PsychedeliaSuicide
Suiciding to get isekai'd to the 60s
- Jun 29, 2026
- 3
I hope what I am going to type makes sense. It might all sound silly. Though I think this is the only space I can vent about this without just being told to hang on instead of myself. I'm 20 years old, and while I understand that I'm young and have so much life left in me, due to circumstances that I am going to explain I already have the feeling of someone who has been living an "unlived life." Jung's psychology is a favorite of mine, and thinking about my unconscious, this has helped me understand a part of myself I have been struggling with. The idea of an "unlived life" is someone who does not take their desired path out of some blockage, typically a neurosis or fear, which will eventually blossom into a mid-life crisis and envy if not brought to the conscious mind.
I'm suicidal, yet I have a strong drive, and so I'm always trying to give myself chances to turn myself around. Whenever I think of reasons why I am still here or to keep marching on, it is the want to learn and curiosity, mostly concerning philosophy, psychology, language, literature, art, and music. Yet, I have ADHD. To be clear, I do have many better reasons to kill myself, but this is directly conflicting with my reason to live, so I feel as though it's actually the one that makes sense to act on. I find that I have an incredible drive and passion that most others don't have, and I'm meticulous in my interests that I want to know everything. So, for example, I have a friend who likes philosophy, but only likes to know the general ideas of the authors, and I would actually like to read the full books of their thought. Which, if this is the impression given, this isn't to condescend or say that's better or anything, but just to highlight what I mean. I'm just thorough and don't feel fulfilled easily. All because I have ADHD, what takes others a few days can take me weeks, or worse months, or God forbid, I don't finish it because I think so hard about the action it exhausts me. So while I have a greater passion than them, I'm usually met with the same results or, honestly, most of the time, worse. This applies to school too, which if I was able to turn it work on time, I'd have wasted so much of my free-time I couldn't even if I wanted to! Overtime, I've been completely dissatisfied and have this intense feeling of unfulfillment. Time is causing me dread. And I'm just so tired.
As for trying to fix it, I did have to battle for my teen years trying to figure out what's right for me. My parents never bothered to get medication for me. Money was never an issue, they didn't care to move the process forward, besides the medication I was prescribed for depression in the psych ward. Now that I'm 20, it would have to come from me, and I don't have the money right now and won't be able to for a while. I don't want to wait. As for my personal approaches, I had tried going against my ADHD, which is never a good idea. It's just mental torture and fatigue. Then, I tried going with it which... that doesn't work for my ambitions. It still takes so much time, and most of the time my hyperfixations are short-term (and sometimes meaningless), when everything I want is long-term. Eventually, I realized if I can directly train my dopamine, and I nearly reached a point where I was happy. It finally felt like I was excelling and enjoying the fruits of life... and then it shattered, all with one hyperfixation I locked into. I literally reverted completely within a month. This was a year ago now, and I'm frankly paralyzed by anxiety of every aspect in the situation. By the time I have wasted trying to survive (in other aspects compared to this) and by the fact if I put in months worth of effort to get to an excellent point it can turn at the drop of a hat? I'm depressed.
And God. This is more of a tangent, but the people who spout all positivity about neuro-divergency piss me off. Obviously, I agree ableism is a problema and you shouldn't be ashamed of yourself for being that way. I'm glad they came to terms with it. I'm glad they see the light. Yet so many of these people who slap positivity band-aids on will get pissed if you even allude to the idea that, hey, maybe the "D" in ADHD stands for Disorder for a Fucking Reason!!! Yes, I'm suffering because of this and I want it to stop. There's this stigma around it compared to other disorders to not want it. It's directly contradicting my will to live.
And yeah, I'm young. There's still plenty of time and I think I am capable of changing this, but that feels like a trap. Seriously, this feeling has built up so much. I feel mentally fatigued. I don't want to keep living this and I'm afraid that's just what it's all going to turn out to be. How do I know that it's just not going to drag out for ten more years? Twenty? I don't want to keep feeling this. If I just kill myself, then I won't have to suffer with it worsening. If my situation doesn't improve by December, I think I am going to Kill Myself!!! I want to enjoy life but there's no fucking point when I can't even enjoy those things I LIKE, let alone shit like Work.... and Society....
I'm suicidal, yet I have a strong drive, and so I'm always trying to give myself chances to turn myself around. Whenever I think of reasons why I am still here or to keep marching on, it is the want to learn and curiosity, mostly concerning philosophy, psychology, language, literature, art, and music. Yet, I have ADHD. To be clear, I do have many better reasons to kill myself, but this is directly conflicting with my reason to live, so I feel as though it's actually the one that makes sense to act on. I find that I have an incredible drive and passion that most others don't have, and I'm meticulous in my interests that I want to know everything. So, for example, I have a friend who likes philosophy, but only likes to know the general ideas of the authors, and I would actually like to read the full books of their thought. Which, if this is the impression given, this isn't to condescend or say that's better or anything, but just to highlight what I mean. I'm just thorough and don't feel fulfilled easily. All because I have ADHD, what takes others a few days can take me weeks, or worse months, or God forbid, I don't finish it because I think so hard about the action it exhausts me. So while I have a greater passion than them, I'm usually met with the same results or, honestly, most of the time, worse. This applies to school too, which if I was able to turn it work on time, I'd have wasted so much of my free-time I couldn't even if I wanted to! Overtime, I've been completely dissatisfied and have this intense feeling of unfulfillment. Time is causing me dread. And I'm just so tired.
As for trying to fix it, I did have to battle for my teen years trying to figure out what's right for me. My parents never bothered to get medication for me. Money was never an issue, they didn't care to move the process forward, besides the medication I was prescribed for depression in the psych ward. Now that I'm 20, it would have to come from me, and I don't have the money right now and won't be able to for a while. I don't want to wait. As for my personal approaches, I had tried going against my ADHD, which is never a good idea. It's just mental torture and fatigue. Then, I tried going with it which... that doesn't work for my ambitions. It still takes so much time, and most of the time my hyperfixations are short-term (and sometimes meaningless), when everything I want is long-term. Eventually, I realized if I can directly train my dopamine, and I nearly reached a point where I was happy. It finally felt like I was excelling and enjoying the fruits of life... and then it shattered, all with one hyperfixation I locked into. I literally reverted completely within a month. This was a year ago now, and I'm frankly paralyzed by anxiety of every aspect in the situation. By the time I have wasted trying to survive (in other aspects compared to this) and by the fact if I put in months worth of effort to get to an excellent point it can turn at the drop of a hat? I'm depressed.
And God. This is more of a tangent, but the people who spout all positivity about neuro-divergency piss me off. Obviously, I agree ableism is a problema and you shouldn't be ashamed of yourself for being that way. I'm glad they came to terms with it. I'm glad they see the light. Yet so many of these people who slap positivity band-aids on will get pissed if you even allude to the idea that, hey, maybe the "D" in ADHD stands for Disorder for a Fucking Reason!!! Yes, I'm suffering because of this and I want it to stop. There's this stigma around it compared to other disorders to not want it. It's directly contradicting my will to live.
And yeah, I'm young. There's still plenty of time and I think I am capable of changing this, but that feels like a trap. Seriously, this feeling has built up so much. I feel mentally fatigued. I don't want to keep living this and I'm afraid that's just what it's all going to turn out to be. How do I know that it's just not going to drag out for ten more years? Twenty? I don't want to keep feeling this. If I just kill myself, then I won't have to suffer with it worsening. If my situation doesn't improve by December, I think I am going to Kill Myself!!! I want to enjoy life but there's no fucking point when I can't even enjoy those things I LIKE, let alone shit like Work.... and Society....
