well i'm back😭

[deadpornstarr!]

i got banned for a little while because of age verification stuffs ... i didn't appeal it for a while caus i was feeling better mostly ... appealed it eventually when i was having a pretty bad day but i haven't felt the need to log back in since then ... uuuuuuuntil now. of course things can't just stay calm.

i had a mental breakdown yesterday, like a terrifyingly serious one. it felt like a bad trip except scarier because i knew i was sober for it. basic conversations were giving me panic attacks to the point of laughing hysterically, hyperventilating, crying... i was so convinced everybody wanted me gone. like i had to get out of everyone's sight, hide away, disappear forever... i felt like i couldn't trust my senses, like everybody was lying to me, like i did something so wrong nobody would ever love me again, everything was fuzzy and woozy and i could barely drag myself out of bed for most of the afternoon...

and then i got a couple hours of good sleep after all that... and now it is 3am, and i woke up to an almost immediate panic attack over how gender dysphoric my body is for me. i tried to look online for advice but i only feel more alone now because it seems like i'm the only person in the world who's this sensitive about this stuff... ugh.

maybe its just the in-the-moment anxiety talking, but im really doubting that the happy times are ever gonna last. this is gonna be the whole rest of my life, isn't it. i think i need to just forget about anything in my life that isn't an exit plan. i need out. :(