Thinking about CTB soon.

[drop]

I am thinking of CTBing soon. I plan on using a shotgun with 00 Buckshot. I'll probably end up doing it in my apartment. Also just got to say, the shotgun I have is a Mossberg 600 New Haven with a wooden frame, and this thing looks incredible. It has a carving of a couple of ducks that I like to look at sometimes. I bought it for this occasion or, if I change my mind, to just go hunting or use it for home defense. Anyways I love this gun.

This is what it almost looks like.


A little about me:
-Virgin ( doesn't bother me as much as it used to)
- early to mid 20s
- atleast 6' 3"
- had an alcoholic dad and a Mom who went to jail for child neglect
- had a rough childhood, going in and out of foster care and to multiple family members
- had the only women who loved me say "I don't care" ( 3 ish years ago, but haunts me)
- had 3 group of friends in my lifetime just disappear/hide from me
- I have no friends outside of work
- Most of my family doesn't contact me unless I call, except for my alcoholic father.

I am more lonelier than ever. Talking to people doesn't make me want to CTB, but I don't want to be in a relationship if it is going to be so draining on the other party to where they just ghost me.

I plan to leave suddenly and quietly. I don't plan to leave a note. The only thing I thought to leave was making all my youtube video public for my parents, even though that shit is embarrassing.

I don't want to live life. I dont want to be alone. I don't want to be baggage for someone else to carry. I love my family and work friends, however I don't love myself enough to keep on living.

I mean the thing that has been troubling rexently is, what is the point of life? I'll probably write another post about my thoughts and takes on that. But for now I just don't see a point or meaning.

Idk I'm all over the place. I feel like things won't mater anymore once I'm gone.

 

[lost_one]

I am so sorry for your lonliness. It is one of the most difficult things in life, cause you can't force people to want to be around you it is somewhat out of our control, sadly being depressed doesn't help, cause people don't like being around someone that will bum them out, it sucks at least here you can try to talk to some people.

Life is hard and I struggle a lot with that... with wishing things were easier.

About the meaning thing, I personally don't belive life has an inherent meaning, life has the meaning we give to it... no one is going to be the chosen one, or have it's fate determined by some higher force, most of us are meaningless, but although hard to see there is some freedom in that, that you can make of life what you will, at least in theory.

Good luck, and I hope you find peace in whatever you decide

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best in what you decide.