Help The same pattern in relationships.

[WinterLovesMe]

I am great at making friends. I am so utterly terrible at keeping them.
I cannot hold a close personal friendship with someone for more than a few months at a time. They always eventually become distant, unavailable, or otherwise incapable or uninterested in conversing with me.

Every time it happens I see the signs, and I do anything and everything I can to stop it. But nothing I do can prevent it, and before I know it, I'm alone again. This has happened over five times over the past decade with anyone i get very close with and it makes it so hard to keep going.

How do I stop this from happening?

 

[Linda]

You could start by asking the friends you lost what went wrong. If they all say much the same thing, you have pinpointed your problem. If they all say very different things, your failures may be nothing more than bad luck

 

[enduringwinter]

"People step back when the pool of your blood edges up too close" is what Chuck Palahniuk wrote (I don't remember the exact quote), in reality I think people get sick of situations that never change or get better though it is not our fault. We put in more effort since we need the company more as vulnerable people, it really hurts that they would never inconvenience themselves even a little bit.

"Friendship" is a bit of a lost cause imo. In times of crisis, people tend to get help only from strangers — good samaritans — and from within their families. Friends are for good times only.

 

[WinterLovesMe]

You could start by asking the friends you lost what went wrong. If they all say much the same thing, you have pinpointed your problem. If they all say very different things, your failures may be nothing more than bad luck

It's all variations of 'Its not your fault, its because of xyz in my life'. I wish I could believe it, but its hard to when it keeps happening again and again with completely different people in completly different scenarios.

 

[ChronicPainExistent]

It's all variations of 'Its not your fault, its because of xyz in my life'. I wish I could believe it, but its hard to when it keeps happening again and again with completely different people in completly different scenarios.

Looking through an optimistic lens: as Linda said, it's possible it may in large part be due to bad luck. I imagine everyone from time to time finds themselves in situations that leave them occupied and distant from many of the people in their lives. Perhaps that has just happened a few too many times in a row?

"People step back when the pool of your blood edges up too close" is what Chuck Palahniuk wrote (I don't remember the exact quote), in reality I think people get sick of situations that never change or get better though it is not our fault. We put in more effort since we need the company more as vulnerable people, it really hurts that they would never inconvenience themselves even a little bit.

The full quote from Palahniuk is this: "No matter how much you think you love somebody, you'll step back when the pool of their blood edges up too close."

Personally, I disagree with the quote. I have to imagine that for many if not most people, if they were to see someone they love hurt and in a pool of blood, they would rush to them. But maybe I'm misinterpreting the quote (I'm not that familiar with Palahniuk.)

"Friendship" is a bit of a lost cause imo. Look at Palestinian people, they are getting help only from strangers — good samaritans, the lifeblood of humanity — and from within their families. It has been the same for me. Friends are for good times only.

Friendships can be tenuous, but I don't believe friendships as a whole are ever a lost cause. I believe there are always genuine and worthwhile connections that can be made, no matter how difficult or vulnerable our circumstances may be. And even if they are short-lived, friendships can still be of value and meaning.

You say they receive help from strangers, yet imply that strangers who are good samaritans can never build friendships with the people whom they help. Isn't that untrue?

I am great at making friends. I am so utterly terrible at keeping them.
I cannot hold a close personal friendship with someone for more than a few months at a time. They always eventually become distant, unavailable, or otherwise incapable or uninterested in conversing with me.

Every time it happens I see the signs, and I do anything and everything I can to stop it. But nothing I do can prevent it, and before I know it, I'm alone again. This has happened over five times over the past decade with anyone i get very close with and it makes it so hard to keep going.

How do I stop this from happening?

It's possible that in trying to hold onto friendships, one may end up achieving the opposite. The negative feelings which persuade us to cling harder are likely to affect us in other ways as well — perhaps, in ways that are not conducive to maintaining bonds with others.

I could probably learn a thing or two from you, by the way. I'm not great at making friends, but I seem to hold on to them okay.

 

[enduringwinter]

You say they receive help from strangers, yet imply that strangers who are good samaritans can never build friendships with the people whom they help. Isn't that untrue?

What they tell me is: No, they don't want to develop any attachment to the people they help. Because these people are so entrenched in misfortunes that tragedy could strike at any moment and all the grief would be too much to bear for the good samaritans.

That said, I don't doubt that friendship and connection would be great in a relatively stable life.

 

[WinterLovesMe]

It's possible that in trying to hold onto friendships, one may end up achieving the opposite. The negative feelings which persuade us to cling harder are likely to affect us in other ways as well — perhaps, in ways that are not conducive to maintaining bonds with others.

I could probably learn a thing or two from you, by the way. I'm not great at making friends, but I seem to hold on to them okay.

That's an interesting way to put it. I've tried to notice myself, my behaviours, and my actions more and more when it occurs. I find that I tend to become clingy and needy, so I've attempted to become the opposite. I try to distance myself and be a bit aloof. But that hasn't worked very well either... I just cant fathom what it is. Maybe it is just an 18-carat run of bad luck.

 

[sugarb]

I am great at making friends. I am so utterly terrible at keeping them.
I cannot hold a close personal friendship with someone for more than a few months at a time. They always eventually become distant, unavailable, or otherwise incapable or uninterested in conversing with me.

Every time it happens I see the signs, and I do anything and everything I can to stop it. But nothing I do can prevent it, and before I know it, I'm alone again. This has happened over five times over the past decade with anyone i get very close with and it makes it so hard to keep going.

How do I stop this from happening?

I don't know that you can stop it from happening.

Online and IRL, I can on occasion be funny/interesting enough to draw people in. But it usually doesn't last too long and (like with you) most fade away after a while. It's just like that sometimes.

My truest friends are a 30-something loner (the cheery kind) I met on a forum a little under a year ago and a childhood friend of roughly a decade.

My worst experience in a friendship was with someone who had dozens of friends and was constantly showered in attention. They abruptly lost interest and threw me away like garbage one day without a second thought because they had a million backup plans.

So: since you can't forge a childhood friendship at this point, maybe just go for extra lonely people. You'll mean more to them, at least.

 

[Jack_Nimble]

While it does vary by individual I feel truthfully it's more of a community problem than an individual problems. Community has been decreasing. Loneliness is increasing. Most adults say they don't have a best friend or close friends.

That's how I feel about it while I experience similar as winter loves me described in the OP.

I feel that it's worth a shot to instead of seeking individuals. Seek some sort of community to join. Finding a good community that suits you is another challenge. I haven't found one yet.

 

[ChronicPainExistent]

What they tell me is: No, they don't want to develop any attachment to the people they help. Because these people are so entrenched in misfortunes that tragedy could strike at any moment and all the grief would be too much to bear for the good samaritans.

That said, I don't doubt that friendship and connection would be great in a relatively stable life.

It seems you may have taken a broad statement to mean more than it does. Yes, people may be less likely to form friendships with people entrenched in misfortune, but it is untrue that such friendships never happen!

I believe friendships can be quite worthwhile and possible even in unstable circumstances.

That's an interesting way to put it. I've tried to notice myself, my behaviours, and my actions more and more when it occurs. I find that I tend to become clingy and needy, so I've attempted to become the opposite. I try to distance myself and be a bit aloof. But that hasn't worked very well either... I just cant fathom what it is. Maybe it is just an 18-carat run of bad luck.

From the sound of it, perhaps it may partially be a matter of finding a good balance: not too clingy, not too distant. You'll get better at it — but really, don't worry about it. There's always opportunities for you to make friends, and I really don't believe there's any issue with you, per se. Sometimes it just takes a bit of luck.

 

[bitofftoomuch]

You sound like you've developed an anxious-avoidant attachment style. I had a similar arc to you where I started out clingy (i.e. anxious) then developed that aloof persona (i.e. avoidant).

There's a lot of literature on Attachment Theory, but one thing I want to preemptively say is don't fall into worrying you have the "wrong" style. Anxious-avoidants and all attachment styles can and do find love and support. It's important to recognize our impulses, though. My friendships go better and are more fulfilling when I'm more conscious of my AA tendencies. I don't see a need to remove them as impulses, but since I know they're impulses I can manage them better instead of letting them completely control me.