one more surgery?

[wildflowers1996]

One of the main reasons I want to ctb is because of my body dysmorphic disorder.
I don't want to go to therapy - it doesn't help me at all.

I've had cosmetic surgery three times, and various non surgical procedures.
I desperately want one particular flaw "fixed". But I already had surgery for this and although it was an improvement, it wasn't enough.

I told myself the last surgery would be the last one, and if I wasn't happy, I'd ctb.
But there's a tiny part of me telling me to try one more time. To see if that flaw can actually be fixed. I know there's a 99% chance that I will be unhappy after another surgery though. It's just that medication/therapy do nothing for me. Even if I could fix this flaw, I'd move on to another one most likely. There's another flaw I really hate as well so I'd probably just start thinking about that again.

I hate going through surgery so much. Firstly because I cause my mum so much stress with it and I feel overwhelmed with guilt. I know that's not logical because I would hurt her by ctb but the selfish part of me tells me at least I wouldn't be around to see it :(
Secondly I feel so, so guilty about spending so much money on myself, that could be given to charity - and the money will almost certainly be wasted because I won't be happy.
Then there's all the physical pain and recovery and organisation and effort it takes and the horrible feeling when you look in the mirror afterwards and see you /still/ hate how you look.

It's just that I don't want to hurt my mum by ctb. So there's a part of me trying to tell me to try one more time with the surgery. But I'm almost certain it won't work.

I don't want to live with this disorder because it makes me hate myself so, so much; I'm so sick of obsessing and feeling ugly and dealing with the isolation it causes. I can't have a relationship because I isolate myself from everyone. I can't have irl friends. I can't do any of the things I'd like to have done with my life. Anything I enjoy/care about is off limits.

I just don't want to hurt my family. I so, so badly don't want to hurt them. I just don't know if I can live decades longer always feeling like this for their sake. I feel like a horrible selfish person.

 

[LunarLight]

I think it's all in your head, unfortunately. You can go through as much surgeries as you want, you won't be happy, because your brain keeps telling you you're ugly.
I'm not familiar with body dysmorphic disorder, but have you tried rTMS or ECT? It works for some people. I think you should focus on healing your brain rather than trying to change your body. If you've tried everything... then CTBing would be fully understandable. If it never gets better, if you suffer every single day, without any improvement whatsoever, then it's not worth keeping pushing on. But if there's a single chance to get better, maybe you should give it a go. Death is a definitive sentence and we have one life only. So make sure you tried everything before making such a decision.
I hope you find peace whatever you decide to do.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

One of the main reasons I want to ctb is because of my body dysmorphic disorder.
I don't want to go to therapy - it doesn't help me at all.

I've had cosmetic surgery three times, and various non surgical procedures.
I desperately want one particular flaw "fixed". But I already had surgery for this and although it was an improvement, it wasn't enough.

I told myself the last surgery would be the last one, and if I wasn't happy, I'd ctb.
But there's a tiny part of me telling me to try one more time. To see if that flaw can actually be fixed. I know there's a 99% chance that I will be unhappy after another surgery though. It's just that medication/therapy do nothing for me. Even if I could fix this flaw, I'd move on to another one most likely. There's another flaw I really hate as well so I'd probably just start thinking about that again.

I hate going through surgery so much. Firstly because I cause my mum so much stress with it and I feel overwhelmed with guilt. I know that's not logical because I would hurt her by ctb but the selfish part of me tells me at least I wouldn't be around to see it :(
Secondly I feel so, so guilty about spending so much money on myself, that could be given to charity - and the money will almost certainly be wasted because I won't be happy.
Then there's all the physical pain and recovery and organisation and effort it takes and the horrible feeling when you look in the mirror afterwards and see you /still/ hate how you look.

It's just that I don't want to hurt my mum by ctb. So there's a part of me trying to tell me to try one more time with the surgery. But I'm almost certain it won't work.

I don't want to live with this disorder because it makes me hate myself so, so much; I'm so sick of obsessing and feeling ugly and dealing with the isolation it causes. I can't have a relationship because I isolate myself from everyone. I can't have irl friends. I can't do any of the things I'd like to have done with my life. Anything I enjoy/care about is off limits.

I just don't want to hurt my family. I so, so badly don't want to hurt them. I just don't know if I can live decades longer always feeling like this for their sake. I feel like a horrible selfish person.

How are you getting the money for these surgeries? Aren't they really expensive? Any sight of a hospital/cosmetic place after cancer puts me off them like the plague.

No, don't worry about charity. All human charities are shit and corrupt (explained this in another thread) so don't worry. Just spend it on yourself. If it's for animals ok I get it but just do it for yourself.

People will make you feel worse and more isolated. It doesn't really work that way. The only exception is animals because 1: they don't bail on you 2: put you through mental torture and 3: they actually like and enjoy your presence.

Try spending it on some bird food and going outside. It's gotten so weird that I can hear different bird pitches (different emotions/wants) and I can't do that for people.

 

[wildflowers1996]

I think it's all in your head, unfortunately. You can go through as much surgeries as you want, you won't be happy, because your brain keeps telling you you're ugly.
I'm not familiar with body dysmorphic disorder, but have you tried rTMS or ECT? It works for some people. I think you should focus on healing your brain rather than trying to change your body. If you've tried everything... then CTBing would be fully understandable. If it never gets better, if you suffer every single day, without any improvement whatsoever, then it's not worth keeping pushing on. But if there's a single chance to get better, maybe you should give it a go. Death is a definitive sentence and we have one life only. So make sure you tried everything before making such a decision.
I hope you find peace whatever you decide to do.

Thank you so much. I did request rTMS but I was told by the CMHT they don't offer it. I've mentioned ECT before as well and they don't seem to think it's appropriate for BDD. :(

How are you getting the money for these surgeries? Aren't they really expensive? Any sight of a hospital/cosmetic place after cancer puts me off them like the plague.

No, don't worry about charity. All human charities are shit and corrupt (explained this in another thread) so don't worry. Just spend it on yourself. If it's for animals ok I get it but just do it for yourself.

People will make you feel worse and more isolated. It doesn't really work that way. The only exception is animals because 1: they don't bail on you 2: put you through mental torture and 3: they actually like and enjoy your presence.

Try spending it on some bird food and going outside. It's gotten so weird that I can hear different bird pitches (different emotions/wants) and I can't do that for people.

Thank you... yes, they are expensive :( I was left some money by my grandparents and that's how I've paid for them.

 

[LunarLight]

Thank you so much. I did request rTMS but I was told by the CMHT they don't offer it. I've mentioned ECT before as well and they don't seem to think it's appropriate for BDD. :(

Thank you... yes, they are expensive :( I was left some money by my grandparents and that's how I've paid for them.

Shit. Have you tried private clinics for rTMS? I don't know where you live and how expensive it would be for you, it depends on the healthcare system.

 

[wildflowers1996]

Shit. Have you tried private clinics for rTMS? I don't know where you live and how expensive it would be for you, it depends on the healthcare system.

I possibly could but it would probably be very expensive and I'd feel guilty spending even more money on myself for something I doubt will work :( I'm not sure there's much evidence of rTMS working for BDD. :(

 

[LunarLight]

I possibly could but it would probably be very expensive and I'd feel guilty spending even more money on myself for something I doubt will work :( I'm not sure there's much evidence of rTMS working for BDD. :(

Well, it's such a shame this disorder isn't studied further. And you're not gonna wait eternally for the researchers to find a solution. I understand.
Have you thought of a method to CTB?

 

[sussshiroll]

I have BDD myself, Just ignore the mirrors or phone or your pictures and listen to what others say about your looks, Cause the brain is disorting your looks and no surgery will help, Surgeons are not gonna say anything cause they want your money obviously.
Try to ignore what your brain shows you is the best therapy.

 

[wildflowers1996]

I have BDD myself, Just ignore the mirrors or phone or your pictures and listen to what others say about your looks, Cause the brain is disorting your looks and no surgery will help, Surgeons are not gonna say anything cause they want your money obviously.
Try to ignore what your brain shows you is the best therapy.

I'm so sorry you suffer with this too. I feel like the flaws are there because they've been noticed by other people before, but I probably obsess way more than most people would. I don't know if my brain also exaggerates the flaw and I'm actually seeing something different to other people - I feel it's more likely I see the same thing as them; I just obsess more :(

Well, it's such a shame this disorder isn't studied further. And you're not gonna wait eternally for the researchers to find a solution. I understand.
Have you thought of a method to CTB?

Thank you :( I think probably SN. I wish I could fly to Peru with someone to get N though. It's just I don't know how I would be able to do that without my family being suspicious since I live with them. I'm really scared of SN though. I already have bad anxiety so I feel like I'd be terrified after taking it and having palpitations. But no other method seems feasible for me :(

 

[Helvete]

If you really think surgery is the route you wanna take, then just know that you are 100% worth it, and your happiness is more valuable than some stupid money. I agree with the previous replies though, in that the disorder itself will likely never allow you to be fully happy with the way you look. I would recommend other methods like finding a group of people going through the same thing, or some BDD support groups because those people would surely be able to assist you better and continuously remind you that you are perfect the way you are :)

 

[dkrw]

Hi! Would you like to talk?
I am also in pain due to plastic surgery
Honestly it has ruined my life
I should have stopped a long time ago but just kept getting procedure after procedure and now I have nothing left
I really ruined my face and keep thinking about getting more things done
I don't see an end to this
which makes me want ctb so badly
I am so scared of aging too