body_snatcher
green and lonely
- Jan 23, 2023
- 39
What a joke. I've been stuck like this since I can remember. Sometimes I feel like ctb is inevitable eventually, like one day I'm not going to be able to stop myself. Thirteen years like this and I'm still as mentally ill. All I wanted was a break. They abused and neglected me and they act like nothing happened, and I still can't help but love them and be obsessed with them because they're my parents and they're as fucked up as I am.
I get these flashbacks where I'm sobbing uncontrollably and all I want to do is ctb, just to make the pain stop. The worst part is I can't tell anyone, suicidality to them is a "thing I got over" and I can't say much to keep myself from getting carted off somewhere. People who tried to help just threw me into therapy which seems like the solution, I don't blame them, but therapy barely did anything. I'd beg them for solutions and ask them how to make it stop and they'd make these long winded tree metaphors and talk about deep breathing. They aren't wrong for some people but my trauma runs so deep it has left me broken.
My good moments are the ones where I forget. I'm either distracted or high most of the time because when I remember and the ptsd kicks in it feels like confronting the most disgusting horrible reality. they diagnosed me bipolar 1, lost cause, I don't know what's wrong with me. I have these dreams and I feel like an idiot for even thinking about them the older I get. I've been picking at my skin since I was a little kid and I can't stop, and I can't figure out how to stop SHing. I can't think of a reason why I shouldn't I'm that disconnected from myself. I don't understand why it's wrong. I just feel like if I try to get help they'll let me down like every mental health professional I've ever dealt with. The meds they prescribed me made me almost ctb against my actual will, it was like I was a puppet being moved by some unseen force. It was awful, and then other the meds gave me a throat rash. Then she wanted me on meds that would potentially paralyze me and that's when I walked away. They can't help me with pills I tried everything I could. I just want to be good I just want some peace. I'm afraid to ctb because I think a lot of my family would be at risk to copy me but I just wish they knew how much effort it has taken me in my life to just still be here. My entire life I have been minimized and I feel crushed. I'm sorry for the ramble I'm just all messed up right now, I realized my mom doesn't really love me and it sent me down the drain
I get these flashbacks where I'm sobbing uncontrollably and all I want to do is ctb, just to make the pain stop. The worst part is I can't tell anyone, suicidality to them is a "thing I got over" and I can't say much to keep myself from getting carted off somewhere. People who tried to help just threw me into therapy which seems like the solution, I don't blame them, but therapy barely did anything. I'd beg them for solutions and ask them how to make it stop and they'd make these long winded tree metaphors and talk about deep breathing. They aren't wrong for some people but my trauma runs so deep it has left me broken.
My good moments are the ones where I forget. I'm either distracted or high most of the time because when I remember and the ptsd kicks in it feels like confronting the most disgusting horrible reality. they diagnosed me bipolar 1, lost cause, I don't know what's wrong with me. I have these dreams and I feel like an idiot for even thinking about them the older I get. I've been picking at my skin since I was a little kid and I can't stop, and I can't figure out how to stop SHing. I can't think of a reason why I shouldn't I'm that disconnected from myself. I don't understand why it's wrong. I just feel like if I try to get help they'll let me down like every mental health professional I've ever dealt with. The meds they prescribed me made me almost ctb against my actual will, it was like I was a puppet being moved by some unseen force. It was awful, and then other the meds gave me a throat rash. Then she wanted me on meds that would potentially paralyze me and that's when I walked away. They can't help me with pills I tried everything I could. I just want to be good I just want some peace. I'm afraid to ctb because I think a lot of my family would be at risk to copy me but I just wish they knew how much effort it has taken me in my life to just still be here. My entire life I have been minimized and I feel crushed. I'm sorry for the ramble I'm just all messed up right now, I realized my mom doesn't really love me and it sent me down the drain