Venting Trying to get better failed again. I lost everything

[Sammyweevil]

Hey so it's been awhile since I've posted here.
I ordered SN around the last time I was active here, and it got found by my family and I was sent to the mental hospital...
Since then I've spent the last few months trying to get better, getting put on new meds, getting therapy.
The more I talk to proffesionals the more mental illnesses they diagnose me with, and I have to think about. My mind is a mess and the rest of my life is going to suck because of it. I wish I wasn't mentally ill I wish I could just be normal.

Today I lost almost everything I have today, I lost my partner, I probably lost my best friends. I got put into a situation where no matter what I do I would be destroyed. My best friend was into me and wanted to start dating. But I already have a partner. And today everything just spiraled out of control the stress of not knowing what to do caused a mental health episode and they both understood while it was happening later both of them just left me... I feel alone and like I lost everything
I think I'm ready to give up again, I might order more SN.
I feel stupid I keep trying to get help and get better repeatedly and it always ends up back here. I keep going in this loop of thinking I can get better and that I shouldn't CTB but It just keeps proving that this is the best option for me.

I don't know really what to do anymore. I feel so like numb and I can't even feel a bit of joy tonight.
Thank you all for reading this!

 

[Le temps perdu]

hi, trying to get help is a brave thing to do, even if you feel like it hasn't helped you get better, you've still done your best. I can understand how hard it is to reach out for help and then feel like nothing has really improved. i hope your situation get better