Trying to find the right time (+vent)

[toyu]

I'm so done with everything, I've tried and tried, but nothing works. I'm ready to just get it over with, but there's always something stopping me. A holiday, a friend/family members birthday, always something. I don't want people to think about me after I die, but I know they will. I don't want to forever taint that day for them, but it feels impossible to find a good date.

Unrelated to the rest of the post, so feel free to skip, but I just don't know what to do. Im not sure if any of my friends like me at all, and I haven't made any friends at all since I was very young, so I think I may have just completely forgot how. Even on this forum the idea of actually trying to connect with anyone is terrifying. I don't even know why I'm here if I am so afraid.

One of my friends directly said to me "why would I want to be friends with someone who's just going to kill themselves" after we were talking about my (lack of) plans for the future, to which I reassured them that I wouldn't kill myself. This really fucked me up.
After that I guess I got scared and just decided that I'd go to college just to maybe have a chance of doing something with my life, and my friends wouldn't hate me, which is hard because I've spent essentially my entire life thinking "I won't live past x age", but then I did and I'd just move the goal post, so I never actually made any real plans for a future. I'm going to go for photography, but I don't even know if I like that or if I'm good at it. It's all just too much. I really can't anymore, I don't know how people manage to live, it's too much.

 

[Jadeith]

I haven't made any friends at all since I was very young, so I think I may have just completely forgot how.

My take on the subject might be a bit rash but given above (problem with finding right date), people are just a nuisance. You are good person, don't want to "shit" on anyone's important date or even near it and you got stuck, blocked by potential feelings of others.

One of my friends directly said to me "why would I want to be friends with someone who's just going to kill themselves"

That's not a friend, just a person you know. Yea, i know. My definition of a friend might be a little outdated but still

I've spent essentially my entire life thinking "I won't live past x age"

Ah, yes. Hopes and dreams. Wanted same thing, yet even that somewhat got fucked up for me. Oh well. And given contents of this forum we're not the only ones.

I'm going to go for photography, but I don't even know if I like that or if I'm good at it.

Well, you went for it so there must be something about it you feel you might like. As for being good at it - time will tell. After all you still got opportunity to hone your skills.

 

[toyu]

My take on the subject might be a bit rash but given above (problem with finding right date), people are just a nuisance. You are good person, don't want to "shit" on anyone's important date or even near it and you got stuck, blocked by potential feelings of others.

I don't really see them as a nuisance. Its not like they chose for me to kill myself.

That's not a friend, just a person you know. Yea, i know. My definition of a friend might be a little outdated but still

I think it was more to sort of convince me to not kill myself, but it didn't do much.

Well, you went for it so there must be something about it you feel you might like. As for being good at it - time will tell. After all you still got opportunity to hone your skills.

I suppose. Just depends on if I go through with it or not.

 

[Jadeith]

I don't really see them as a nuisance. Its not like they chose for me to kill myself.

Didn't do anything to improve your situation either. No support or pseudo support akin to slacktivism. Neglect is also a "crime" you know.... Especially in case of those who claim to be parts of loving family or "friends"

I think it was more to sort of convince me to not kill myself, but it didn't do much.

Yea, let's bully people into not killing themselves. About as brilliant as accusing this forum of being cause of suicides, not the effect of suicidal tendencies in people.
Not to mention the ego - "i won't love you if you are feeling so down that you might attempt". Like, what's your love is good for if you cant use it to support instead of blackmail.

I suppose. Just depends on if I go through with it or not.

You'll see. If you like it, you'll stick to it and you'll go through with it.
And i'm rooting for ya.

 

[toyu]

Didn't do anything to improve your situation either. No support or pseudo support akin to slacktivism. Neglect is also a "crime" you know.... Especially in case of those who claim to be parts of loving family or "friends"

Yea, let's bully people into not killing themselves. About as brilliant as accusing this forum of being cause of suicides, not the effect of suicidal tendencies in people.
Not to mention the ego - "i won't love you if you are feeling so down that you might attempt". Like, what's your love is good for if you cant use it to support instead of blackmail.

You'll see. If you like it, you'll stick to it and you'll go through with it.
And i'm rooting for ya.

I don't really know how I generally feel. I appreciate it, thank you.