Venting The sick bliss of sleep deprivation and starvation

[cylus46]

*TW* for anyone who may have or had issues with anything in the title.

Lately I been purposely maladaptive daydreaming my way out of sleep and occasionally I like to go a day or two maybe three without eating anything more then a bag of chips and a soda. I don't know why I just love the lethargic feeling and the pain in my head from not sleeping or in my stomach from not eating. It stops nearly all my bad thoughts and makes me mellow and calm. I know it's bad for me, im someone who has a good amount of muscle and likes going to the gym it's one of the few things that make me happy. But I'm dropping in weight as my body eats itself to survive and lifting lighter weights and taking a unhealthy amount of energy drinks because I'm exhausted during my workout.

Yet I love it. Hell even now as I'm typing this it's probably got some Grammer and spelling errors because of how exhausted my body really is (trying my best!) I don't mind it though, if it ends up killing me for some reason that's fine, if it just keeps making me not think and feel physical pain over my emotional one thats great too. A dark and twisted win win :)

 

[avalokitesvara]

I never understood starvation until my last bout of severe depression. Then I really got into it. Partly it was the feeling of denying life force to my body. Like, I want to do things which even if they're not fatal, are against the logic of living and thriving. Also the feeling is awesome, like you describe. Being weak and numb and in a calm dissasociative kind of pain. As soon as I ate something it's like my suffering came back into focus, I felt my feelings, and it was horrible.