GoingHome11:11
Member
- Nov 5, 2023
- 15
I've been planning to ctb for years now. I was going to do it NYE 2020 going into 2021, but my younger sister was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a couple of months before NYE and I couldn't do that to her or my mother at that time. I love them both deeply, so I had to hold on until my sister beat it. She finally did and is doing extremely well now, so my time has finally come.
All these years I was planning to jump from my 25th floor balcony, but since my ctb date is nearing, I'm realizing that I'm too scared of heights to do it this way. I've been going back and forth with the idea of other methods and I've narrowed it down to partial hanging or SN.
SN seems more reliable and less traumatic in my opinion, but it is SO HARD to find a legitimate source. I hate that I didn't discover this method until all of these regulations were put into place. It's extremely unfair that we can't decide what's best for ourselves. If I want to buy something to ctb on my own terms I should be able to do so without the gov't getting in the way of that. Like seriously, what's it to them? Why do they care so much? They certainly don't care about me while I've been struggling through this life, so why do they care now that I want to end it? It's maddening honestly. Everything that makes it easy for us gets taken away. I looked into helium at first, now the tanks aren't pure anymore. Then nitrogen and that's now hard to source. Finally SN and that's now hard to source as well. It's like they want us to ctb in the most brutal and/or painful ways possible.
I'm so ready to go, but I can't do it in any of the peaceful ways I want to. I feel so stuck here and it's causing me a crazy amount of stress. I may just have to go back to my original plan and just suck it up since it'll only take a few seconds, but I'd much rather go out peacefully rather than terrified. Since I believe in reincarnation, I feel that the mental state in which you leave this world will carry over to the next life and that worries me.
Anyway, I'm sorry, I know this is long, but I just really needed to vent and this is the only place I can do so. Out of everything messed up about the methods and whatnot, at least we all have this community that shares our same mindset and that brings me some comfort. This is literally the one good thing in the middle of all of this and I'm so grateful I found this place.
All these years I was planning to jump from my 25th floor balcony, but since my ctb date is nearing, I'm realizing that I'm too scared of heights to do it this way. I've been going back and forth with the idea of other methods and I've narrowed it down to partial hanging or SN.
SN seems more reliable and less traumatic in my opinion, but it is SO HARD to find a legitimate source. I hate that I didn't discover this method until all of these regulations were put into place. It's extremely unfair that we can't decide what's best for ourselves. If I want to buy something to ctb on my own terms I should be able to do so without the gov't getting in the way of that. Like seriously, what's it to them? Why do they care so much? They certainly don't care about me while I've been struggling through this life, so why do they care now that I want to end it? It's maddening honestly. Everything that makes it easy for us gets taken away. I looked into helium at first, now the tanks aren't pure anymore. Then nitrogen and that's now hard to source. Finally SN and that's now hard to source as well. It's like they want us to ctb in the most brutal and/or painful ways possible.
I'm so ready to go, but I can't do it in any of the peaceful ways I want to. I feel so stuck here and it's causing me a crazy amount of stress. I may just have to go back to my original plan and just suck it up since it'll only take a few seconds, but I'd much rather go out peacefully rather than terrified. Since I believe in reincarnation, I feel that the mental state in which you leave this world will carry over to the next life and that worries me.
Anyway, I'm sorry, I know this is long, but I just really needed to vent and this is the only place I can do so. Out of everything messed up about the methods and whatnot, at least we all have this community that shares our same mindset and that brings me some comfort. This is literally the one good thing in the middle of all of this and I'm so grateful I found this place.
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