the reason why you want to kill yourself and when did you realise that suicide is the best for you?

[EyeBeyond]

the reason why you want to kill yourself and when did you realise that suicide is the best for you?

 

[hikikomorizombie]

kms is just the only logical option, & that's been proven to me over the last 6 yrs. i've tried everything im supposed to to 'be better'/'recover', to no avail.

w no past/present/future, hopes, dreams, goals, or plans, & no1 to experience life w even if it's just suffering, why would i bother w all this bs???

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

I have given up. Every decision I made was the wrong one. Every dream I had got crushed. I cornered myself with more impulsive bad decisions and now there is no way out.
The only excuse I have is that I have BPD and autism. I am not destined for a normal happy life :(

 

[stuckinthemud]

Long Covid, iatrogenic injury, and trauma from narcissistic abuse.
Decided ctb is a better option than living in physical, neurological, and mental pain every minute of the day.

 

[FuneralCry]

Because existence is undesirable, I see it as such a horrific and terrible tragedy how life even exists at all. I will always prefer the peace of an eternal and dreamless sleep to decaying and deterorating from age in an existence I never even wished for in the first place. To me existence itself is the true problem, and I see human existence as very futile, unnecessary and burdensome. And I see suicide as very rational no matter what, I always see it as better to not exist as nobody can suffer from eternal nothingness yet in existence there is unlimited potential for harm, pain and torment.

It's terrifying how there is no limit as to how much one can suffer as long as they are enslaved in this meaningless existence there was never a need for. In fact ceasing to exist removes the true cause of all problems in the first place which is existence itself so of course I will always prefer to die, I see suicide as suffering prevention, only non-existence is desirable to me.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

The first time I had thoughts about wanting to die was when I was around 8. I realized that suicide was the best option for me because years ago I came to realize how much of a burden my existence was to others. I remember even crying myself to sleep over it back when I was a kid. A large part of why I want to kill myself is because I am burden to those around me and I'm tired of living. It's bad enough having to exist but having to know that my existence has been nothing more than deterimental to the lives of those around makes it unimaginably worse.

 

[AllAlone]

Early on I realized I was never going to be happy. But I thought I could live my life to help people and make the world a slightly better place. Eventually I realized I couldn't even do that due to my anxiety so if I was unhappy and my life has no meaning then suicide is the best option.

 

[Hotsackage]

I mean I don't crave death. But I am at peace with going into oblivion with universe

 

[funnyjoy]

So I was wanting to die for years now, and every time I had someone or something to stop me. This time it was a girl who I loved so so so much, and we had a short relationship, like 2-3 months. But things didn't work out and she left me, and then I further fucked things up because I'm fucking stupid and a disappointment and now she won't speak to me. Not to mention that I'm a disappointment to my parents AND I'm failing college. I just can't live anymore, I'm sick of getting things and fucking it all up. I'm so sick of the cycle of getting and losing. It sucks the most knowing it's all my fault and if I wasn't so damn stupid things wouldn't have ended up this way, but I really just need to die

Hopefully this weekend since I have a long one. I need to be gone by Sunday night

 

[roku6]

I have md, lost interest in all the things which were important to me. I haven't experienced joy for a long time. Meds caused persistent and worsening severe tinnitus which is pure torture.
I realized some months ago despite all my efforts I am unable to find a new drive and cannot get habituated to this condition. There were few periods in my life which were truly enjoyable no matter how hard I studied and worked, but I had hopes and motivation which kept me going.
Now I feel completely trapped nowhere to go.

 

[リンさん]

I don't "want" to kill myself per se. I feel a sense of curiosity when it comes to death, and existing in the body that I have now starts to be draining. Too much effort is required to maintain a stable state of health and happiness. Also, I don't like this world. So much unfair suffering and cruelty, injustices happening everywhere, all the time.

Only in death can physical and mental limitations this existence imposes be removed, for the better or worse. I simply don't want to wait around for it.

 

[onbekend]

Around January of 2022 is when I had become aware that it was too late to try any other options, I'd wasted too much time doing things that wouldn't fix my situation and now I think It's too late. I am in an unrecoverable situation even if I had tried to make things better.

That's around the time that I had concluded that maybe life wasn't even worth living for me, and the more I look at my life I realize that this is really my destined way to die. It HAS to happen this way and I can't imagine me dying in any other way that isn't suicide.
I've got no more goals to accomplish, no more things to be excited about, nothing is enjoyable anymore, and now I just wanna end things on my own terms.
There are no alternatives, all my other options are unobtainable now.

 

[ikadasui]

Just no life accomplishments. I'm nearly 30 years old and still totally inept and hardly literate. There is no hope for me, and I feel embarrassed having to life out a life of this quality. I would of liked a normal life but it didn't happen and this is my reality

 

[mark404]

I want to kill myself because the life I have lived has always felt hard, and I feel tired of living now. The future will probably be difficult and grim as well, and I don't feel like suffering through that.

That being said, I guess I'm still struggling to commit to doing CTB.

 

[donefor]

ive had no dad since age 7 cuz he was abusive and an absent father, my brother died 6 years ago, my mom died in september and my only living relatives left are my younger 21 year old sister, who kicked me out of the house and has gone no contact with me, and my grandma, who has alzhiemers and dementia and is way closer to my sister than me so im sure she will be fine and might forget about me soon anyway. dont see the point in college or work when im so fucking miserable and dont have a family anymore. i barely have any friends, never leave the house and no treatments have worked and every day i just have less and less motivation to be around. with my moms passing and sister cutting me off ive just gotten so much worse. they were my reason for staying alive and now i have neither of them. just trying to figure out the cheapest and fastest and easiest way to go and they wouldnt even know i died

 

[Archness]

Autism, really.

If I'm not finding a way to keep myself distracted, or spinning up delusions and daydreams, this nihilistic reality is too heavy for my soul.

I lack "common sense" or anything normies "Just Know" and it makes me nearly useless in modern society. No interests, can't really "get" normal life things that well either.

It's really alot, that I could go into detail, but that'd be unnecessary.

There just isn't that much in life for me and I'd like it to end sooner rather then l8r. 4 Now, at least, I'm just watching how things happen until it's too unbearable.

 

[Andarosh]

After 5 years of being alone after moving to a new city and starting highschool, I've met a girl classmate and we became friends, I was so happy and glad to finaly have someone so close to me, but 1,5 years ago I betrayed her due to being drunk (both of us). Ever since then she blocked me and doesn't want to talk to me. Thus left me scarred heavily with depression... 1 year ago I attempted to ctb, but failed and was put into psych ward. Still I only wish to begone so I wouldn't be able to be a burden to others.

 

[brokeandbroken]

Victim of a crime(s) in March of 2022 while in Medical school. I was illegally forced out. It absolutely destroyed my life. I worked hard so on someone's worst day I could be there to help. I haven't received help to ameliorate it despite all but begging for it. I am so far beyond broke it's hard to comprehend. I have something like 160k US in debt. I can't get a decent job despite trying over, and over, and over again. No one has been there to help me out of the hellhole I am in. I am homeless. with no options and just left with pain and suffering... In summary I was the victim of crimes no one cares to help me. Started pretty quick after things occurred and has gradually intensified. In all honesty this has gone from I need help because of the crimes... It's more I need help because of the crimes or I will kill myself. I need someone to save me and I don't think that person exists. And if they do I am not someone they'd help. In two years I went from a future doctor-oncology would've been my first choice. I was president of the oncology research group the last year I was there. To just a piece of shit basically.

I need help so I don't CTB because this life and trajectory is not compatible with life for me. Frankly I think it's a myth if you ask for help you'll get it. No one has come close to trying to help me out of this situation...

 

[vampyre]

Early on I realized I was never going to be happy. But I thought I could live my life to help people and make the world a slightly better place. Eventually I realized I couldn't even do that due to my anxiety so if I was unhappy and my life has no meaning then suicide is the best option.

I had really similar thoughts when I was young. I've never cared about myself much and I feel like I've been unhappy for so long but I love others and I'd always tell myself that I would just live to help others and that would be my purpose. but now I feel like I don't have anything left that is worth suffering for

 

[brood]

Old age, body and mind are not what they were. Having watched friends and relatives rot away slowly I will take matters into my own hands, and soon.

 

[Manfrotto99]

Facing inevitable homelessness. Too old and ugly for anyone to help or things to change favourably. Chronic depression aggravated by constant losses through life, failures, disappointments and poverty. Just waiting for my elderly dog to go and I will then follow her.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Failure in life, declining life quality, age - recovery almost impossible. That's why I want to kms bc it's the only logic consequence and if I did it already several years ago this would've prevented me from so much more suffering. Yet, I'm still here. It's not so easy even though it's the only logic decision.

 

[cjruhand]

just trying to figure out the cheapest and fastest and easiest way to go and they wouldnt even know i died

Me too. The more I've looked, though, the more I realized it's probably Unobtanium.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

The person I love is dead. I am weak and don't have much resolve to continue without his guidance. I don't care about anyone or anything else enough to continue. What stops me is our 6 month agreement. We agreed that I would try my best to live for 6 months minimum and not give into ctb thoughts before that.

 

[TiredOfAllThis]

I've grown tired. The last several years were a galore of hits. And on top of that, my body started failing

 

[Davey40210]

The person I love is dead. I am weak and don't have much resolve to continue without his guidance. I don't care about anyone or anything else enough to continue. What stops me is our 6 month agreement. We agreed that I would try my best to live for 6 months minimum and not give into ctb thoughts before that.

I can see why you loved them ❤

 

[Davey40210]

Autism, really.

If I'm not finding a way to keep myself distracted, or spinning up delusions and daydreams, this nihilistic reality is too heavy for my soul.

I lack "common sense" or anything normies "Just Know" and it makes me nearly useless in modern society. No interests, can't really "get" normal life things that well either.

It's really alot, that I could go into detail, but that'd be unnecessary.

There just isn't that much in life for me and I'd like it to end sooner rather then l8r. 4 Now, at least, I'm just watching how things happen until it's too unbearable.

That really hit home with me. Especially the first and second paragraph. It's like everyone has a manual that we didn't receive.