There is no way back

[unabletocope]

I was born into a life where despite everything I've learned, accumulated, been through, discovered, appreciated, acknowledged, the fundamental truth is I can't stop getting things wrong, I do things 'the wrong way', the 'wrong way' is subjective of course and I accept that but I think there's a general sense of when something is wrong, when someone is doing something wrong, when something feels wrong and there's suddenly a bad taste, a lingering smell that people pick up on. All my life, despite my drive my optimism and my hope, I've always managed to stumble into this pitfall and it varies, sometimes it's manageable and you sort of shake it off but sometimes it is so critically serious and terminal that you find that you're living upside down, inside out, swimming and shitting in your wreckage and one day you find you've become a 30 year old going back to a 5 year old, struggling to eat get out of bed wanting to shut down and struggling to string sentences together. I'm clearly stringing sentences together now but I'm getting ready to die, for all my faults I will get my death right, my death will never put my life right and everyone who got the better of me in life will always elude me, but I will get my death right and no one can take that away from me, no one can prevent me from taking myself out of this mistake of a life, I am ready to correct myself once and for all
One thing about being in this kind of position as well- absolutely anything and everything you say is disregarded as trash, in general that's impossible and whenever you have something that is important that gets disregarded as well

 

[melancholymallory03]

I was born into a life where despite everything I've learned, accumulated, been through, discovered, appreciated, acknowledged, the fundamental truth is I can't stop getting things wrong, I do things 'the wrong way', the 'wrong way' is subjective of course and I accept that but I think there's a general sense of when something is wrong, when someone is doing something wrong, when something feels wrong and there's suddenly a bad taste, a lingering smell that people pick up on. All my life, despite my drive my optimism and my hope, I've always managed to stumble into this pitfall and it varies, sometimes it's manageable and you sort of shake it off but sometimes it is so critically serious and terminal that you find that you're living upside down, inside out, swimming and shitting in your wreckage and one day you find you've become a 30 year old going back to a 5 year old, struggling to eat get out of bed wanting to shut down and struggling to string sentences together. I'm clearly stringing sentences together now but I'm getting ready to die, for all my faults I will get my death right, my death will never put my life right and everyone who got the better of me in life will always elude me, but I will get my death right and no one can take that away from me, no one can prevent me from taking myself out of this mistake of a life, I am ready to correct myself once and for all
One thing about being in this kind of position as well- absolutely anything and everything you say is disregarded as trash, in general that's impossible and whenever you have something that is important that gets disregarded as well

I'm so sorry you're in so much pain , nobody deserves this

I like what you said about living upside down a lot.

I'm wishing you peace and comfort on you're journey .