
arcadia
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- Jan 5, 2023
- 138
Taking the antiemetics in 20 minutes, it's buccastem so they take an hour or so to dissolve
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I'm really terrified. I know it's for sure the right thing to do in my situation it's just, nervesIs it ok to ask how you are doing? Not to pry. Just wondering if you are ok.
That's completely fine, and yes, I will let you knowI hope you find the peace and joy you seek, hun. Let us know when it's your last message, okay? May I pray for you, too? If not, I won't.
I hope you find the peace and joy you seek, hun. Let us know when it's your last message, okay? May I pray for you, too? If not, I won't.
I'll be holding off and trying a bit later. I'm just a bit too scared at the moment. I feel pathetic but I know any attempt no matter how painless would feel like torture at the momentIf I'm not here when you leave. I just want you to know that you will be missed. Really sorry life brought you here.
No matter when you decide to do it, you're not pathetic. You should feel free to do it anytime, it's awful that life has treated you this way. I wish you luck, keeping you in my thoughts.I'll be holding off and trying a bit later. I'm just a bit too scared at the moment. I feel pathetic but I know any attempt no matter how painless would feel like torture at the moment
You are not pathetic. Everyone's bus ride is different. Know that regardless of your choice, you are surrounded by love and peaceI'll be holding off and trying a bit later. I'm just a bit too scared at the moment. I feel pathetic but I know any attempt no matter how painless would feel like torture at the moment
Drinking it in two hoursI'll be holding off and trying a bit later. I'm just a bit too scared at the moment. I feel pathetic but I know any attempt no matter how painless would feel like torture at the moment
Wrote my final note. I'm waiting for my ae to dissolve, buccastem (Prochlorperazine) is a buccal tablet so I have a bit. Would you all mind if I said some words?
Ah screw it.. These are my final hours I'll ramble. One of the earliest memories was of the first video game I ever played, Final Fantasy 7. It's pretty well known, but it was very impactful on 5 year old me. Spoilers.. But at the end of the first disc, this character, Aerith is killed. It was disorientating, I think this is one of the first examples of death in a story I was presented with. It was followed by a rush of emotion, the protagonist cloud yells out "Aerith is gone. Aerith will no longer talk, no longer laugh, cry, or get angry. What about us? What are we supposed to do? What about my pain? My fingers are tingling. My mouth is dry. My eyes are burning!"
To which the antagonist replies "Are you telling me you have feelings?"
He retorts "Of course I do! Who do you think I am!"
This scene really impacted me, and how I viewed death. How life isn't so much defined by accomplishments or stature, but through just being there in the moment. Cloud values her simply existing, laughing, crying, her emotions no matter if they're negative or positive are a sign of her living.
Cut forward to 2015, and a remake of this game which so heavily impacted me is announced and I am starry eyed. Just amazed. I won't really get to play the whole thing, just the first part which released in 2020, but I've accepted that.
I haven't been able to feel these emotions in a way a regular person has in a long time, I've been broken. Broken by everything, everyday is the same despondent laying in bed and staring at the ceiling. Everyday, repeating itself, for years and years and years. Everyone around you sees you withering away, they try to lift your spirits but to no avail, I try medication and it works to no avail, I try everything and it just feels like my life has been upended and stolen from me. All of the years have blended together. I'm no longer alive. I don't laugh, I don't get angry, I cry once a blue moon. I've valued friendship so much, having someone there for you, but I'm incapable of fostering a relationship at this point. I'm incapable of being a functioning person. It's hell. Everyone around you thinks you'll beat it and turn out okay, because it's all invisible. The symptoms show up but the pain, the numbness and the inability to live, it's all invisible. I stopped fearing death a long time ago, dying does freak me out but what awaits me are a few minutes of bravery that'll save me from years of unbearable pain. Sometimes I get a slither of hope, that I'll be ok. But I return to this. I need to end it, because I do not feel human anymore. I've lost my soul.
This is another favorite of mine, Final Fantasy 9.
Deep breaths.Drinking it in a minute, please wish me luck for a peaceful transition and give me courage!