Dani Paradox

Dani Paradox

Permanently Banned
Aug 17, 2018
981
They give you benzos right? Thats what keeps you stable. Then you come out of a hospital expected to function. Its like throwing a 5 year old kid into the wild.
Not around here they don't. They refuse. Over and over, they refuse. They say the system cracked down on prescribing it because too many people abuse it. I was on benzos for years and it helped with my anxiety and insomnia, and then all of a sudden they took it away from me.
 
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Limbo

Experienced
Oct 8, 2018
281
Not around here they don't. They refuse. Over and over, they refuse. They say the system cracked down on prescribing it because too many people abuse it. I was on benzos for years and it helped with my anxiety and insomnia, and then all of a sudden they took it away from me.

not even while youre in hospital?
 
Dani Paradox

Dani Paradox

Permanently Banned
Aug 17, 2018
981
not even while youre in hospital?
In the hospital they give you lorazepam to aid in alcohol detox, or in extreme cases of panic attacks. But they say it's only used professionally in cases of emergencies, and that they don't give prescriptions. If I could just have a prescription for lorazepam then I wouldn't need the fucking alcohol. It's ridiculous.
 
L

Limbo

Experienced
Oct 8, 2018
281
In the hospital they give you lorazepam to aid in alcohol detox, or in extreme cases of panic attacks. But they say it's only used professionally in cases of emergencies, and that they don't give prescriptions. If I could just have a prescription for lorazepam then I wouldn't need the fucking alcohol. It's ridiculous.

I agree with them not prescribing it tbh. When I got prescribed valium I ended up combining it with alcohol. It ended up deleting about 4 months from my life.
 
Dani Paradox

Dani Paradox

Permanently Banned
Aug 17, 2018
981
Right, I don't love myself enough, and it doesn't help if someone else loves me either. Maybe if it was a billionaire who loved me enough to adopt me lol!
:( It doesn't help if someone else loves you??
 
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Final Escape

I’ve been here too long
Jul 8, 2018
4,348
:( It doesn't help if someone else loves you??

Apparently not because there's people who seem to care about me but it doesn't help because there's a resistance inside me to make difficult changes. Love doesn't pay the bills, it doesn't make u useful, it doesn't help u stay on track, it doesn't fix a broken person. Everyone expects u to be fully independent and I'am unable to manage this. This makes u unattractive to people because u can become a burden very quick.
 
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Dani Paradox

Dani Paradox

Permanently Banned
Aug 17, 2018
981
Apparently not because there's people who seem to care about me but it doesn't help because there's a resistance inside me to make difficult changes. Love doesn't pay the bills, it doesn't make u useful, it doesn't help u stay on track, it doesn't fix a broken person.
Well I disagree with the last part. But yeah, love can only do so much... Love and a few bucks will get you on a bus. (pun intended)
 
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Dani Paradox

Dani Paradox

Permanently Banned
Aug 17, 2018
981
If you cant control your alcohol intake, you wont be able to control your benzo intake. Unless someone else is watching your benzos or something.
I was on benzos for 6 years and never had an issue. I became an alcoholic by choice. Even mixed them with alcohol here and there and still never had an issue. I should have kept my drinking to myself. Maybe I'd still have my prescription.
 
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Lena

Experienced
Sep 26, 2018
280
It's like a creepy sci-fi movie. I've lived two lives. I switched identities. I'm no longer who I am, and it's been this way for many years. Feeling like my old self again is like going back in time....it's like a punch in the face. First it's all warm and fuzzy, and then once it's over it's like someone stuck a knife in my gut and twisted it around. No one listens or understands. They all act like it's no big deal. Like I'm overreacting. Just like how they acted it was no big deal when this all began. It's an indescribable feeling. I just want to be me again, and it will never happen. How could anyone possibly act like having a mutilated body and a destroyed identity is no big deal?
How is your body mutilated? :/
 
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Final Escape

I’ve been here too long
Jul 8, 2018
4,348
I was on benzos for 6 years and never had an issue. I became an alcoholic by choice. Even mixed them with alcohol here and there and still never had an issue. I should have kept my drinking to myself. Maybe I'd still have my prescription.
Its interesting how not everybody gets dependent or has addiction to all substances. I never had a huge problem coming off benzos either. There was some withdrawal but nothing compared to what I've heard from other people. It did take time to wean off though. I couldn't cold turkey. Stimulants were incredibly difficult to give up but not very hard to come off of. It's the relapse risk that is high in the early months.
 
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Dani Paradox

Dani Paradox

Permanently Banned
Aug 17, 2018
981
How is your body mutilated? :/
I had all plastic surgery on my face, so what was once a good looking guy face is now a pretty little girl face. It dramatically changes the way people perceive and treat you. And I had all my facial hair removed, which will never grow back. And my fucking dick is gone. And to top it off I've got this embarrassing lower back tattoo. What were once very muscular arms are now down to practically nothing. What was once a decent chest is now little teeny tiny titties. And my fucking dick is gone. I'm not living like this. I can't and I won't. I can't ever have sex again. I can't have children. I'll never have a girlfriend again. I'd be lucky enough to even get a date. I'll never have a family of my own. I'm like this tough guy bad boy but everyone just sees a girl. Until I start talking to them for long enough and then it's a hit or miss. I blow people's minds. I drop jaws. Some get all freaked out. Others think I'm the shit. Some girls aren't into me. Others totally dig me and want my dick. Except it's gone. Fuck this shit.
 
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BlackDragonof1989

BlackDragonof1989

Mage
Jul 12, 2018
526
Aw Dani I never really knew you but I'm gonna miss you, my mother adored Jim Morrison maybe I mentioned that before but I really always liked him too <3 I wonder if he ever tried DXM, well, he had access to the good stuff, but I just wish he found some peace and you too <3 <3 <3 And Pamela <3
 
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Dani Paradox

Dani Paradox

Permanently Banned
Aug 17, 2018
981
Its interesting how not everybody gets dependent or has addiction to all substances. I never had a huge problem coming off benzos either. There was some withdrawal but nothing compared to what I've heard from other people. It did take time to wean off though. I couldn't cold turkey. Stimulants were incredibly difficult to give up but not very hard to come off of. It's the relapse risk that is high in the early months.
It is interesting. I actually never took the benzos every day, so I wouldn't know. I never even had a desire to. But I did go on a huge poppy tea binge and was all doped up for weeks...had no problem coming off that. Just a little withdrawal. I think it all depends on how much you like the substance. I've never really had addiction trouble with anything, tbh. Aside from cigarettes. Amphetamine....same thing. I can go on huge binges and then just stop no problem. It's just after all this shit happened I needed something, and I willingly chose alcohol around the clock. I don't think I'm a real alcoholic. As far as I'm concerned, it's not a disease, it's a choice.
 
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Limbo

Experienced
Oct 8, 2018
281
I was on benzos for 6 years and never had an issue. I became an alcoholic by choice. Even mixed them with alcohol here and there and still never had an issue. I should have kept my drinking to myself. Maybe I'd still have my prescription.

Fair enough.
 
Dani Paradox

Dani Paradox

Permanently Banned
Aug 17, 2018
981
Aw Dani I never really knew you but I'm gonna miss you, my mother adored Jim Morrison maybe I mentioned that before but I really always liked him too <3 I wonder if he ever tried DXM, well, he had access to the good stuff, but I just wish he found some peace and you too <3 <3 <3 And Pamela <3
I did so much DXM back in the day. I'll never forget when I accidently had too much and went past the 4th plateau. I couldn't even walk and was going into these crazy ass waking dreams that felt so real. It was wild. I can't even smell that stuff now without gagging, I did it so much. Good times, though. Thank you, I hope you find whatever it is you are looking for :) <3
 
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Hanging on

Member
Sep 26, 2018
41
I'm the same way. It sucks because I know the exact root of the problem, and if I were able to get to the bottom of it then I could stop drinking heavily, and go back to drinking like a normal person. It would all fall into place, like a puzzle. But there are missing puzzle pieces. And they won't even prescribe me the medication that I need to keep me in tact. So they are basically forcing me to drink and smoke myself to death.
England would detox you but I nee
I had all plastic surgery on my face, so what was once a good looking guy face is now a pretty little girl face. It dramatically changes the way people perceive and treat you. And I had all my facial hair removed, which will never grow back. And my fucking dick is gone. And to top it off I've got this embarrassing lower back tattoo. What were once very muscular arms are now down to practically nothing. What was once a decent chest is now little teeny tiny titties. And my fucking dick is gone. I'm not living like this. I can't and I won't. I can't ever have sex again. I can't have children. I'll never have a girlfriend again. I'd be lucky enough to even get a date. I'll never have a family of my own. I'm like this tough guy bad boy but everyone just sees a girl. Until I start talking to them for long enough and then it's a hit or miss. I blow people's minds. I drop jaws. Some get all freaked out. Others think I'm the shit. Some girls aren't into me. Others totally dig me and want my dick. Except it's gone. Fuck this shit.[/QUOTE I bloody don't blame you pal! Shit , take care ❤️
 
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Lena

Experienced
Sep 26, 2018
280
I had all plastic surgery on my face, so what was once a good looking guy face is now a pretty little girl face. It dramatically changes the way people perceive and treat you. And I had all my facial hair removed, which will never grow back. And my fucking dick is gone. And to top it off I've got this embarrassing lower back tattoo. What were once very muscular arms are now down to practically nothing. What was once a decent chest is now little teeny tiny titties. And my fucking dick is gone. I'm not living like this. I can't and I won't. I can't ever have sex again. I can't have children. I'll never have a girlfriend again. I'd be lucky enough to even get a date. I'll never have a family of my own. I'm like this tough guy bad boy but everyone just sees a girl. Until I start talking to them for long enough and then it's a hit or miss. I blow people's minds. I drop jaws. Some get all freaked out. Others think I'm the shit. Some girls aren't into me. Others totally dig me and want my dick. Except it's gone. Fuck this shit.
I'm so sorry. So you transitioned to become female and now you regret it?
 
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F

Final Escape

I’ve been here too long
Jul 8, 2018
4,348
I had all plastic surgery on my face, so what was once a good looking guy face is now a pretty little girl face. It dramatically changes the way people perceive and treat you. And I had all my facial hair removed, which will never grow back. And my fucking dick is gone. And to top it off I've got this embarrassing lower back tattoo. What were once very muscular arms are now down to practically nothing. What was once a decent chest is now little teeny tiny titties. And my fucking dick is gone. I'm not living like this. I can't and I won't. I can't ever have sex again. I can't have children. I'll never have a girlfriend again. I'd be lucky enough to even get a date. I'll never have a family of my own. I'm like this tough guy bad boy but everyone just sees a girl. Until I start talking to them for long enough and then it's a hit or miss. I blow people's minds. I drop jaws. Some get all freaked out. Others think I'm the shit. Some girls aren't into me. Others totally dig me and want my dick. Except it's gone. Fuck this shit.
Omg! I don't know your full story but that is rough. What made you decide on a sex change just wondering? Obviously you had a conflict about your gender. I get this because I resented being a girl and woman which maybe did have something to do with aborting my would be kids. I hated the idea of having to be the one who has to carry the pregnancy and be vulnerable in this way. I never altered my body or dress to look more masculine but I remember hating my gender.
 
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BlackDragonof1989

BlackDragonof1989

Mage
Jul 12, 2018
526
I did so much DXM back in the day. I'll never forget when I accidently had too much and went past the 4th plateau. I couldn't even walk and was going into these crazy ass waking dreams that felt so real. It was wild. I can't even smell that stuff now without gagging, I did it so much. Good times, though. Thank you, I hope you find whatever it is you are looking for :) <3
Awuhrr yeah it's a nice escape I've never braved that plateau, I've been using 120 mg doses as needed for my depression and anger and it helps, but the most I took was 300 mg but with diphenhydramine it was bad >< But without it oh yeah, those first few times were amazing, I was like, "This is legal OTC? And if it seems this good what about the good stuff," but alas everyone says it doesn't last forever, and I imagine it lost the magic for you long ago so it's only a matter of time for me awuhrr *looks down*

Oh thank you, I'm just looking for eternal peace and love and to transcend my bad aspects, all the cliche stuff *giggles* Oh forgive my rambling it's the drugs xD

Oh Dani *hugs you warmly and sighs* I can only imagine what you've faced, I can only imagine...
 
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Fallen bad23

Fallen bad23

Student
Oct 19, 2018
105
Dani I really hope that you find peace. I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of that
 
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Final Escape

I’ve been here too long
Jul 8, 2018
4,348
I had all plastic surgery on my face, so what was once a good looking guy face is now a pretty little girl face. It dramatically changes the way people perceive and treat you. And I had all my facial hair removed, which will never grow back. And my fucking dick is gone. And to top it off I've got this embarrassing lower back tattoo. What were once very muscular arms are now down to practically nothing. What was once a decent chest is now little teeny tiny titties. And my fucking dick is gone. I'm not living like this. I can't and I won't. I can't ever have sex again. I can't have children. I'll never have a girlfriend again. I'd be lucky enough to even get a date. I'll never have a family of my own. I'm like this tough guy bad boy but everyone just sees a girl. Until I start talking to them for long enough and then it's a hit or miss. I blow people's minds. I drop jaws. Some get all freaked out. Others think I'm the shit. Some girls aren't into me. Others totally dig me and want my dick. Except it's gone. Fuck this shit.
I got breast implants which I regret tremendously, and now if one bursts I can't afford to fix lol! That would be catastrophic right now bc I'm a sex worker to support myself. They are the salt water ones so not deadly if one ruptures but will be embarrassing walking around with one implant and one deflated boob.
 
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Final Escape

I’ve been here too long
Jul 8, 2018
4,348
Dani I really hope that you find peace. I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of that
I wish there was something I could say where you could do something to make something good come out of this mistake. That really is the only way u can move on from something like this. Same for me, I would have to get out of sex work and then help other women out of it to try to give meaning to my life. Like help discourage youth from making same mistake. Make YouTube vids telling story.
 
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Dani Paradox

Dani Paradox

Permanently Banned
Aug 17, 2018
981
I'm so sorry. So you transitioned to become female and now you regret it?
Basically. This started right after high school. Right after I graduated, and I dealt with the whole "This is the first day of the rest of my life. Who am I? Where am I going?" And now exactly 7 years later, here I am, traumatized and about to ctb. And it was all for naught.
 
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Dani Paradox

Dani Paradox

Permanently Banned
Aug 17, 2018
981
Omg! I don't know your full story but that is rough. What made you decide on a sex change just wondering? Obviously you had a conflict about your gender. I get this because I resented being a girl and woman which maybe did have something to do with aborting my would be kids. I hated the idea of having to be the one who has to carry the pregnancy and be vulnerable in this way. I never altered my body or dress to look more masculine but I remember hating my gender.
Jeez. Can't you still decide to have kids though. I'm sorry that happened to you :( I do understand. I think we're on the same page. It was basically the same thing. To put quite simply, "toxic masculinity." I was a bad boy with a sweet side who felt unable to express it because it threatened my masculinity. Plus I wanted long hair, heels and makeup. I liked "girl clothes." I felt like I couldn't be myself. I felt "trapped in the wrong body." Then the doctors told me that I was, and I thought I had a medical condition, so I listened and taught myself how to be a girl. They basically just drove me into confusion, and then into oblivion.
 
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