Today's the day, guys

[MachineGunDani]

I'm having a drink with u

 

[Dani Paradox]

It definitely takes around exactly 60 minutes to burn this charcoal. Just in case anyone decides to go this route. I was thinking 45, because if you wait 60 a lot of it will burn to ash. But if you wait 45 they will still be producing smoke...…...and this terrible smell. You need to wait 60 minutes. The chimney starter burns from the bottom up. So when you fill it to the top, it's gonna drop down about halfway and leave a bunch of ash at the bottom. Just let it go. The charcoal has to be perfect. There shouldn't be any smell or smoke.

 

[MachineGunDani]

R u drunk yet?

 

[Dani Paradox]

R u drunk yet?

I am beginning to get pretty trashed lol. I wanted to wait until I actually lit all the charcoal so that I didn't get burned or anything.

 

[MachineGunDani]

Lol just don't set the shed on fire

 

[onewayroad]

You are a far more senior member of these forums than me, so I'm sure you know no one will judge you if you decide you want to change the plan to a different method, time or location. We'd all be glad to have you around a little longer but I think we all also understand the need to leave.

So either way, I hope things go well and wish you relief from your suffering.

 

[Made4TV]

Thinking of you and hoping for peace whatever you do.

 

[Dani Paradox]

Okay... I'm fucked. My dad has just really been on my ass. I went from Plan A to Plan B, and then rolled the dice with Plan C. I'm fucked. I tried so hard to avoid this. I have no choice but to take down my tent and hide it in my room somewhere. Charcoal only releases CO for 5-12 hours. A minimum of 5. I can't risk fucking up going in the tent now. After I did all that... I'm pissed. My father has been fucking everything up. Tomorrow he is taking the day out of work and taking me to the psych ward for alcohol detox and to talk to the doctors and whatnot (FUCK THESE DOCTORS I'M SICK OF THEIR SHIT!!) So I just wanted to let you guys know, and so that you didn't think I was dead. NoLifeNoPain used to do shit like this and disappear for a week or two and everyone always thought he ctb. I just want to let everyone know I haven't yet. Believe me, this is going to happen. I have the method perfected now. I went through the process twice. I know exactly how to do it. And it is a very peaceful final exit. I have just been running into issues with my father.. And like someone here said...I think it was @RedStar..."patience is a virtue." I just have to wait. I have no choice now.. I'm out of money and charcoal and liquor....I have no idea what I'm gonna do. But Dani Paradox is checking out for a little bit. Take care everyone, I love you.

 

[Sayo]

You can get through it Dani. I know the doctors are basically cops and it will be hell detoxing. You know how to do this now if it comes to it though so you have something safe within you. I'm sorry about everything.

 

[Clover_]

You can get through this, Dani. You've been there before. Hope you can be at peace soon.

 

[Petra3456]

Whishing you the best for now, sorry your plan did not worked out.

 

[Dani Paradox]

Just an update for anyone interested in the CO method. These coals are actually still burning. It's been over 13 hours since the last batch of charcoal went in. The bucket is hot, and I shook it, and there's a bunch of hot charcoal. I thought this was useful information in case anyone wanted to do this.

 

[Dani Paradox]

But, I didn't plan for this, so I'm kind of freaking out right now. I was supposed to be dead already. Plan A, Plan B......and then Plan C was rolling the dice. Well.....now I'm fucked. My father is still sleeping and I'm trying to clean up outside. He could wake up at any minute and catch me. I'm airing out the tent and shed. It should be cleaned up in time. But he's definitely going to notice all the water on the ground. I have no choice but to spray it with the hose. All the ash from the charcoal. I didn't even notice before because I was doing it at night.....but the chimney starter literally left a burn mark on the pavement. I'm unable to clean the ash either. I have to spray it. I doubt it will dry in time. He's going to wonder why it's all wet.

 

[Dani Paradox]

I did it!!! That was a project. Now it's a matter of time until he wakes up and takes me to the hospital at some point. Fuck these doctors... The hospitals... They don't even listen to you talk. It's extremely difficult to get healthcare. I've tried to get help. They basically tell me to screw. Well....I'm going back again. I'll be back here in a week or so. And then...….well, I've perfected my method......gotta find a way to pull it off. I'm dead-set on it, lol.

 

[s_girl]

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles Dani. Maybe try to have an open mind and see if there's anything the hospital / doctors can do to help. Probably not but we can always dream... When it gets hard just remember your trial runs and take comfort in the fact that it'll still be there, if and when you need to use it. Hang in there Dani. I wish you luck.

 

[Anyara]

Good luck Dani, I know from experience alcohol detox is awful, so if there is anything i can do for you let me know! So the time till you can finally go through with your plan won't be as hard maybe.
No obligations offcourse, just know the offer is there

 

[Dani Paradox]

Sometimes, love is not enough...I don't know why. We were born to die.

 

[Dani Paradox]

Good luck Dani, I know from experience alcohol detox is awful, so if there is anything i can do for you let me know! So the time till you can finally go through with your plan won't be as hard maybe.
No obligations offcourse, just know the offer is there

<3 <3 <3

 

[Dani Paradox]

I'm back. That was yet another interesting story. Absolutely nothing like last time, but similar. I made some friends and met a girl. Got back in tune with that it felt like to have my old life back. Felt like the old me again. Dealt with similar shit from the doctors and nurses (but handled it much better because I was prepared for it. I left one hell of a lasting impression, but still left without any medication. One of the nurses even remembered me from last time. When I was being discharged and dealing with the other nurses at the desk, something reminded her of me. She was like "Hey...what's your name?" And I was like "Dani." And she was like "36?" (room 36). And I was like "No, I think it was 29." And she just chuckled. I thought of it after... I'll bet it was the same nurse from last time when that girl Salena was being discharged shortly before me. And she started rushing down the hall to Room 36, and the nurse was following her saying "Where are you going??" and she was like "I have to say bye to Dani!!" And I came rushing out of the room and gave her this big hug just in case I would never see her again. I'm glad I did, because I probably won't. She would have stopped talking to me anyway. My dick is gone. See but this is my point. I can't take any of this shit anymore. Both that time....and this time....I left this hospital having panic attacks and I can't stop crying. Dani has had it. I'm done.

And now once again, same as last time...I'm all out of money for alcohol. I wish I hadn't blown all that money on a drinking binge. I should have been dead already. Now it's the same fights with my dad. I don't have money for charcoal either. And I don't know how I feel about this shed.

I'm going to try and figure it out again, but I have nowhere else to do this. It has to happen in the shed. I don't know what else to do. But I cannot scream and cry any longer. I can't take this any longer. I. Will. Not Fail. I have to get my shit and wait until the time is right. I'm thinking to wait until my dad closes the pool, which will be very soon. Then he'll have no reason to even go in the shed in the first place. And it's getting so cold that he won't bother going outside for anything.

 

[Hanging on]

I'm back. That was yet another interesting story. Absolutely nothing like last time, but similar. I made some friends and met a girl. Got back in tune with that it felt like to have my old life back. Felt like the old me again. Dealt with similar shit from the doctors and nurses (but handled it much better because I was prepared for it. I left one hell of a lasting impression, but still left without any medication. One of the nurses even remembered me from last time. When I was being discharged and dealing with the other nurses at the desk, something reminded her of me. She was like "Hey...what's your name?" And I was like "Dani." And she was like "36?" (room 36). And I was like "No, I think it was 29." And she just chuckled. I thought of it after... I'll bet it was the same nurse from last time when that girl Salena was being discharged shortly before me. And she started rushing down the hall to Room 36, and the nurse was following her saying "Where are you going??" and she was like "I have to say bye to Dani!!" And I came rushing out of the room and gave her this big hug just in case I would never see her again. I'm glad I did, because I probably won't. She would have stopped talking to me anyway. My dick is gone. See but this is my point. I can't take any of this shit anymore. Both that time....and this time....I left this hospital having panic attacks and I can't stop crying. Dani has had it. I'm done.

And now once again, same as last time...I'm all out of money for alcohol. I wish I hadn't blown all that money on a drinking binge. I should have been dead already. Now it's the same fights with my dad. I don't have money for charcoal either. And I don't know how I feel about this shed.

I'm going to try and figure it out again, but I have nowhere else to do this. It has to happen in the shed. I don't know what else to do. But I cannot scream and cry any longer. I can't take this any longer. I. Will. Not Fail. I have to get my shit and wait until the time is right. I'm thinking to wait until my dad closes the pool, which will be very soon. Then he'll have no reason to even go in the shed in the first place. And it's getting so cold that he won't bother going outside for anything.

Thought you was being detoxed! Why would you need alcohol? I would do anything to be detoxed from alcohol. Never to want it again .

 

[Dani Paradox]

Thought you was being detoxed! Why would you need alcohol? I would do anything to be detoxed from alcohol. Never to want it again .

I was detoxed. It sucked. I had to because I ran out of money for alcohol and was going to go through withdrawals, which is horrible. I was afraid of having seizures, or a stroke, or something. That would not be good. But I do need alcohol in order to pass out in the tent. Honestly I wish I saved that last $3 I had. I could have put it towards the charcoal. Instead I bought 3 little nips as soon as I got out of the hospital >_< My dad was heated. He seems to continuously have it in his head that I am going to stop drinking altogether and then magically fix my life and feel better. He is so delusional.

 

[dysfunctional]

I'm back. That was yet another interesting story. Absolutely nothing like last time, but similar. I made some friends and met a girl. Got back in tune with that it felt like to have my old life back. Felt like the old me again. Dealt with similar shit from the doctors and nurses (but handled it much better because I was prepared for it. I left one hell of a lasting impression, but still left without any medication. One of the nurses even remembered me from last time. When I was being discharged and dealing with the other nurses at the desk, something reminded her of me. She was like "Hey...what's your name?" And I was like "Dani." And she was like "36?" (room 36). And I was like "No, I think it was 29." And she just chuckled. I thought of it after... I'll bet it was the same nurse from last time when that girl Salena was being discharged shortly before me. And she started rushing down the hall to Room 36, and the nurse was following her saying "Where are you going??" and she was like "I have to say bye to Dani!!" And I came rushing out of the room and gave her this big hug just in case I would never see her again. I'm glad I did, because I probably won't. She would have stopped talking to me anyway. My dick is gone. See but this is my point. I can't take any of this shit anymore. Both that time....and this time....I left this hospital having panic attacks and I can't stop crying. Dani has had it. I'm done.

And now once again, same as last time...I'm all out of money for alcohol. I wish I hadn't blown all that money on a drinking binge. I should have been dead already. Now it's the same fights with my dad. I don't have money for charcoal either. And I don't know how I feel about this shed.

I'm going to try and figure it out again, but I have nowhere else to do this. It has to happen in the shed. I don't know what else to do. But I cannot scream and cry any longer. I can't take this any longer. I. Will. Not Fail. I have to get my shit and wait until the time is right. I'm thinking to wait until my dad closes the pool, which will be very soon. Then he'll have no reason to even go in the shed in the first place. And it's getting so cold that he won't bother going outside for anything.

Just curious what changes if you felt like you where back in tune with your old self?

 

[Hanging on]

I was detoxed. It sucked. I had to because I ran out of money for alcohol and was going to go through withdrawals, which is horrible. I was afraid of having seizures, or a stroke, or something. That would not be good. But I do need alcohol in order to pass out in the tent. Honestly I wish I saved that last $3 I had. I could have put it towards the charcoal. Instead I bought 3 little nips as soon as I got out of the hospital >_< My dad was heated. He seems to continuously have it in his head that I am going to stop drinking altogether and then magically fix my life and feel better. He is so delusional.

Is awful being a alcoholic, totally get it . I use it to sleep but can't wait for my next drink to be honest. It's all part of the depression. Hope you get want you want in life have been following you for a while . Good luck with what ever you choose.

 

[Dani Paradox]

Just curious what changes if you felt like you where back in tune with your old self?

It's like a creepy sci-fi movie. I've lived two lives. I switched identities. I'm no longer who I am, and it's been this way for many years. Feeling like my old self again is like going back in time....it's like a punch in the face. First it's all warm and fuzzy, and then once it's over it's like someone stuck a knife in my gut and twisted it around. No one listens or understands. They all act like it's no big deal. Like I'm overreacting. Just like how they acted it was no big deal when this all began. It's an indescribable feeling. I just want to be me again, and it will never happen. How could anyone possibly act like having a mutilated body and a destroyed identity is no big deal?

 

[your pathologist]

I too spend most of found happiness intoxicated... looking forward to the next drink. Im not at a danger of withdrawing... but i only feel truly happy when im drunk. Its like this warm blanket

 

[Hanging on]

I too spend most of found happiness intoxicated... looking forward to the next drink. Im not at a danger of withdrawing... but i only feel truly happy when im drunk. Its like this warm blanket

Totally agree

 

[Dani Paradox]

I'm the same way. It sucks because I know the exact root of the problem, and if I were able to get to the bottom of it then I could stop drinking heavily, and go back to drinking like a normal person. It would all fall into place, like a puzzle. But there are missing puzzle pieces. And they won't even prescribe me the medication that I need to keep me in tact. So they are basically forcing me to drink and smoke myself to death.

 

[Limbo]

Thought you was being detoxed! Why would you need alcohol? I would do anything to be detoxed from alcohol. Never to want it again .

detoxing will only made the cravings come back when you realise how pathetic your life is when you sober up.

 

[Dani Paradox]

detoxing will only made the cravings come back when you realise how pathetic your life is when you sober up.

As soon as I leave the hospital I lose my marbles. What I need is medication instead. But I don't even care. I just want to ctb. I've just gotta figure out how to get the money. Wish I didn't blow all that I had. I purposely went on a huge drinking binge and blew it all because I was supposed to be dead, and then it didn't work out :(

 

[Limbo]

As soon as I leave the hospital I lose my marbles. What I need is medication instead. But I don't even care. I just want to ctb. I've just gotta figure out how to get the money. Wish I didn't blow all that I had. I purposely went on a huge drinking binge and blew it all because I was supposed to be dead, and then it didn't work out :(

They give you benzos right? Thats what keeps you stable. Then you come out of a hospital expected to function. Its like throwing a 5 year old kid into the wild.