Things that can currently comfort me

[noname223]

For more details read the other thread in suicide discussion of me.

I don't know the notion of suicide and not existing can comfort me the most currently.
I feel mentally so fucked. I took a whole benzo and still I am fragile as fuck.
The anxiety is so hard that through the roof is an understatement.
When I thought yes she might die and imagined my suicide in the near future I was calm. I was determined to do it. And in some sense this comforted me. No more shit, no more pain and bascially a scenario ended my life which I had no major influence on. Despite the fact my family would blame probably me.

I had the feeling to deal with my own suicide was easier than the rest. But be careful what you wish for.

I am even way more anxious about that my mom becomes a nursing patient. The thing I am now extremely anxious about is a new relapse. Currently I feel really like getting a relapse. But getting the relapse could stress my mom so much that she dies.
This would be the most nighmarish scenario I could think of. And that this happens is not that unlikely. When I was severely depressed my family and I started and argument about the past abuse. My graddad died because of it some years ago I am anxious this could repeat.

So not existing comforted me the most. I listen to sad music of Lil Peep and Juice WRLD. I thought well I might die young but at least I lived longer than these two young talented men.

Moreover I thought at least I will die without this psychosomatic pain. There are two scenarios why I kill myself. Either I get a relapse with this insane pain again and kill myself during a major depression. This would be quite difficult because my family members and doctors would know about my suicidality.
The other scenario are things like my parents who support me die early. So early that I cannot pay for my own living. I think it is very unlikely I cannot work but I would have liked to try it after getting a degree at coillege. College will take 5-6 years to get a degree in the best case. I am very fragile and only can study part-time. The thought to die without ever experiencing this extreme pain again was comforting.

I am sorry I cannot help other members with more positive threads. I am just utterly shocked and very tired. I think I will take another emergency medication and sleep soon. Sadly not forever. I am really anxious she dies soon. Maybe tomorrow. This all hit me a little bit without enough preparation. I thought other sorrows would be now more acute.

Yeah my life just became way way worse. Within a day. Fuck my life.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really is so dreadful how in this life things can very easily get worse for people, causing them to suffer so extremely. The existence of life really is nothing but a cruel mistake, how can anyone really see life positively when all of this endless pain will continue to exist in this world. Suffering is simply inevitable in a life like this and I do believe that usually as time goes on, life just gets worse and worse.

I actually think that there is nothing more comforting than the thought of permanent non existence as to die removes the true cause of all problems in the first place, which is life itself, and there will simply be nothing, not even the awareness that we are dead. Those who no longer exist are lucky as they have no more worries or concerns. At least for me there isn't much comfort to be found in this life.
I'm sorry that you are going through all this.