kotonearisato
memento mori
- Feb 13, 2024
- 118
There's a part of me that really wants to push my husband and close friends and family away, so when I CTB they hopefully maybe won't take it to heart too badly. But there's also a part of me that desperately wants to keep them close, so I can selfishly enjoy the days leading up to it. I haven't picked a date, still finishing securing my method, but it's hard. Every time I start being awful to the people I love, I feel horrible. I hate hurting them. But I know they'd never be okay with just... letting me go. Of course, I'm too selfish to stick to anything. Last week I almost started divorce proceedings as the final nail in the coffin, and then chickened out once the office responded to me. The idea of spending my last days alone just makes me cry. I need out.
