Venting [TW:SH] planning something stupid

[Gstreater]

Another trigger warning this is about very self destructive plans and possible Sexual assault.
To keep it simple I'm being dragged to a bar or club tomorrow. I'm going to get very drunk and let someone use me. I don't care about sex in fact I've never had sex with someone I wasn't in a relationship with. I just want to be used and broken so I feel something. I don't care about being taken advantage of or not being able to fight back. I don't even care whether it's a guy or girl.
I've been sexually assaulted when I was much younger by my brother so I do have some knowledge of what I'm doing to myself.

 

[Freebandzgang]

This is very harsh. Do you want this to happen to you or are you letting this happen to you? I hope you stay safe.

 

[Gstreater]

This is very harsh. Do you want this to happen to you or are you letting this happen to you? I hope you stay safe.

I want this to happen to me I've been feeling that I need more bad things to happen to me. I need something to get out of this awful head space I've been in and trying to be happy didn't work.

 

[Gstreater]

Another trigger warning this is about very self destructive plans and possible Sexual assault.
To keep it simple I'm being dragged to a bar or club tomorrow. I'm going to get very drunk and let someone use me. I don't care about sex in fact I've never had sex with someone I wasn't in a relationship with. I just want to be used and broken so I feel something. I don't care about being taken advantage of or not being able to fight back. I don't even care whether it's a guy or girl.
I've been sexually assaulted when I was much younger by my brother so I do have some knowledge of what I'm doing to myself.

An update is that I'm fine, I was hit on and was way too drunk to really care about what was done to me. The guy straddled me but respected that I couldn't really consent with how much I drunk. I couldn't make it home with how messed up I was so I just slept on a blanket on the floor. I may try again but most people are very nice so it's hard.

 

[FishRain3469]

Yikes, I'm glad you're okay! Thoughts and prayers to you in whatever may happen down the road. ♥

 

[dweams]

I'm sorry, but I'm going to be blunt and real with you. If you really didn't care about being taken advantage of, being able to defend yourself, or anything else, you wouldn't be posting any of this. You obviously want someone to talk you out of this destructive behavior. Stop lying to yourself. Ask for help.

 

[Gstreater]

I'm sorry, but I'm going to be blunt and real with you. If you really didn't care about being taken advantage of, being able to defend yourself, or anything else, you wouldn't be posting any of this. You obviously want someone to talk you out of this destructive behavior. Stop lying to yourself. Ask for help.

I get what you're saying but I do have very bad depressive episodes. I didn't want anyone to stop me I wanted something to happen to me to coincide with how bad I felt. It was me venting about knowing I was doing something stupid but feeling like I needed to do it in a twisted way.