DignifiedGrave
GrinderofSouls
- Jul 5, 2026
- 107
Hello world! I am writing this from work. Today, I took my first metoclopramide. I will take another later at 4, and again tonight at 1２, unless i decide to die tonight, then ill have three at 11-11:20.
Anyway. I feel my time is here, this week has been kind and somehow I managed to import meto and sn. I will try to get a benzo but, i wont be needing it. Ill do 600mg ibuprofen with my meto before I drink myself to sleep. Ill report if I live.
The past few weeks ive thought heavily about suicide but this week is the calmest ive been. I feel so calm. Between everything coming in and how good this week has been so far, I suppose im like, destined to cbt. Gonna watch serial experiments lain tonight as much as I can, and well, either between tonight and Saturday ill make my leave.
Also. I started this while working, I been adding on to my draft as the done has gone so sorry if thoughts are disorganized. Actually just finished work and now its my weekend, I feel ready to act and took my second meto a few minutes ago around 430. I think its fine to allow leniency in my schedule. I actually feel totally fine on meto thus far and haven't experienced any weirdness. So thats a big plus. Luckily, with it being my weekend, i don't have to worry about anything. I get to relax, and just, be at peace I guess. And soon, we'll probably find an ever-unfolding expanse of that very peace. I'm we, btw. Dont ask it's just what we be doing.
We'll Sasu. What can I say, except... well ill miss you all. My friends, you know yourselves, ill miss you friends, ill miss every opportunity ive had here to relate and to be related to, to speak without fear of sounding looney, to be in a truly gentle and caring space. Yes, suicide creates the most gentle of spaces.
I just lowkey cant believe im here now, but when i see into the future, I see black, i dont even consider such a thing much anymore. I used to aways think about the future, about what needed to be done, about what I was working for. Ive lost all that this past year, since last October. Now I think "Do i have to awake tomorrow?"
Id rather not. Well... we wont have to... Not anymore, and neither work or eat or smoke, or talk to people. Is that bad? Is it? I dont really think so. I think, right now as I write to you, Sasu, to who I say goodbye, hopefully one last time, I think that, we are killed by suicide not ourselves, I think we are innocent and that suicide is not wrong. Any moralizing of suicide can only harm us who wish not to harm or be harmed. I think, its alright. All those things ill miss, all these people, all you guys... itll be okay. I know itll okay, and now, I am not so scared anymore. I feel good. I always cry when I think im abandoning people, but today, i feel fine. Last night, I stood in my noose for long, I almost went through, and my survival instinct felt so damned low, like something swooped down and lifted it up into the heavens to be my guide. Like I was meant to go through with the act, and when I stepped out, I got back in and thought some more. I only didnt do it because part of me felt that the noose isnt certain enough. I was more scared to wake back up then to leave. So thats why, even if SN might make me suffer, and im not necessarily certain it will, itll be my method of choice. I know when take it, that SN will be very certain and that i will pass. Sasu, give me strength and wish me peace. This weekend, I intent to die.
Anyway. I feel my time is here, this week has been kind and somehow I managed to import meto and sn. I will try to get a benzo but, i wont be needing it. Ill do 600mg ibuprofen with my meto before I drink myself to sleep. Ill report if I live.
The past few weeks ive thought heavily about suicide but this week is the calmest ive been. I feel so calm. Between everything coming in and how good this week has been so far, I suppose im like, destined to cbt. Gonna watch serial experiments lain tonight as much as I can, and well, either between tonight and Saturday ill make my leave.
Also. I started this while working, I been adding on to my draft as the done has gone so sorry if thoughts are disorganized. Actually just finished work and now its my weekend, I feel ready to act and took my second meto a few minutes ago around 430. I think its fine to allow leniency in my schedule. I actually feel totally fine on meto thus far and haven't experienced any weirdness. So thats a big plus. Luckily, with it being my weekend, i don't have to worry about anything. I get to relax, and just, be at peace I guess. And soon, we'll probably find an ever-unfolding expanse of that very peace. I'm we, btw. Dont ask it's just what we be doing.
We'll Sasu. What can I say, except... well ill miss you all. My friends, you know yourselves, ill miss you friends, ill miss every opportunity ive had here to relate and to be related to, to speak without fear of sounding looney, to be in a truly gentle and caring space. Yes, suicide creates the most gentle of spaces.
I just lowkey cant believe im here now, but when i see into the future, I see black, i dont even consider such a thing much anymore. I used to aways think about the future, about what needed to be done, about what I was working for. Ive lost all that this past year, since last October. Now I think "Do i have to awake tomorrow?"
Id rather not. Well... we wont have to... Not anymore, and neither work or eat or smoke, or talk to people. Is that bad? Is it? I dont really think so. I think, right now as I write to you, Sasu, to who I say goodbye, hopefully one last time, I think that, we are killed by suicide not ourselves, I think we are innocent and that suicide is not wrong. Any moralizing of suicide can only harm us who wish not to harm or be harmed. I think, its alright. All those things ill miss, all these people, all you guys... itll be okay. I know itll okay, and now, I am not so scared anymore. I feel good. I always cry when I think im abandoning people, but today, i feel fine. Last night, I stood in my noose for long, I almost went through, and my survival instinct felt so damned low, like something swooped down and lifted it up into the heavens to be my guide. Like I was meant to go through with the act, and when I stepped out, I got back in and thought some more. I only didnt do it because part of me felt that the noose isnt certain enough. I was more scared to wake back up then to leave. So thats why, even if SN might make me suffer, and im not necessarily certain it will, itll be my method of choice. I know when take it, that SN will be very certain and that i will pass. Sasu, give me strength and wish me peace. This weekend, I intent to die.
