Venting Academia is Making Me More Suicidal By the Day

[Unsure and Useless]

The new semester is going to start soon, and I have to admit: I don't feel ready for it at all. If anything, I dread its arrival, and thinking about going back to university always eventually leads to me wanting to CTB. It has gotten to the point where I need some time to take a break from even thinking about school, which makes me feel like such a failure

I know that university is where I want to go or, rather, I know that university is somewhere I have to go in order to achieve my goal, but it's like I'm not built out for this. I feel like I'm not built out for living as a human in general. Though, I'm too depressed about school to get into the details of the other parts in my life that make me a defective specimen in our society

I'm mainly typing this to get my mind off of CTB right now. I'm going to lose my scholarship soon since my depression has significantly impacted my GPA, and I was considering drinking the bleach in my bathroom before I break the news to my parents, who have already been relentless with me after I failed my classes. Now, my father routinely interrogates me about my progress, GPA, class hours, grades, what connections I've made, and other related subjects while my mother constantly reminds me of how shitty I felt failing my first class and that I need to get university over with. It doesn't help that they don't believe in anything outside of sheer willpower. Trouble focusing? Use willpower. Too anxious to network with peers and faculty? Use willpower

One day, I think I'm going to do something reckless because of how much I've grown to loathe academia. I still respect it and those within it, but the field itself stresses me out so much I want to CTB

 

[ChocoPie]

The new semester is going to start soon, and I have to admit: I don't feel ready for it at all. If anything, I dread its arrival, and thinking about going back to university always eventually leads to me wanting to CTB. It has gotten to the point where I need some time to take a break from even thinking about school, which makes me feel like such a failure

I know that university is where I want to go or, rather, I know that university is somewhere I have to go in order to achieve my goal, but it's like I'm not built out for this. I feel like I'm not built out for living as a human in general. Though, I'm too depressed about school to get into the details of the other parts in my life that make me a defective specimen in our society

I'm mainly typing this to get my mind off of CTB right now. I'm going to lose my scholarship soon since my depression has significantly impacted my GPA, and I was considering drinking the bleach in my bathroom before I break the news to my parents, who have already been relentless with me after I failed my classes. Now, my father routinely interrogates me about my progress, GPA, class hours, grades, what connections I've made, and other related subjects while my mother constantly reminds me of how shitty I felt failing my first class and that I need to get university over with. It doesn't help that they don't believe in anything outside of sheer willpower. Trouble focusing? Use willpower. Too anxious to network with peers and faculty? Use willpower

One day, I think I'm going to do something reckless because of how much I've grown to loathe academia. I still respect it and those within it, but the field itself stresses me out so much I want to CTB

Yea the same with me, I feel like my mom is always looking at me, she is nagging me to study all the time, she compares me to the perfect cousin and says she wouldn't be like if only I study better, she makes me study at night till she is satisfied ...most of the time I'm just acting like I'm studying to avoid getting scolded or worse - beaten, I know I will fail life like this...but I just can't seem to care anymore, I just want to CTB, I have no will to live anymore.
But do u think is this a phase u might get over it ?
Do u have any dreams that makes u feel like u can fight against all this ? the parents don't understand us but I know how much pressure than can add with their constant scolding and monitering, it would be sad if u CTB just bcz of them....

Hope it all gets better for u, there r many ppl here who can talk to u in here in case u r anxious or worried abt something, sometimes just having someone listen to u without any judgement can help a lot.

 

[bipolar22]

Firstly dont drink the bleach. Just gonna cause pain and they might have to pump your stomach and youre gonna feel like a banana head afterwards.
And if school is causing you this much distress you might have to drop out and find another occupational goal. If it is gonna make you try to commit suicide eventually obviously its not worth it.
Or maybe your best bet is trying to muscles through it hoping for the best? I dont know you have to judge that for yourself I'm afraid. And yes academia sucks and its meant to suck to separate willing robot workers from people who might have independent thoughts and emotions. Best of luck

 

[frayed]

one must imagine the child of such parents happy.

 

[Unsure and Useless]

But do u think is this a phase u might get over it ?
Do u have any dreams that makes u feel like u can fight against all this ? the parents don't understand us but I know how much pressure than can add with their constant scolding and monitering, it would be sad if u CTB just bcz of them....

The most simple answer I can give is "yes", but not because this will end. Assuming your parents are similar to mine, especially with the cousin comparisons, these moments of demeaning and belittling your academic efforts is just a phase in a grander cycle of them simply being unsatisfied with you no matter what you do. It's just that, now that you're in this part of your life, academics is the easiest thing they can focus on. Parents like these are like that. If it's not academics, it's finances; if it's not finances, it's your love life; and so on. Once the education part of your life is over, they will likely stop degrading you because of it, but they'll move onto the next best thing. It's unfortunate that this is the hand we're dealt with, but it simply is what is

I don't have any dreams that motivate me. Any dreams I could've had were slowly squeezed out of me as I grew up, and my career-focused dreams slowly lost their shine as my mother simply made living in general something that should be opted out of. Now, the only things that motivate me are the inconvenience of planning out my CTB as well as simple pleasures that lift up my mood

I can't deny that it will be sad if I CTB because of my parents. One's caretakers are expected to be emotional bastions for their children, but when they don't act as such, the child's circumstances become pitiful. However, I see it as me breaking free from them and, by extension, freeing them from me. I refuse to continue living just so my mother has someone she can pin her problems onto me, and I refuse to continue living so that my father can continue working himself into the ground for me. Anything can be spun to be good or bad as long as you try hard enough

Firstly dont drink the bleach. Just gonna cause pain and they might have to pump your stomach and youre gonna feel like a banana head afterwards.

Yes, planning how I was going to go through with it, even for a second, was enough to convince me otherwise. The fact that people don't mention typically bleach as a CTB method on this forum already gave me an idea of how reliable it is, so like with all things, it ended up simply being an example of CTB ideation

Still, thank you the advice

one must imagine the child of such parents happy.

We leave the child of such parents at the doorstep of their parents! One always finds one's burden again. But these children teaches the higher fidelity that negates their caretakers and make the days bearable. They too conclude that all is well. This universe henceforth without a master seems to them neither sterile nor futile. Each nanosecond of their interactions, each argument made in response to displaced rage, in itself forms a world. The struggle to vindicate oneself is enough to fill a person's heart. One must imagine the child of such parents happy

Likewise, one must imagine the person paraphrasing an entire paragraph from Camus's work as a weird joke happy hehe

 

[bpdwriter]

The new semester is going to start soon, and I have to admit: I don't feel ready for it at all. If anything, I dread its arrival, and thinking about going back to university always eventually leads to me wanting to CTB. It has gotten to the point where I need some time to take a break from even thinking about school, which makes me feel like such a failure

I know that university is where I want to go or, rather, I know that university is somewhere I have to go in order to achieve my goal, but it's like I'm not built out for this. I feel like I'm not built out for living as a human in general. Though, I'm too depressed about school to get into the details of the other parts in my life that make me a defective specimen in our society

I'm mainly typing this to get my mind off of CTB right now. I'm going to lose my scholarship soon since my depression has significantly impacted my GPA, and I was considering drinking the bleach in my bathroom before I break the news to my parents, who have already been relentless with me after I failed my classes. Now, my father routinely interrogates me about my progress, GPA, class hours, grades, what connections I've made, and other related subjects while my mother constantly reminds me of how shitty I felt failing my first class and that I need to get university over with. It doesn't help that they don't believe in anything outside of sheer willpower. Trouble focusing? Use willpower. Too anxious to network with peers and faculty? Use willpower

One day, I think I'm going to do something reckless because of how much I've grown to loathe academia. I still respect it and those within it, but the field itself stresses me out so much I want to CTB

I feel you, so much. I dropped out of undergrad because my mental health crashed and if I had access to SN, I think I would have CTB. Though my life isn't fixed 100%, I eventually went back to finish my master's this year. maybe a break is necessary for you?

What helped me justify the dropping out is I went to in-patient treatment. That's when my family saw just how bad my mental health was and they backed off the pressure.

 

[Unsure and Useless]

I feel you, so much. I dropped out of undergrad because my mental health crashed and if I had access to SN, I think I would have CTB. Though my life isn't fixed 100%, I eventually went back to finish my master's this year. maybe a break is necessary for you?

What helped me justify the dropping out is I went to in-patient treatment. That's when my family saw just how bad my mental health was and they backed off the pressure.

My parents won't let me take a break. If I try, they'll kick me out, and with the way the economy is, I don't have the resources to fully support myself, especially since my parents wouldn't bother to help me. I'm only receiving their assistance because they think I'll bring them something to brag about to coworkers and family

Also, my parents don't care about my mental health. I get demeaned for being "weak", and whenever I had mental breakdowns around them, they mocked me for it. During the rare instances they do want to help, they suggest I go to church more often to pray, as if that would get rid of the ever present need to CTB...

 

[User111885]

The new semester is going to start soon, and I have to admit: I don't feel ready for it at all. If anything, I dread its arrival, and thinking about going back to university always eventually leads to me wanting to CTB. It has gotten to the point where I need some time to take a break from even thinking about school, which makes me feel like such a failure

I know that university is where I want to go or, rather, I know that university is somewhere I have to go in order to achieve my goal, but it's like I'm not built out for this. I feel like I'm not built out for living as a human in general. Though, I'm too depressed about school to get into the details of the other parts in my life that make me a defective specimen in our society

I'm mainly typing this to get my mind off of CTB right now. I'm going to lose my scholarship soon since my depression has significantly impacted my GPA, and I was considering drinking the bleach in my bathroom before I break the news to my parents, who have already been relentless with me after I failed my classes. Now, my father routinely interrogates me about my progress, GPA, class hours, grades, what connections I've made, and other related subjects while my mother constantly reminds me of how shitty I felt failing my first class and that I need to get university over with. It doesn't help that they don't believe in anything outside of sheer willpower. Trouble focusing? Use willpower. Too anxious to network with peers and faculty? Use willpower

One day, I think I'm going to do something reckless because of how much I've grown to loathe academia. I still respect it and those within it, but the field itself stresses me out so much I want to CTB

what is your goal?

Firstly dont drink the bleach. Just gonna cause pain and they might have to pump your stomach and youre gonna feel like a banana head afterwards.
And if school is causing you this much distress you might have to drop out and find another occupational goal. If it is gonna make you try to commit suicide eventually obviously its not worth it.
Or maybe your best bet is trying to muscles through it hoping for the best? I dont know you have to judge that for yourself I'm afraid. And yes academia sucks and its meant to suck to separate willing robot workers from people who might have independent thoughts and emotions. Best of luck

i also question if drinking bleach is helpful, unless you don't want to die and are looking for medical attention and then psychiatric attention. but if you want to make a suicidal gesture, there may be other less painful ways? i am not sure of the lethality of drinking bleach. it may be highly lethal or it may be something where they remove parts of your esophagus, throat, and intestines and you're alive but need a tube to eat. i am just guessing on all of this, but extremely violent attempts that may or may not work can always possibly leave a person gravely disabled and unable to even die if they want to after the injuries.

i did read up on this since the previous paragraph. drinking bleach may cause death but it also may just result in permanent gastrointestinal damage. i would really suggest not drinking bleach.

 

[Unsure and Useless]

what is your goal?

I want to become an anesthesiologist. I don't know why, but I can't imagine doing anything else with my life. Just thinking about pursuing another career feels wrong and depressing

 

[User111885]

I want to become an anesthesiologist. I don't know why, but I can't imagine doing anything else with my life. Just thinking about pursuing another career feels wrong and depressing

omg that's such a good career decision! no, you should do that, i've read enough about it to know how that's such a sweet spot in terms of education to financial rewards, keep going for it.

is there any way to lighten your course load slightly and do like group therapy or see a therapist? Or if you have to take time off for mental health, can you also volunteer a few hours a week and then just list it as experience?

You would just say "During my X semester, there was a family medical issue and I took a smaller courseload/took time off and spent time with family and volunteered and learned ___"