So first of all, I would like to express my gratification to be welcomed in this forum, and I am looking forward to be an active member of this community since it seems very kind and understanding from reading some of the threads, I found that I could relate to a bunch of people here.
For anyone not interested in reading my actual history you can skip to the main part in the last paragraph (I want to introduce myself properly because it won't feel right to me otherwise)
So pretty much my situation is as follows, I can never recall a period where I've been truly happy more than a week or two without having a crash afterwards. Since I was a child I was bullied for my weight and for being different, so as a result I always used to sacrifice my dignity and jestered around bullies to make myself be accepted into a social group. I basically used to be a clown to people's eyes until highschool where I found an actual friendgroup but it wasn't really something crazy or special... my main issue is body image, Im an overweight male currently and Ive gone trough many fluctuations in my weight from 14 year old till now 21 around the range of 50 kg, basically my weight has been going up and down so I wasn't always fat, I genuinely tried to change my habits and go to the gym and diet but ultimately the cycle always repeats itself. I'm tired of this, I can't describe in words how much angry and disappointed I am at myself for being such a failure in managing my weight the reason for that is I can notice directly the shift in the way people treat me when I look less hard to stare at. I would call myself an "incel" as in the definition of somoene looking for a relationship but fails to get into one neither romantic nor sexual, not the caricature definition you find online of resentful hateful people who want to commit violence. I dont really want to go into the details of my experiences with the opposite gender but it can be pretty much summarized into being treated like a subhuman, one example; lately I've going around those Omegle copy websites just out of loneliness and boredom, and not only women started insulting my face but also some men too, I just laughed it out so I wont look tense but deep inside I can feel emotions literally punching trough my chest. I despise how I look, I really which I can open my belly with a knife and get the fat out by my own hands... I've been physically and emotionally abused as a child, for example my own mother had once wished I'd rot in hell and that she never gave birth to me, told me that as a kid btw, altought to be fair they do show that they actually do care about me currently but fail to hold themselves accountable for the damage they've done. So after the whole phase of the class clown I felt like I didnt know who I truly am to this day, I tried coping by adopting religion as a world view which worked for like 3 years but ultimately I left it since it really didn't answer some of my questions and caused more harm than good (btw dont try to convince me into becoming religious again I am really not interested and would appreciate it if you could respect that boundary), lately without going in too much details I've been able to achieve one of my biggest life dreams which was to travel to a certain country, and now I just feel totally empty and literally see no point in life in general.
TLDR; I hate how I look, Im fat and ugly and nobody ever loved me, I lack a sense of identity and purpose in life.
So going to the main topic of this thread; due to my life circumstances I am not interested in living a life longer than 30 years old, it just doesn't appeal to me at all, while I still want to live my life in this current moment and enjoy it while being in college and 21, I have no motivation to seek something or create some kind of new meaning or whathever, (I never really understood what people really meant by that btw, probably never will), one time when I was traveling I contacted my therapist and showed her some suicide letter I was writting, she instantly was saying that I should come back and get checked to the hospital and bla bla but after begging her not to she instead just notified my doctor and that's it, but now Ive gone past trough that step, currently I am not seeking any kind of attention or anything regular people would claim Im genuinely just not interested in living, I was thinking of getting with a new therapist to just cope momentarily but even thought assuming I will be able to hide my suicidal intentions I still can't tolerate being constantly paranoid about having my freedom stripped and be thrown in some hospital and have my parents bleed financially. Neither do I want to talk to my friends about it since they've got enough on their own plate and I dont want to bother them with my problems. The only place I found where I can speak about it judgement free is this forum. So I'm really grateful for the opportunity to be here.
Thank you for your time spent reading this.
EDIT: Just some extra context, Ive already been diagnosed with severe depression.
For anyone not interested in reading my actual history you can skip to the main part in the last paragraph (I want to introduce myself properly because it won't feel right to me otherwise)
So pretty much my situation is as follows, I can never recall a period where I've been truly happy more than a week or two without having a crash afterwards. Since I was a child I was bullied for my weight and for being different, so as a result I always used to sacrifice my dignity and jestered around bullies to make myself be accepted into a social group. I basically used to be a clown to people's eyes until highschool where I found an actual friendgroup but it wasn't really something crazy or special... my main issue is body image, Im an overweight male currently and Ive gone trough many fluctuations in my weight from 14 year old till now 21 around the range of 50 kg, basically my weight has been going up and down so I wasn't always fat, I genuinely tried to change my habits and go to the gym and diet but ultimately the cycle always repeats itself. I'm tired of this, I can't describe in words how much angry and disappointed I am at myself for being such a failure in managing my weight the reason for that is I can notice directly the shift in the way people treat me when I look less hard to stare at. I would call myself an "incel" as in the definition of somoene looking for a relationship but fails to get into one neither romantic nor sexual, not the caricature definition you find online of resentful hateful people who want to commit violence. I dont really want to go into the details of my experiences with the opposite gender but it can be pretty much summarized into being treated like a subhuman, one example; lately I've going around those Omegle copy websites just out of loneliness and boredom, and not only women started insulting my face but also some men too, I just laughed it out so I wont look tense but deep inside I can feel emotions literally punching trough my chest. I despise how I look, I really which I can open my belly with a knife and get the fat out by my own hands... I've been physically and emotionally abused as a child, for example my own mother had once wished I'd rot in hell and that she never gave birth to me, told me that as a kid btw, altought to be fair they do show that they actually do care about me currently but fail to hold themselves accountable for the damage they've done. So after the whole phase of the class clown I felt like I didnt know who I truly am to this day, I tried coping by adopting religion as a world view which worked for like 3 years but ultimately I left it since it really didn't answer some of my questions and caused more harm than good (btw dont try to convince me into becoming religious again I am really not interested and would appreciate it if you could respect that boundary), lately without going in too much details I've been able to achieve one of my biggest life dreams which was to travel to a certain country, and now I just feel totally empty and literally see no point in life in general.
TLDR; I hate how I look, Im fat and ugly and nobody ever loved me, I lack a sense of identity and purpose in life.
So going to the main topic of this thread; due to my life circumstances I am not interested in living a life longer than 30 years old, it just doesn't appeal to me at all, while I still want to live my life in this current moment and enjoy it while being in college and 21, I have no motivation to seek something or create some kind of new meaning or whathever, (I never really understood what people really meant by that btw, probably never will), one time when I was traveling I contacted my therapist and showed her some suicide letter I was writting, she instantly was saying that I should come back and get checked to the hospital and bla bla but after begging her not to she instead just notified my doctor and that's it, but now Ive gone past trough that step, currently I am not seeking any kind of attention or anything regular people would claim Im genuinely just not interested in living, I was thinking of getting with a new therapist to just cope momentarily but even thought assuming I will be able to hide my suicidal intentions I still can't tolerate being constantly paranoid about having my freedom stripped and be thrown in some hospital and have my parents bleed financially. Neither do I want to talk to my friends about it since they've got enough on their own plate and I dont want to bother them with my problems. The only place I found where I can speak about it judgement free is this forum. So I'm really grateful for the opportunity to be here.
Thank you for your time spent reading this.
EDIT: Just some extra context, Ive already been diagnosed with severe depression.
