remnants
of what could be carried out and saved.

The pearls? I bought them at the Winn's.
My mink?Genuine acrylic.
Thank God this isn't Berlin.

Another drink?

Bartender, another bottle, but–
!Aycaray and oh dear!–
The pretty blond boy is no longer serving us.

To the death camps! To the death camps!

How rude! How vulgar!

Drink up, honey. I've got money.
Doesn't he know who we are?

Quevivan los de abajo de los de abajo (long live the lowest of the low),
los de riendasuelta (the unleashed), the witches, the women,
the dangerous, the queer.

Quevivanlasperras (cheer for the bitches).
"Que me sirvanotrotrago (that they may serve me another drink) . . ."

I know a bar where they'll buy us drinks
if I wear my skirt on my head and you come in wearing nothing
but my black brassiere.

 

[K-O]

What's beauty?
Lipstick on a penis.
A kiss on a running sore.
A reptile stiletto that could puncture a heart.
A brick through the windshield that means I love you.

morning