These burning lights will be out by morning. (My goodbye post)

[Fucking loving it]

I hope you're at peace now. Sorry I missed you. Order me a tequila. Straight up. ♡

 

[Jai]

My name is Ben, and I'm gonna to CTB tonight. If anyone cares and is interested, I live in the Bournemouth area of the uk. IF it hits the news, that's the region you wanna look at.

So I don't really know what to say, I feel I've already expressed myself in my last couple posts.
This place has been the only place I feel somewhat comfortable, ALL you beautiful people, so caring, so much love to give, you're all deserving of peace, whichever way you choose to seek it.

I apologise for my...inability to connect with others, you all tried so hard, and I feel I never gave back, well, not recently anyway, you see I've lost that ability, along with my humanity, there is only one option for me now, now that I've burned every bridge and backed myself into a corner that I'm unable to leave.

I'm not going to name individuals, why make this personal now right?

But to everyone I have spoken to, be it brief or in depth, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to care, speak to me, think of me, everyword that ever cross your lips (well, fingers). Thank you. And for anyone reading this i didn't speak to, I wish you well on your journey.

That's my table of accessories for the evening. I was going to post a recent picture, but I look like shit, it's me on the left and my brother (r.i.p) on the right, doing the ' joe strummer snarl'

I went saw my canine best friend today, I'm glad I done that.
I did fuck up though, I deleted all my accounts and what not, and lost all my numbers, so I won't be sending a timed text to anyone. Not what I wanted, I don't want to be rotting, oh well.

I've still got some bits to do, but I'm pretty much there. Thought I better write this before it gets too late.

Thank you to everyone.
Tell me your favourite drinks! I'll make sure they're on order for when you get to the other side, as I hear the bar is always open in the 4th dimension.
I will be waiting for you all, with my arms out stretched.

I love you all. May all your journeys find the peace you're looking for.

Enjoy the whiskey the cigar think of good times and let the lights burn out peace may you find yours

 

[TheLastTrip]

We didn't speak much but I always enjoyed reading your posts and I wish you well and hope everything goes smoothly. I know you have been struggling a lot recently so I hope you can now enjoy your peace, see you in the 4th dimension bud, but no nasty whiskey for me please ;)

 

[KadathianStr1d3r]

This is my first time Ive had the pleasure of reading your posts Ben and even though we never have talked I will say just from reading your stuff that youre a really great guy. Good luck on your journey Ben, I wont forget you, farewell you good sir!

 

[Broken Blue]

Thank you for the warm welcome you gave me here. I'm sorry to see you go but wishing you all the best with it tonight and only peace from here on. Farewell

 

[Weeping Garbage Can]

I truly hope you're at peace now, Ben <3

 

[Rose]

Hope you've found what you were looking for, Ben. Sorry I missed you
Thank you for all you've contributed to this community. Sleep well!

 

[Nem]

Ben, thanks for enriching my life from meeting you, you were one of the first people to message me on here and you've always been a super human being.
I wish you extreme peace with no anxieties whatsoever, till we meet again bro!
Peace hugs!!!

 

[BurningLights]

Guys I fucked up, was getting all ready, tightening it down, trying to find the sweet spot, something didn't feel right, everything felt extra sensitive and painful, thought no biggy, I'll just do it in the morning, just woken up (4am) and I feel fucking ill as fuck. Either the pizza was bad, or the combination of it all, certainly feels like food poisoning.
Problem being, I deleted my Google account, EVERYTHING. even snapped my sim card, that's the fuck up here, if say, my parents try and call, they're gonna start to ask questions, and come Sunday, fuck knows what I'm gonna do about seeing my daughter, if I'm too I'll to leave the flat, then i cant even phone and explain what's happening, and if anyone comes round, they might suspect something as all my stuff is now piled up on my bed (this is behind the door though, so hopefully they don't notice) But shit, what a predicament. I'm not panicking or going crazy, too bloody Ill, but it's running through my mind, what the fuck do I do? Gonna have to play it by ear, one thing at a time.
I'm gonna try and get some sleep, and hope I don't shit myself.

How many fucking times have I done this now?? Fuck sake, I'm sorry for upsetting you all. This is not whats supposed to happen. *Deep sigh*

 

[Fucking loving it]

Take care of yourself. Sending love to you ♡

 

[bigj75]

OP is still online. Hope it's still successful.

 

[Kooz]

Sometimes things happen man. Just go by ear like you said. Take everything in stride.

Sorry about the potentially bad pizza man. I just had some myself and I've been in the bathroom for the last hour heh.

I might not be able to respond right away, but you know where to find me

 

[bigj75]

Dominos pizza is so gross.

 

[starcrossedfate]

Goodbye, Ben.

 

[Suicidalsamurai]

Its always eery to read people's goodbye threads, but this one was strangely calming. You have a vibe around you like no other, ben. Never lose that, and make sure you order me a 20oz margerita, Ill be in a partying mood

 

[Kyrok]

So, your suicide note is about benzo addiction. I take it that you had a few good years from them, then you were chasing?

 

[longingforrelease]

Oh Ben. Like all the others, I have really appreciated your presence here. I especially value the exchanges we've had. Blessings to you brother. I trust you will find the peace you so deserve.

 

[bigj75]

Holy shit his status is offline. He either did it or went to bed. Hope he is ok.

 

[BurningLights]

Thank you guys, I'm so embarrassed this has happened.

Just trying to get some rest at the moment, can't sleep though. This has turned into a shit show.
I'm hoping I'll be feeling better 2moro evening, my skin is sore to touch all over, no way I'm doing it feeling like this. I'm sorry you are left wondering on my status. That's fucked up.
I will sign off for now, (give me sleeeeep)
And report back later.

So, your suicide note is about benzo addiction. I take it that you had a few good years from them, then you were chasing?

Not entirely about withdrawal, just where I started, as that's where all my problems started.


And for those wondering my method, I'm going via the night night method.


I keep thinking I'm gonna get found out, too many clues(?) Signs (?) There is something wrong, I feel like someone's bound to check on me.
Ughhh, when will this end....

 

[worldexploder]

Hey buddy. I'm very sorry things didn't work out for you. You deserve love and support. You don't have anything to be embarrassed about in my opinion nor do you owe any of us an apology. When it comes to CTB, there are far more failed attempts than they are successes. I for one failed twice. Same with many others in this group. We understand. If dying was easy this place would be empty. My heart goes out to ya.

 

[Help_Me]

Get well, mate ! And sorry to hear something went wrong. I guess that's because you either had food poison or just being ill (sometimes our body feels much more pain when needed in such conditions). I'll be checking your status and presence here, mate. All my thoughts with you.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry about your failed attempt and I hope you are able to succeed in the future. Having second thoughts, doubts, and fighting the survival instinct as well as trying to not get caught is really, really difficult especially when doing all that at once.

 

[Broken Blue]

To echo the above

I'm sorry it didn't go to plan for you, you have our support here in any circumstances.. no worries on that front. As tough as it is I hope you can get some rest and take each step as it comes with smoothing those things over for the time being, have a chance to recollect

 

[lv-gras]

burninglights,

many hugs. maybe just borrow a phone or get a cheap burner one, tell them your phone broke or malfunctioned or something and that you'll need time to get it fixed. maybe you can just get some time for yourself, you deserve it.

hugs

 

[1234dave]

I take it he managed to ctb this morning?

Hoping ben is finally at peace

 

[BurningLights]

Again, thank you guys, I'm in a weird place today, it almost feels like I've lost the will to ctb. However, I'm still working on getting the rig sorted, trying different sized padding. It's gonna be today/tonight.

However I've started thinking of calling the crisis team, if I can't do it, then I need something to shake from the ground up, I think being sectioned would show everyone how serious this is....wait...I can't phone anyone....huh, scrap that. Looks like I'll keep practicing for now.
To top it off, I'm out of fags, I really don't want to go out. Is ctb over no smokes a viable reason??

 

[Threads]

We care about you, and we're going to support you and be here for you, no matter what.

 

[Empty Smile]

I'll smoke one for you Burning Lights... I know it won't help you much, but it will for me!

We still here for you, no matter what man. Sorry it didn't work out for you, but at least you still got us.

 

[Chinaski]

Thank you guys, I'm so embarrassed this has happened.

Absolutely no need to feel embarrassed, this has happened to each and every one of us here, I'd wager.

 

[skitliv]

Don't beat yourself too much, this is hard as hell, otherwise none of us would still be here