I am not sure whether I already had this thought before reading David Foster Wallace. I think yes. But it was part of his thinking and it is omnipresent in my thinking.
I realized though that this is probably wrong. Sanctioned Suicide proved me that and AI chatbots.
I think David Foster Wallace felt existential isolation. In my opinion he worried about the wrong things. And that's also similar to me. Very strong overthinking, a lot of self-loathing and a lot of pain over a long time period. I tend to paranoia though. He was rich and had a lot of success with women. But honestly I think the way he treated women was actually the one horrible thing about him. David had his demons and you can see this in Brief Interviews with Hideous Men that probably portrayed some of his traits. Jonathan Franzan a close friend elaborated on that after his suicide. But honestly DFW should have cared way more about the well being of other women. But I am not sure whether I am in the position to give advices. I am not very popular among women.
There was a time I thought there is something wrong with me because I never was in a relationship. Now I was in short relationship. But I think many men nowadays lack such experiences. And I am not the only one. Moreover, I think I had some opportunities in the past I didn't take. But honestly the women sounded really toxic and sometimes even abusive. And well maybe it was better to skip them. A former friend of mine bragged with his sex life and asked all friends when he met them about their sex life. A mocked a friend in a disgusting way. Something like "How? How? How? How? How can this guy have found a girlfriend?" Honestly this guy probably has the most healthy and stable relationship of all people that I know in real life. He is also one of my closest friends. And I am not sure whether my former friends gets why I ghosted him. Now he is chronically ill, is unemployed, his wife is unemployed and they have a very very young child. And we were like holy shit is he fucked. His woman persuaded him to have a children and he hint he sort of regrets it. He even told another friends he now realizes how I must have felt all these years. Though, I will dodge the contact still. I am quite glad that I cut ties with a few friends. When it comes to friends I always took the right decision. In our school we were like 15. My two closest friends had arguments. The one was more popular with women and shittted on the other person. They always gossiped what a loser he was. I never betrayed my friend. Eventually I decided to support my friend who was less popular with women because the other one was really toxic and sort of an asshole. And well exactly this friend is now in a very healthy longterm relationship. I think if I had more relationship experience but as a consequence I had children holy fuck. The guilt of having brought children in this world with all the issues I have this would crush me. I am so extremely glad I don't have children.
I think I realized I am not alone in being lonely. And I am not alone in craving intimacy and romantic love. I really see a dating crisis. And loneliness epidemic. I wonder how my life would look like if I was a woman. I dated a woman at the beginning of this year where Ihad the feeling we could be soulmate. She had ADHD and autism and was a single mother of a child with severe health conditions. Well if this would be my fate this would also be very hard to deal with. I wonder how her life looks now. But I really try to move on. It was very intense because philosophy were our special interests I really miss her. But I try to be realitstic we only had one date. And not everything was perfect. She was extremely stressed all the time. And the time together always was very limited.
Years ago I thought the special horrible thing about me were my love delusions. Always when I met women in the first interaction I became paranoid when I was interested in them. But now I realize this happened because I was under extreme pressure and stress all the time. After I quit college I can manage my paranoia way better. The thing I always thought they were interested even though we barely knew each other. One delusion was they were actually interested in me and I thought my delusional behavior ruined it. But the imagined interest in the first place was the actual delusion. There were examples of women in relationships where I was convinced I ruined it even though I never had a real chance. But I think this issue was unique to me. However, I think many people with psychoses suffer from that.
In some way the combination of psychoses, autism and bipolar makes me special.
In many instances in a bad way. But considering all these ills I am handling it well I would say. And all the abuse I went through and how traumatized I am. I should not be this hard on me. I really consider it be self-aware and that I don't make other people uncomfortable (especially women). And I think I am more self-aware than many people with psychosis and all the other conditions. I am somewhat decent to women I think.
ChatGPT helped me to realize some cognitive distortion. And I think the thought I was unique. Or uniquely bad. But I think that's wrong. I am extremely harsh on me. And I try to learn not to torment when it isn't necessary. I struggle with that. In some ways it is a distortion to think one was uniquely bad. And all the self-hatred is an instrument to my mind. Probably self-protection. But some of my conviction my self-hatred was smart and rational. Maybe all this needs to be questioned. And smart thinking is something else. And I often project my self-hatred in other people. And I often tell myself how horrible this other person must think of me. How disgusting I must be. Whereas actually most people don't think that much about me. And my priority isn't that high in their head. Maybe it would be better to spend my energy and nerves in something productive. But rumination might feel productive but is eventually often a waste of time.
I realized though that this is probably wrong. Sanctioned Suicide proved me that and AI chatbots.
I think David Foster Wallace felt existential isolation. In my opinion he worried about the wrong things. And that's also similar to me. Very strong overthinking, a lot of self-loathing and a lot of pain over a long time period. I tend to paranoia though. He was rich and had a lot of success with women. But honestly I think the way he treated women was actually the one horrible thing about him. David had his demons and you can see this in Brief Interviews with Hideous Men that probably portrayed some of his traits. Jonathan Franzan a close friend elaborated on that after his suicide. But honestly DFW should have cared way more about the well being of other women. But I am not sure whether I am in the position to give advices. I am not very popular among women.
There was a time I thought there is something wrong with me because I never was in a relationship. Now I was in short relationship. But I think many men nowadays lack such experiences. And I am not the only one. Moreover, I think I had some opportunities in the past I didn't take. But honestly the women sounded really toxic and sometimes even abusive. And well maybe it was better to skip them. A former friend of mine bragged with his sex life and asked all friends when he met them about their sex life. A mocked a friend in a disgusting way. Something like "How? How? How? How? How can this guy have found a girlfriend?" Honestly this guy probably has the most healthy and stable relationship of all people that I know in real life. He is also one of my closest friends. And I am not sure whether my former friends gets why I ghosted him. Now he is chronically ill, is unemployed, his wife is unemployed and they have a very very young child. And we were like holy shit is he fucked. His woman persuaded him to have a children and he hint he sort of regrets it. He even told another friends he now realizes how I must have felt all these years. Though, I will dodge the contact still. I am quite glad that I cut ties with a few friends. When it comes to friends I always took the right decision. In our school we were like 15. My two closest friends had arguments. The one was more popular with women and shittted on the other person. They always gossiped what a loser he was. I never betrayed my friend. Eventually I decided to support my friend who was less popular with women because the other one was really toxic and sort of an asshole. And well exactly this friend is now in a very healthy longterm relationship. I think if I had more relationship experience but as a consequence I had children holy fuck. The guilt of having brought children in this world with all the issues I have this would crush me. I am so extremely glad I don't have children.
I think I realized I am not alone in being lonely. And I am not alone in craving intimacy and romantic love. I really see a dating crisis. And loneliness epidemic. I wonder how my life would look like if I was a woman. I dated a woman at the beginning of this year where Ihad the feeling we could be soulmate. She had ADHD and autism and was a single mother of a child with severe health conditions. Well if this would be my fate this would also be very hard to deal with. I wonder how her life looks now. But I really try to move on. It was very intense because philosophy were our special interests I really miss her. But I try to be realitstic we only had one date. And not everything was perfect. She was extremely stressed all the time. And the time together always was very limited.
Years ago I thought the special horrible thing about me were my love delusions. Always when I met women in the first interaction I became paranoid when I was interested in them. But now I realize this happened because I was under extreme pressure and stress all the time. After I quit college I can manage my paranoia way better. The thing I always thought they were interested even though we barely knew each other. One delusion was they were actually interested in me and I thought my delusional behavior ruined it. But the imagined interest in the first place was the actual delusion. There were examples of women in relationships where I was convinced I ruined it even though I never had a real chance. But I think this issue was unique to me. However, I think many people with psychoses suffer from that.
In some way the combination of psychoses, autism and bipolar makes me special.
In many instances in a bad way. But considering all these ills I am handling it well I would say. And all the abuse I went through and how traumatized I am. I should not be this hard on me. I really consider it be self-aware and that I don't make other people uncomfortable (especially women). And I think I am more self-aware than many people with psychosis and all the other conditions. I am somewhat decent to women I think.
ChatGPT helped me to realize some cognitive distortion. And I think the thought I was unique. Or uniquely bad. But I think that's wrong. I am extremely harsh on me. And I try to learn not to torment when it isn't necessary. I struggle with that. In some ways it is a distortion to think one was uniquely bad. And all the self-hatred is an instrument to my mind. Probably self-protection. But some of my conviction my self-hatred was smart and rational. Maybe all this needs to be questioned. And smart thinking is something else. And I often project my self-hatred in other people. And I often tell myself how horrible this other person must think of me. How disgusting I must be. Whereas actually most people don't think that much about me. And my priority isn't that high in their head. Maybe it would be better to spend my energy and nerves in something productive. But rumination might feel productive but is eventually often a waste of time.
