Last year was quite an awful awakening for me. I've been suicidal since I was 10 and I'm 32 now. I've had my absolute desires to just fucking die throughout those years, but I never had a reliable method. I only learned of this forum until about a month ago, which fucking sucks.
Anyways, last year, I got my first real job in June. It payed exceedingly well for someone with no real job history. In July, my mom collapsed and couldn't get back up. She was very lethargic and couldn't form structured sentences. So my step-dad and I took her to the hospital and I found out that she had diabetes. She never told me about it and left it untreated. So they kept her there for a few days and then moved her to a nursing home. So starting at that point, I had to take over the finances, which I hadn't the slightest idea of what I was doing because my upbringing was far from the norm.
My step-dad was/is a very weird and crazy dude. I've never gotten along with him and he's never been able to really function on his own. So I had to pretty much hold his hand through everything, like setting up appointments for him to see his doctor, be his gps.. because he's afraid of technology or some shit. I had to make calls with him there to figure out the state of our finances, which he had no fuckin idea about. He would have dramatic breakdowns when he found out how much we were in debt, even though we've been in debt for years and he was there signing all the paperwork and shit. Ugh. He was a nightmare to live with.
So one day, he had some kind of memory lapse when he was trying to see my mom and went to the hospital that my mom was at.. she's been in the nursing home for about 2 months at this point. So they admitted him saying that he was confused af, delirious, acting manic and so on. I reached out to his daughter and told her what happened. I want to say 2 days later, she was in our apartment scoping out the place for furniture that she wanted to take. Totally taking advantage of the situation.. I confronted her about it, told her to leave, called the cops and was put on hold for 30m. She left before I could talk to anyone.
She then went to the hospital and started acting like the only reason she came down from Oregon was to be with her dad. She took him back up to Oregon without telling me or my mom. At this point, I thought he was going to get out of the hospital and return to the apartment, so I used his card to help pay the rent. Shortly after I found out he was in Oregon, the landlady told me that animal control was called and they were going to stop by the next day. I fucking wonder who called them.. I had to go to work that day and was freaking out that my cats were going to be taken away. I returned home to a slip of paper that said they were called because my cats were living in unsanitary conditions. Not true in the slightest..
So now I'm living in this apartment alone. I can't afford to pay 3600 a month by myself. I have a month to figure out where to move, I can only bring my shit with me, and the apartment is fucking cluttered with all of their shit. As the month looms to the end, I've not found a place that allows 3 cats. I'm freaking out, asking if my coworkers can take my cats, no one can. Luckily a coworker said I could crash on his couch for a month, but I can't bring my cats. The time comes when I have to vacate.
Here comes a fantastic whirl of events. My landlady tells me that the payment for the last 2 months was rejected by the bank. It turns out that my stepsister had called the bank to fight the charges, so now I owe 5500. Super fucking awesome. I move what little I have to my coworkers place. I left my cats in the apartment overnight with plenty of food and water. I get a call from the landlady saying that if I don't take my cats, she will have no choice but to call animal control and they'll come after me for abandoning them. My friend finally says that she will take them in, so I buy a bus ticket to bring them up to her. Turns out busses don't allow animals. Great. I'm breaking down, crying and shit. I've lost all hope. She then sets me up in an air b&b for the night, flies down and picks them up the next day.
So now I'm living with my coworker. I was so grateful that he took me in. I decided to show my gratitude by paying for all his groceries, I gave him 400 as rent, I payed for his gas, if he wanted to go out, I payed for that. I'm starting to feel the hurt, but whatever I guess. He would drive me to work and back. Sometimes he would ditch me to go get laid, so Uber it was.. he lives far away from work. One night it costed me 80 bucks to get home. I was pissed, but hey, I don't matter so it's fine. He starts treating me like shit after a week, calling me stupid, talking down to me. I hate life some more now. I finally find a cheap place to live that's within walking distance of work. Yay, a break! My best friend blocks me.. frowny face.
Shits moving on at this point, I'm visiting my mom twice a week. Here comes December! The happy month.. I find out early December that my mom has terminal cancer. The cancer was too big to get a biopsy, so the only thing I could do was to put her on hospice care. She died two weeks ago. I was at the nursing home when she passed. She never complained of any pain until her final day. Because of that, she was only allowed a low dosage of morphine because, well, I don't know all that medical jargon, but yea. She was in excruciating pain. She kept asking me to stay, and don't leave. The nurses came in and said they needed to change her, so I stepped outside to get some air. About 5 minutes later, a nurse came outside and said she thinks my mom died. Fuck me. I wasn't fucking there.. when she died. Like what the fuck. I rush back to her room and there's a bunch of nurses standing around my mom and I hear one of them laughing. ??? She was so fucking pale and had a horrible death gaze.
She was the only family I had and I only stayed alive for her. I couldn't put her through my death because of the hell I put her through while growing up. I so fucking regret everything. I wish I never exploded and told her I wanted to die. Repeatedly. She fucking loved me and did her best to give me hope. She deserved better.
Wtb CTB pst.
