3FailedAttemptss
trans girl (｀・ω・´)
- Jan 22, 2025
- 345
So here's the deal. I'm still stuck in the psych ward, but I have DBT sessions alongside my psychward today, and there's no family or anyone I can ask to help drive me to DBT. So the psych ward is sending out a taxi. And I think there's an opportunity there where I'm able to escape and if I do escape I'll call a taxi myself and I'll go to the train tracks um where I'll place my head on the track and be decapitated by a train. But I don't know, I'm feeling this ambivalence.
I'm feeling sc scared and nervous of the finality of it all. And also like if I run away from the psych ward and don't kill myself, like the consequences will be enormous. They're gonna call the police on me, I know that. Um So I'm just scared. I've been thinking about my ex so much and it just makes me feel bad.
But I wanna feel worse. I wanna feel worse. I wanna be bad. I wanna be really bad. I wanna kill myself.
I don't know. But t I don't know. I don't know what's gonna happen today. I'm just afraid of the consequences. I wish I wasn't in the psych ward and I was at home and I could go to the train tracks at my own leisurely pace, you know, without having this stress of needing to escape and police getting involved and me breaking a bunch of rules just to go to a fucking train track.
Like that's absurd to me. And the reason why I'm feeling the pressure to kill myself now. Is that my boy oh fuck he's not my fuck he's not my boyfriend anymore. My ex wanted a two-week no contact period and I'm scared that if that week expires or those two weeks expire and we contact each other, I'm worried that that'll make things worse or that'll make things better. Like what if it makes me want to not kill myself? That would be fucked up. I feel like I've already kind of burnt the bridge to life and I'm on my way out. And if it makes me feel worse, then why would I want to stay alive for that? I don't want to feel worse. I already feel like shit. So his two week no contact period has kind of become a countdown for my own death. And it expires on July the second, so opportunities are growing slim.
I'm feeling sc scared and nervous of the finality of it all. And also like if I run away from the psych ward and don't kill myself, like the consequences will be enormous. They're gonna call the police on me, I know that. Um So I'm just scared. I've been thinking about my ex so much and it just makes me feel bad.
But I wanna feel worse. I wanna feel worse. I wanna be bad. I wanna be really bad. I wanna kill myself.
I don't know. But t I don't know. I don't know what's gonna happen today. I'm just afraid of the consequences. I wish I wasn't in the psych ward and I was at home and I could go to the train tracks at my own leisurely pace, you know, without having this stress of needing to escape and police getting involved and me breaking a bunch of rules just to go to a fucking train track.
Like that's absurd to me. And the reason why I'm feeling the pressure to kill myself now. Is that my boy oh fuck he's not my fuck he's not my boyfriend anymore. My ex wanted a two-week no contact period and I'm scared that if that week expires or those two weeks expire and we contact each other, I'm worried that that'll make things worse or that'll make things better. Like what if it makes me want to not kill myself? That would be fucked up. I feel like I've already kind of burnt the bridge to life and I'm on my way out. And if it makes me feel worse, then why would I want to stay alive for that? I don't want to feel worse. I already feel like shit. So his two week no contact period has kind of become a countdown for my own death. And it expires on July the second, so opportunities are growing slim.
