truly alone

[annxietty]

Today I went to my therapist, left in high spirits for a change, was able to talk about many things i cant talk about cuz I have no one that listens... guess thats why I pay her huh. Came home, cleaned a bit, played with my baby nephew, thinking that maybe life is something you can do if you try, I even went to a cozy cafe fighting my agoraphobia to eat something there while I read a book... then lunch came and we sat down at the table to eat together, and my sister starts saying "i need to talk about something with you, I dont want us to fight and I need you to understand...." my smile drops and I say "yeah of course tell me" then she says "the deadline is the end of the year, by that time I need you to leave this house, we need our space and you have been here for almost 4 years, its enough"

Ive lost my mom two months ago, I have a part time job that doesnt give me near enough to live by myself, I have 0 idea how Im gonna manage to find a house, even a room is too expensive, and even if they help me find it I have no means to pay monthly, I need a job but finding one is near impossible, ive been trying... she said if im not out at the end of the year my dad will have to intervene, I talked to him and he said "i have enough problems already, you fucked up your life" and started listing all the mistakes ive done since I started living here.

I dont want to die but this shit really aint for me, my dad even went on to say im almost 30 and accomplished absolutely nothing and he is 100% right, all of them are, im living with a couple that have a family they deserve space, my dad has problems and i have no right to be making his life more difficult, i have no friends, no lover, my mom is dead, I dont know there is a strenght needed here that I dont have in me.

Thanks for reading.

 

[TheKingInBlack]

Today I went to my therapist, left in high spirits for a change, was able to talk about many things i cant talk about cuz I have no one that listens... guess thats why I pay her huh. Came home, cleaned a bit, played with my baby nephew, thinking that maybe life is something you can do if you try, I even went to a cozy cafe fighting my agoraphobia to eat something there while I read a book... then lunch came and we sat down at the table to eat together, and my sister starts saying "i need to talk about something with you, I dont want us to fight and I need you to understand...." my smile drops and I say "yeah of course tell me" then she says "the deadline is the end of the year, by that time I need you to leave this house, we need our space and you have been here for almost 4 years, its enough"

Ive lost my mom two months ago, I have a part time job that doesnt give me near enough to live by myself, I have 0 idea how Im gonna manage to find a house, even a room is too expensive, and even if they help me find it I have no means to pay monthly, I need a job but finding one is near impossible, ive been trying... she said if im not out at the end of the year my dad will have to intervene, I talked to him and he said "i have enough problems already, you fucked up your life" and started listing all the mistakes ive done since I started living here.

I dont want to die but this shit really aint for me, my dad even went on to say im almost 30 and accomplished absolutely nothing and he is 100% right, all of them are, im living with a couple that have a family they deserve space, my dad has problems and i have no right to be making his life more difficult, i have no friends, no lover, my mom is dead, I dont know there is a strenght needed here that I dont have in me.

Thanks for reading.

Im so sorry you're going through it right now. losing your mother is huge I cant imagine that kind of pain so I truly hope you fight through it. Finding a job these days is really rough especially depending on location, its a real struggle. You say you don't have strength in you but the fact that you came here and posted to tell us about it is a strength of its own. That you havent shut down and are looking for comfort or communication means you still have some fight in you, and that is impressive on its own considering what you're going through. You're stronger than you think.

 

[meddle]

im sorry that you are in this situation. but maybe you could rent a room?