Noir
Member
- Dec 9, 2018
- 26
Why is it that, even when everything is fucked up. And we die anyway, no way out for all of us. We can't enjoy it. I feel so much pain. Physically and mentally, so fucked up. Traumatized as all of us....
Why can't I change my perspective?
I still prefer the fast lane, catch a Bus or a train. I can't move forward as I see no worth in it. As we all die anyway....I don't want to be alone. Even of its fucked up to be alive. Just hug me till I die or recover. I think we all seek our paradise. No one wants to be alone in it. Even if you have everything, if you have no other to truly connect, you still prefer to end it. There is something deep in all of us. Which seeks connections. When i remember my idols my heroes, dying one after another, taking their own life. Rich guys problems
I might have the same problem, sadly I am poor. Good part, their solution is available for all of us 
Back to my question, why can't I change myself and prefer to die ?
I bet its cause I am a lazy crazy dumb weirdo. Not proud of it, I lost my motivation in life or rather never had it. I am scared most of the time. Lose interest connection. I force myself to meet new people but I am not interested in any of them. The ones I meet, where I tell myself to give them my time. Share it to little for me, It feels worse then being alone so I disconnect myself, in belief they didn't do it sooner...but what can I do. My weird self is just like that. Always on the run. Running away from life cause I don't know what to do or don't want to so it alone. I rather sabotage or harm myself, then trying new ways to connect. I am scared of life. The older I am the more I care less about myself. Scared to fall asleep scared to go outside, scared to stay still, scared what to say. Well fear like that builds up sadly hardly stagnates...like other things. Why am I waiting for someone ?
I guess that's my path. Dying alone in the middle of the street, sitting down. Darkness comes and me just being ignored. It gets cold, I took a shot. My eyes closing down. I feel a last breeze before my eyes close down, fully knowing that I am not happy bur glad. Regretful and accepting with half peace in mind. Fully knowing I fabricated this perspective on the matter. So its easier to let go. When you let go of everything you have, you have nothing left to hold on. Some are even falling, having it all but still being empty.
I am going to see a doctor. With my luck, something else is not working properly too.
So my question is, to summarize, I think:
Why do I play life in hard mode ?
Why can't I change my perspective?
I still prefer the fast lane, catch a Bus or a train. I can't move forward as I see no worth in it. As we all die anyway....I don't want to be alone. Even of its fucked up to be alive. Just hug me till I die or recover. I think we all seek our paradise. No one wants to be alone in it. Even if you have everything, if you have no other to truly connect, you still prefer to end it. There is something deep in all of us. Which seeks connections. When i remember my idols my heroes, dying one after another, taking their own life. Rich guys problems
I might have the same problem, sadly I am poor. Good part, their solution is available for all of us Back to my question, why can't I change myself and prefer to die ?
I bet its cause I am a lazy crazy dumb weirdo. Not proud of it, I lost my motivation in life or rather never had it. I am scared most of the time. Lose interest connection. I force myself to meet new people but I am not interested in any of them. The ones I meet, where I tell myself to give them my time. Share it to little for me, It feels worse then being alone so I disconnect myself, in belief they didn't do it sooner...but what can I do. My weird self is just like that. Always on the run. Running away from life cause I don't know what to do or don't want to so it alone. I rather sabotage or harm myself, then trying new ways to connect. I am scared of life. The older I am the more I care less about myself. Scared to fall asleep scared to go outside, scared to stay still, scared what to say. Well fear like that builds up sadly hardly stagnates...like other things. Why am I waiting for someone ?
I guess that's my path. Dying alone in the middle of the street, sitting down. Darkness comes and me just being ignored. It gets cold, I took a shot. My eyes closing down. I feel a last breeze before my eyes close down, fully knowing that I am not happy bur glad. Regretful and accepting with half peace in mind. Fully knowing I fabricated this perspective on the matter. So its easier to let go. When you let go of everything you have, you have nothing left to hold on. Some are even falling, having it all but still being empty.
I am going to see a doctor. With my luck, something else is not working properly too.
So my question is, to summarize, I think:
Why do I play life in hard mode ?
