Venting Time is not yet running out for me

[kvorumese]

I have to wait *years* before I can kill myself. I am terrified of the fact that in that time my worldview may drastically change and I may become not suicidal. I really don't want that to happen...
Are there any people here who preserved their suicidal ideation from teenage years into their late 20s?

 

[mlb]

yeah the earliest i was suicidal was around 12 and it never went away because the root cause of my problems is unsolvable. why do you think it could drastically change?

 

[kvorumese]

yeah the earliest i was suicidal was around 12 and it never went away because the root cause of my problems is unsolvable. why do you think it could drastically change?

Because life is unpredictable and even though my ideation has been stable for years I fear that something might tweak me to think otherwise. Even nowadays I intentionally suppress any calls of hope or adjacent, it makes me feel fake, like I'm making this up and one day it all could break

 

[mlb]

Because life is unpredictable and even though my ideation has been stable for years I fear that something might tweak me to think otherwise. Even nowadays I intentionally suppress any calls of hope or adjacent, it makes me feel fake, like I'm making this up and one day it all could break

that's totally fair. when you say you suppress any calls of hope or adjacent, where do you think they're coming for? if you go to therapy, do you think you're just reflecting what they're saying? i had a period where my suicidal ideation went away for a month or so because of my therapist. it all came back as soon as i realized that what i'm telling them is not actually true and deep inside i still feel suicidal and it's my autonomy.

i think it's completely possible that your ideation might go away for a while, but if you think that you supressing hope and it makes you feel fake then you should take a moment to reflect on your thoughts and ideas, and why that might be.

OH! just realized! when i initially started planning everything my day would be so ruined because of ideation and intent. i would cry and say that there's no way it ends like this. i was genuinely sad. but i think it was just the grace period of being still locked up in myself and living to order of society beliefs and not my own.

 

[kvorumese]

when you say you suppress any calls of hope or adjacent, where do you think they're coming for?

I honestly have no idea, and the more I try to dig into it, the more I fear that I may sway myself from the path that I want to take. Maybe one day though I will try to figure it out...

i think it's completely possible that your ideation might go away for a while

Frankly yeah that is what I am terrified about haha. But maybe the fact that I am terrified of not being suicidal is at least a sign that I am not 100% healthy