Venting The thought of my family finding my body makes me feel sad

[busrider]

I lie in my bed now and think that I don't want my family find my body. My original plan was to CTB day before they came from vacation. That way I would have enough time before they arrive and they wouldn't worry about me not answering for a long time, it's just a day. But now I imagine how they will come home, my mother will say "we are home", ask for help with packages, and when I don't answer, she'll come to my room and see me. At first she won't realize. but still one of the symptoms of SN poisoning is cyanosis, and I'll have a blue face. I think she's going to cry, and I'm getting incredibly sad.
I would like to be home in my last moments, in my bed. but now I'm thinking about saying I'm going to sleepover to my friend and getting a hotel room for all of this instead.

 

[kyhoti]

That very thought, of my family, especially my children, finding me kept me alive for the past few years. I plan on being outside, hoping that the animals and the elements will disperse my remains. I have moved house so that I am hours from any family.

 

[BasilThePlant]

I relate to this a whole bunch. I just wish to ctb without inflicting any more pain on anybody. I have already hurt them enough, so I would rather they shun me, so nobody has to lose me. This is why I hope to someday fall out of contact with them, hide a letter somewhere in the house where they wont find it until years later, and ctb. They would have the disclosure they would need that I loved them, and that I am happier where I ended up. Sending love your way, my friend <3