Venting The thought is so tempting

[idksympxthy]

Things haven't been the worst lately; I've been working 40 hour weeks, doing decently on my online classes, but I feel so empty still. All I can do is think about how I make others feel and how I can help others I care about. I love the feeling of loving those close to me (sister, mother, friends) but the older I get, the more I feel unprepared to be an adult and the more I'm scared to let down the same people I've cared abt and shown up for. I've barely spoken to my friends since I got back from school in mid April and I don't feel like talking to anyone in general besides my boyfriend. Even then, he's depressed too and the only thing I can do to help his situation is give him money if he needs it. My mom and I have been cool but she's always on my ass about school, reminding me how this is my last chance to redo these classes so I can graduate on time. I hate studying tho, I hate that I feel like my worth is tied to how much money I have or how well I've done in school because I'm lacking in those areas. I don't want people Ik to turn on me because I can't live up to their expectation of me. It's all I have to live for. I'm nothing without somebody. How can I live with this pain and resentment for myself growing inside of me? I pretend I'm emotionally fine for my loved ones but I'm still so unsure if I want to continue living past my mid 20s.
I wish I could just die without disappointing so many people. I really am trying. I'm just so fucking scared of letting so many people down

 

[timf]

Modern life has children raised in a sort of school to career conveyor belt that seems adequate for those who see money or prestige as sufficient reward. However, for others it can be immensely unsatisfying. Often in this process deeper human needs are unaddressed. For example creative expression such as art, music, writing are often not explored. How to experiment with various activities and hobbies that might add depth to life are often neglected. These are all ways you can control your life instead of seeing life as something that just happens to you.