Because life is unpredictable and even though my ideation has been stable for years I fear that something might tweak me to think otherwise. Even nowadays I intentionally suppress any calls of hope or adjacent, it makes me feel fake, like I'm making this up and one day it all could break
that's totally fair. when you say you suppress any calls of hope or adjacent, where do you think they're coming for? if you go to therapy, do you think you're just reflecting what they're saying? i had a period where my suicidal ideation went away for a month or so because of my therapist. it all came back as soon as i realized that what i'm telling them is not actually true and deep inside i still feel suicidal and it's my autonomy.
i think it's completely possible that your ideation might go away for a while, but if you think that you supressing hope and it makes you feel fake then you should take a moment to reflect on your thoughts and ideas, and why that might be.
OH! just realized! when i initially started planning everything my day would be so ruined because of ideation and intent. i would cry and say that there's no way it ends like this. i was genuinely sad. but i think it was just the grace period of being still locked up in myself and living to order of society beliefs and not my own.
