Discussion To my other fellows that have been here for over a year, what keeps you around?

[Afterglow]

I've been depressed practically since I can remember existing. I don't know what is actually keeping me around. I think maybe it's because I can just live in my own head and not worry about things as long as I'm distracted. It feels like everytime I have to think about real life, I come back to this site, and I continue to contemplate suicide the same as before. I'm a little too sensitive to it all. I'll be at work and I'll be having a fine and dandy day, and then someone asks "How are you doing today?" and I have a moment that feels like it's out of the guardians of the galaxy movie when it's zooming out of Chris Pratt's face. It's just like "Oh yeah, ha, I should have killed myself last year when I was planning to."



I just want to hear from you guys. If you havent been here for over a year, still feel free to comment about what keeps you around.Regardless of your answers, try to do your best today, and try not to be too hard on yourself.

 

[Meowsies]

I have been around for 3 years now and i can say that what has kept me around is medication, without it i would not be here today without a doubt, therapy and meeting people who make me feel like life still has good experiences in store for me. Personally I find it kind of stupid and I wish I was dead but sometimes I have those moments where I will be doing a super mundane thing, like eating something I enjoy, making my favorite food, or talking to my partner, only to stop, for a split second and think that maybe this is not so bad after all.

 

[Hollowman]

I'm trying to outlive my mom.

 

[oneirataxia]

I would've left around a year ago, but then a lot of things happened to get in the way of that.

 

[tangerine_dream]

Generally, life has gotten better for me. I'm not depressed often anymore - certainly not every day. If someone had told me a few years ago I'd feel happy, I would have laughed in their face, and then probably cried.
So, mostly, I'd say I'm pretty happy again.

The reason I'm still on this forum is because sometimes I feel a soul-crushing sadness, and I immediately go back to suicidal thoughts. I think it might be the autism causing me to have trouble processing emotions and jumping into extreme mental processes instead of… I don't know, being able to handle it like a normal person?

Coming here to read that I'm at least not alone helps a lot, even if I'm not actively looking to end my life. And usually the feeling of community gives me the strength to pick myself up again, go outside - because I likely haven't done that in weeks at such a point -, and do something with my life to make me feel better.

There might be a diagnosis in me somewhere besides the autism and physical chronic illness. I always hope I'd get helped for severe mood swings, but then recognize this might just be the life of a permanently anxious, autistic woman. I just want to be medicated for it, because I have great highs in life, but also horrific lows. I don't think I'll be medicated for it.

Cowardice keeps me around - I'm too scared to actually SN. My friends and family (cliché) keep me around. My dreams and hopes for the future, which younger me never dared of having, keep me around. The thought that life is fleeting, and therefore nothing matters; I'm going to fuck around, do all the crazy shit I want, and look back on my life as a saga of fortunate, wild adventures. When I think about life like that, it actually seems kinda nice, in the grand scheme of things. Spite is important, too. All that keeps me around.

 

[SackOfCrap445]

i wasnt satisfied with leaving without having experienced certain things. I know my life is mostly over, but there are things worth seeing and experiencing. ill probably ctb when im 30-40 though or whenever my parents die

 

[dragonofenvy]

At first, it was failed attempts.

Now, it is the fact that I'm giving treatment one last chance.

 

[argonian_maid]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, I'm in a similar boat and it really really sucks.

I had a failed helium attempt and I also often regret that I didn't fix my set up and try again. It feels like nothing since the attempt was worth sticking around.

If I didn't adopt a cat I'd probably try again. But I spoil him so much that I don't feel like anyone else could care for him the same way. He's also only friendly to me, thinking about how confused and sad he'd be makes it hard to leave.

 

[GroundControl]

I keep procrastinating. It's not that I don't want to do it, really, I just have issues with starting tasks. Once I get the ball rolling I'm usually good. It's similar to my college assignments. That's sort of a menial comparison, but it's most accurate for me.

I think also, I'm scared of the uncertainty. Of what might be after. If it's nothing, thats terrifying. But if it's something, that's terrifying too. Does that make any sense? I don't want to be alone in experiencing those things. But it's inevitable, isn't it?

 

[SASU-KE]

Incredibly high survival instinct. I fantasize about death all the time, every day. But I dislike pain . And I don't like the stigma of catching the bus. I'm concerned for the people I leave behind even if I personally don't have to worry about the after effects.

 

[laceydreams]

Being a procrastinator

 

[RadiantNumber]

Cause life has no sense

 

[dumbgirlonline]

I'm trying to outlive my mom.

Same, I'm just hanging around till she goes so I can go too. Not for any noble reason other than I don't want to hear her sympathy bait after I die

 

[vitbar]

All what @tangerine_dream said is super familiar. I'm happier now on average. I mostly have decent or at least ok days. The depressive episodes are shallower and shorter. Despite the suffering I've experienced I love too much about living. It's all I have, and not for long in the grand scheme.

What kicked me onto a new course was both finding the right medications, and therapy. I made new friends too so my social needs are better satisfied. As I've got older I'm more selfsatisfied too. I like my own company again.

Still here because of a sense of community. During what remains of the depressive episodes I find these boards an outlet.

 

[UserFromNowhere]

I keep cycling back and forth between states of feeling alright and feeling so depressed I want to do it. A year ago, I might've been able to because of the state I was in mentally, but now, it's just not something I can commit to (even if I do have immensely deep and crushing moments of time where I want nothing more than to die and consider just ending it all on impulse). I guess I'm just more or less waiting till it gets bad enough again to go.

 

[Moniker]

It's mostly fear, I guess. Fear of pain, of death, maybe worrying about who I'm leaving behind.

These days I don't think about suicide too often anymore. Maybe a few times a week. I don't really feel sad at all. I think I've dwelled on those feelings for too long for them to affect me as much as they used to.

I've lost those urges to end it all as soon as possible. I find myself always looking at life and thinking "Wow, this is it. There is nothing left to look forward to." There isn't any sort of inescapable pain. It's just a dull hollow feeling.

 

[Hollowman]

N

Same, I'm just hanging around till she goes so I can go too. Not for any noble reason other than I don't want to hear her sympathy bait after I die

No one's going to hear anything after they die.

 

[pony No.2]

Basically just having a place to vent and talk about my problems without the risk of getting half my rights taken away for my "safety" and having no boundaries on what I can and can't vent about, to some extent. And getting suicide advice and talking to like-minded people instead of singleminded individuals who think life is the best thing ever.

 

[never mind me]

When I first discovered this site in 2022 I didn't really feel suicidal although I was in a bad mood. (I don't really count the ctb fantasies I also sometimes have when things are okish in the grand scheme of things) That lastet only a few weeks, so I only visited the site occasionally in the last few years. Only in May or June this year things made a turn for the worse as I developped some problems with my health (and there are some other issues that are for the most part a consequence of my health problems) and out of desperation, because it seemed for a while that nothing would help, I started considering ctb more seriously. However, as at least my health seems to improve now I try to stick around and somehow get better.

 

[Red.one]

I have this kind of "I will survive" mentality. U know "I'm still standing". I'm a looser who just don't want to loose, then loosing again and again and again but still don't want to loose.

It's like a gambling addiction for me. Year after year, getting worse, getting better on and on again. I'm in the waiting stage - either I win or loose for the final last time. But rn I'm still standing :b