They told me it would get better

[body_snatcher]

What a joke. I've been stuck like this since I can remember. Sometimes I feel like ctb is inevitable eventually, like one day I'm not going to be able to stop myself. Thirteen years like this and I'm still as mentally ill. All I wanted was a break. They abused and neglected me and they act like nothing happened, and I still can't help but love them and be obsessed with them because they're my parents and they're as fucked up as I am.

I get these flashbacks where I'm sobbing uncontrollably and all I want to do is ctb, just to make the pain stop. The worst part is I can't tell anyone, suicidality to them is a "thing I got over" and I can't say much to keep myself from getting carted off somewhere. People who tried to help just threw me into therapy which seems like the solution, I don't blame them, but therapy barely did anything. I'd beg them for solutions and ask them how to make it stop and they'd make these long winded tree metaphors and talk about deep breathing. They aren't wrong for some people but my trauma runs so deep it has left me broken.

My good moments are the ones where I forget. I'm either distracted or high most of the time because when I remember and the ptsd kicks in it feels like confronting the most disgusting horrible reality. they diagnosed me bipolar 1, lost cause, I don't know what's wrong with me. I have these dreams and I feel like an idiot for even thinking about them the older I get. I've been picking at my skin since I was a little kid and I can't stop, and I can't figure out how to stop SHing. I can't think of a reason why I shouldn't I'm that disconnected from myself. I don't understand why it's wrong. I just feel like if I try to get help they'll let me down like every mental health professional I've ever dealt with. The meds they prescribed me made me almost ctb against my actual will, it was like I was a puppet being moved by some unseen force. It was awful, and then other the meds gave me a throat rash. Then she wanted me on meds that would potentially paralyze me and that's when I walked away. They can't help me with pills I tried everything I could. I just want to be good I just want some peace. I'm afraid to ctb because I think a lot of my family would be at risk to copy me but I just wish they knew how much effort it has taken me in my life to just still be here. My entire life I have been minimized and I feel crushed. I'm sorry for the ramble I'm just all messed up right now, I realized my mom doesn't really love me and it sent me down the drain

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so horrible what you've had to go through, to me it's just so incredibly cruel how we exist in a world where people suffer so much all through no fault of their own. I certainly believe that people shouldn't procreate as it would prevent all human torment.

 

[aitouka]

I am so sorry. No one should guarantee you that 'it will be better'. I understand how hard it is, still loving someone who hates you, and I know it is impossible to simply not care or not love. But loving someone doesn't mean tolerating all their actions. Your parents are terrible, and perhaps they are fucked up in terms of mental health as well, but you still don't deserve any of the bad treatment they gave you. I'm sorry you had unfortunate experiences with mental health professionals, they're not for everyone certainly as we are all different. Yes, mental illnesses are not easy to overcome, and you might not be able to overcome them in your lifetime, but trust that we are here for you and you are welcome to vent here whenever you wish. Good luck and wish you the best.