Venting this eating disorder drives me crazy

[slightoverlooked]

I know this might sound stupid to some of yall but honestly this eating disorder is ruining my life. but i dont want to ever recover from it nor do i think i can ever recover from it. i have been starving super well lately while still maintaining university life and studying for my exams. i hit a new lowest weight and then suddenly my reactive hunger kicks in and i have been overeating for 4 days in a row. i feel so bloated and fat and every second feels like agony. i can only think about the fat cells in my body its like i can feel them growing. i stepped on the scale and i want to ctb. it probably sounds stupid but i would rather die then ever go back to a normal weight. i wish i would get even thinner so ppl would notice my weight loss and care about me. bc they dont take me serious when i say I'm gonna ctb. i just want to be pretty and loved and maybe when I reach bmi 14 ppl will care about me. maybe someone will love me.
i look fat and disgusting. either this disorder kills me or i will kill myself.

 

[lotus11]

I get it. I've had an eating disorder in one form or another in extreme ways for the last 15 years and it's the worst thing ever to live with. I swear it's honestly the worst head fuck ever. One of the worst things about it is that I think it seems so easy to others just to fix it but to you it feels like the most impossible thing.

 

[slightoverlooked]

I get it. I've had an eating disorder in one form or another in extreme ways for the last 15 years and it's the worst thing ever to live with. I swear it's honestly the worst head fuck ever. One of the worst things about it is that I think it seems so easy to others just to fix it but to you it feels like the most impossible thing.

im so sorry u have been going thru that for so long :(( no one understands us and we r so misunderstood in society. i will never look at food the same again. all i see r calories and oil. i haven't eaten anything my mom cooked in so long bc I'm so scared of the cals. my dream is reaching a low weight and maintaining it but ik that will never be possible.