Discussion To my other fellows that have been here for over a year, what keeps you around?

[Afterglow]

I've been depressed practically since I can remember existing. I don't know what is actually keeping me around. I think maybe it's because I can just live in my own head and not worry about things as long as I'm distracted. It feels like everytime I have to think about real life, I come back to this site, and I continue to contemplate suicide the same as before. I'm a little too sensitive to it all. I'll be at work and I'll be having a fine and dandy day, and then someone asks "How are you doing today?" and I have a moment that feels like it's out of the guardians of the galaxy movie when it's zooming out of Chris Pratt's face. It's just like "Oh yeah, ha, I should have killed myself last year when I was planning to."



I just want to hear from you guys. If you havent been here for over a year, still feel free to comment about what keeps you around.Regardless of your answers, try to do your best today, and try not to be too hard on yourself.

 

[Meowsies]

I have been around for 3 years now and i can say that what has kept me around is medication, without it i would not be here today without a doubt, therapy and meeting people who make me feel like life still has good experiences in store for me. Personally I find it kind of stupid and I wish I was dead but sometimes I have those moments where I will be doing a super mundane thing, like eating something I enjoy, making my favorite food, or talking to my partner, only to stop, for a split second and think that maybe this is not so bad after all.

 

[Hollowman]

I'm trying to outlive my mom.

 

[oneirataxia]

I would've left around a year ago, but then a lot of things happened to get in the way of that.

 

[tangerine_dream]

Generally, life has gotten better for me. I'm not depressed often anymore - certainly not every day. If someone had told me a few years ago I'd feel happy, I would have laughed in their face, and then probably cried.
So, mostly, I'd say I'm pretty happy again.

The reason I'm still on this forum is because sometimes I feel a soul-crushing sadness, and I immediately go back to suicidal thoughts. I think it might be the autism causing me to have trouble processing emotions and jumping into extreme mental processes instead of… I don't know, being able to handle it like a normal person?

Coming here to read that I'm at least not alone helps a lot, even if I'm not actively looking to end my life. And usually the feeling of community gives me the strength to pick myself up again, go outside - because I likely haven't done that in weeks at such a point -, and do something with my life to make me feel better.

There might be a diagnosis in me somewhere besides the autism and physical chronic illness. I always hope I'd get helped for severe mood swings, but then recognize this might just be the life of a permanently anxious, autistic woman. I just want to be medicated for it, because I have great highs in life, but also horrific lows. I don't think I'll be medicated for it.

Cowardice keeps me around - I'm too scared to actually SN. My friends and family (cliché) keep me around. My dreams and hopes for the future, which younger me never dared of having, keep me around. The thought that life is fleeting, and therefore nothing matters; I'm going to fuck around, do all the crazy shit I want, and look back on my life as a saga of fortunate, wild adventures. When I think about life like that, it actually seems kinda nice, in the grand scheme of things. Spite is important, too. All that keeps me around.

 

[SackOfCrap445]

i wasnt satisfied with leaving without having experienced certain things. I know my life is mostly over, but there are things worth seeing and experiencing. ill probably ctb when im 30-40 though or whenever my parents die

 

[dragonofenvy]

At first, it was failed attempts.

Now, it is the fact that I'm giving treatment one last chance.

 

[argonian_maid]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, I'm in a similar boat and it really really sucks.

I had a failed helium attempt and I also often regret that I didn't fix my set up and try again. It feels like nothing since the attempt was worth sticking around.

If I didn't adopt a cat I'd probably try again. But I spoil him so much that I don't feel like anyone else could care for him the same way. He's also only friendly to me, thinking about how confused and sad he'd be makes it hard to leave.